We all know it’s not easy being a working mom. All too often, mothers who work outside the home feel conflicted and apologetic about their choice, even when it’s dictated by financial necessity. All too rarely do they receive the kind of validation and support they deserve. Between the stress, the guilt and the sheer physical demands of juggling family and job, most of us have days when we wonder why our lives have to be so complicated.
Well, it’s time to take heart! As
The Feminine Mistake makes clear, working mothers are, in most cases, doing the best possible thing for their children by contributing to the family income and maintaining their own financial viability. This series will highlight some of the surprising research I uncovered when writing the book.
Prepare to pat yourself on the back -- you have lots of excellent reasons to feel good about the choice you’ve made!
REASON NUMBER ONE: Working Women Are Happier
The media constantly harp on the stress of the juggling act and the relief women supposedly feel when they opt out of the work force. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the grass is greener on the soccer mom’s side of the fence, where stay-at-home mothers are free to devote all their time to children and home. Would working women be happier if they gave up the hassles of balancing job and family in favor of baking cookies and planting daffodils?
In fact, they probably wouldn’t -- not even in the short run, and almost certainly not over the long haul. As demonstrated in
The Feminine Mistake, the truth about life as a full-time homemaker is very different from all that retrograde hype about the joys of opting out.
Contrary to popular mythology, decades of social science research have consistently shown that working mothers are happier and less anxious than stay-at-home moms; those cliches about desperate housewives fighting depression and substance abuse turn out to contain a good deal of truth. Moreover, when full-time homemakers return to paid work outside the home, their mental and emotional health improves significantly.
For example, one study found that women who had a child and stayed in the work force showed no increase in psychological distress -- but women who had a child and dropped out of the work force experienced a major increase in stress.
The boredom and lack of satisfaction experienced by many stay-at-home mothers are troubling enough when their children are young, but the problem becomes acute as the kids get older. Wrapped up in their own lives, teenagers assert their independence; husbands are busy with their careers. At this stage in life, stay-at-home moms may find the empty nest traumatic indeed, whereas working mothers with rewarding careers have ample opportunities for positive reinforcement outside the home.
29 comments so far...
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Dani_me on 23rd May 2012
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Flag as inappropriate Posted by llzzmm9 on 3rd September 2011
Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 15th June 2008
I'm concerned that you find a discussion with intelligent women depressing. I understand the need to pat each other on the back, but your approach seems to do that only at the expense of a perceived group of "others." Mothers who "work for pay" don't shuttle their children to activities, bake cookies or plant daffodils? Clichés and stereotypes only serve to polarize, not bring together.
You said in your book that at-home mothers:
1) are "infantilized by dependency"
2) make "childish decisions"
3) are "willfully obtuse Pollyannas who insist that mommy-track employees are as valuable as full-time careerists"
4) that Simone de Beauvoir was right -- these women are parasites, and
5) "all too many mothers are demonstrating for their children is that 'woman is the n***** of the world'"
Can you really say those things and expect readers to not take offense?
The fatal flaw in your approach is that it assumes only two distinct categories of mothers exist -- 1) those who work for pay full time and 2) everyone else. In fact, there are probably as many and as varied work arrangements as there are mothers.
True, some mothers work in offices for 40, 50 or 60 hours a week, while some mothers spend all of their time unpaid and at home. And, yes, some of the wealthy mothers you mentioned in your book employ nannies and housekeepers, and they, as you said, "may not be working for pay, but their tennis lessons, hair and manicure appointments, shopping dates, volunteer commitments, and social engagements frequently keep them out of the house for longer hours than many of the working mothers I know."
However, those two groups make up a fraction of the whole.
Many mothers work in schools, hospitals, daycares and studios. Some work the night shift or take on-call hours so they can be home during the day. Some work part time or on assignment for weeks or months at a time and are "out of work" until the next project is lined up. Some are in the military. Some take care of other people's children along with their own. Some "shift gears" in their work schedules to spend extra time and attention on special-needs children and ill or elderly family members. (Fathers do all of these things too.)
Some mothers were fired when they became pregnant. Some weren't hired again because they were pregnant. Some mothers returned to work after a few weeks of maternity leave only to be squeezed out of their jobs. Some mothers get turned down for jobs because they are mothers -- employers don't want what they believe is the added expense of health insurance, and they believe mothers are unreliable.
