I was catching up on Chapter Four of Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle's webcast class series, A New Earth,
last night when suddenly it hit me -- I had my "Ah-ha!" moment. I was plodding along from the beginning, having little moments of awakening, but never suspecting this. Then WHAM!
as I sat in my office bathroom crying my eyes out, I wondered was this moment supposed to feel wonderfully painful? I mean after all -- I finally got it.
Eckhart Tolle quoted a Zen master who said, "His need to win drains him of power." It took a moment for the meaning to hit me, but when it did it felt like a brick wall began to crumble within me -- an emotional wall began to slowly come down. One I didn't even know was there.
This one saying defined the motivation behind entire life moments, from failed career choices to the lost personal relationships. Boy, was I happy for the pause button.
In a flash, I realized winners reach their goal by wisely and joyfully pacing themselves by living in "the moment" of planning and preparing -- not by rushing through life's moments just to get to the finish line before everyone else. It made me realize that I bought into society's lie of competitiveness that forces us to believe it's better to be better than everyone else just for the sake of winning the 1st place prize. I never realized that mentality sets us up to drain our power and causes us to fail miserably and feel empty inside -even when we do "win." Everyone can't be first.
We drain ourselves of the very life force energy that is supposed to sustain us through our goal attainment. When we rush through life's precious moments just to be Number One or to get to the next moment... it's no wonder we fail and are unsatisfied, unfulfilled and waiting for the next moment just so we can repeat this self-defeating, energy draining cycle all over again. Even those of us who have successful careers, wonderful homes, kids, cars, etc., who still feel empty and drained inside -- this is why. But for most of us who are still searching to fill-up the empty holes that aren't filled up by material things - we are being driven by the empty desire to "win" which in turn drains us of this life force power and causes us to inevitably fail.
For the past nine years or so, I've been looking (like most people) for purpose in my life. Something that would redefine me. Something outside of being a "mom" or a "wife," or a "doctor" who missed her chance. I wanted some divine answer that would take away the pain of not becoming a doctor, not becoming a singer or dancer or the best mom every like I planned -- something that would heal the emptiness inside of me that most often times feels like failure. That void that being a "mommy" is supposed to fill - but doesn't. That void that being a "good wife" is supposed to fill -- but doesn't. That void that being "somebody" who has "everything" is supposed to fill - but doesn't. You know that void too? You've felt it too?