Truth is, we don't live in Scandinavia or even, oh, Vietnam (where guaranteed, paid maternity leaves range from four to six months). Employees have very few rights in the United States. They aren't even guaranteed vacation time. If they get it, they're lucky. The United States has no law requiring employers to offer any paid leave.
Your basic message that mothers should protect themselves financially is a good one. But you can't shoot poison darts at them -- calling them childish, obtuse and worse -- and expect them to see past that to your message that you truly want to help them. (And I believe you do.) Whatever position they're in -- whether by choice or circumstance -- it's a good bet they're not there on a whim. Mothers struggle every day to do right by themselves and their children.
Instead of focusing on "mistakes" mothers make, why not focus on changing the structure of the workplace and our nation's policies?
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Becky on 17th March 2008
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Leslie Bennetts on 17th March 2008
While Ms. Bennetts thinks this discussion is "depressing," it is depressing to me that we mush continue to have this debate.
The "FACTS" get interpreted differently by different people. Just as we don't want a one-size-fits-all life for our children, we don't want it for ourselves, either.
I've worked the 80-zillion hour work week and did it for over two decades. I've proven my education was worthwhile and that I am capable of a variety of professional jobs. If I want to work at home now and do it part-time, I don't want someone else lecturing me about the "facts."
Flag as inappropriate Posted by PunditMom on 17th March 2008
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Leslie Bennetts on 17th March 2008
Some families cannot afford the high cost of daycare and it becomes one partner's job to stay home. In this case, making the decision about who will stay home is part of the responsibility of having children in the first place. It's not the right decision for some women, but neither is staying in any job that you don't find satisfying or enjoyable.
Working women in jobs they like are happier than women who reluctantly remain at home to raise children. Working women in jobs they don't like are less happy than women who freely choose to stay home with their children and find this fulfilling.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by designmom on 15th March 2008
Flag as inappropriate Posted by SoftwareMom on 14th March 2008
As for this article I say YAAY!
I could TOTALLY relate to your points. For me, personally, I can not IMAGINE being satisfied as a stay-home mother and every reason you listed is exactly why. I've been home with children at various points of my life - either I worked out of the home, I was home on a leave or I was unemployed. Let me tell you, full-time mommyhood is NOT for ME.
I love my career and guess what: I LOVE MY CHILDREN TOO! Oh yes, it is possible to be interested in and passionate about both.
I feel incredibly balanced (spiritually, mentally and in terms of time management). I do not feel like working full-time outside of the home makes me harried or stressed. Quite the opposite actually.
And to add to that, I am a single mother. I am not married, remarried or co-habitating.
Is my life perfect for everyone? Hells no. But it works for me and THAT is what matters most.
Great article. I'm looking forward to more.
Thanks, Leslie for contributing to WIM!!!
Flag as inappropriate Posted by KathyHowe on 14th March 2008
I agree with those who've said that your happiness comes from HAVING the choice, and being able to act on it. Not everyone does.
Some moms do have to work to support their families, no matter what. And while we think less about this side, some moms are still prohibited from working due to repressive domestic/social situations.
I've always been a working mom, and I think it as better both for me and my son in many ways. It might not be better for someone else and her children. That's all subjective. I don't think there's one right or wrong way to do this, and the conflict comes up when we assume that there is.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Florinda Pendley Vasquez on 14th March 2008
I'm with some of the other moms who have commented. I couldn't stay home. I don't have the patience. Yes, the gods made us to make babies, but part of that idea is that we evolved to have babies and care for them. Well, I think I'd be that mama panda who ignores her cub if I had to stay home every day. UNLESS I was in her school volunteering (aka doing the work that the govt should be paying someone to do!) to bring in reading programs, raising money for science labs (can you believe we have to do that? dear lord!), or something like that.
My opinion...do what makes you happy. If staying at home does, don't feel guilty. If working does, don't feel guilty. Most women move in and out of the workforce, so most of us will log some time on both sides of the fence.
For those of you who are WAHMs...I salute you! I can barely write my monthly articles with the child around. haha! There's a reason women carry babies...we have too much to do to sit around.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Veronica on 14th March 2008