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They're all our "real" children

Talking to friends with adopted children

by Mary O.  |  1460 views  |  0 comments  |        Rate this now! 

Like most folks, John and I didn’t set out to become adoptive parents. We fell in love, got married, and started having babies. Four of them: two boys and two girls. Then we were done. Or so we thought.

Until our baby turned 3 and I found myself awash in angst over being done with babies. It was 1997 and news stories were all over about the many baby girls in China who needed families. We started talking. Eventually my idea of a baby girl from China became, in 1998, a little boy from Korea. And another little boy from Korea in 2000. By then we were so in love with adoption that between 2004 and 2007 we also adopted four daughters from Ethiopia, two as babies, and two as older girls. Yes, we have 10 kids. Yes, it is crazy. But it is also an incredible awe-inspiring blessing.

One of the things adoptive moms wish people understood is that our adopted kids are just our kids. Period. It’s a slap in the face to constantly have people qualify our relationship to each other, to hedge the description with the word "adopted" in every context.

When reporters talk about Angelina Jolie’s children they seem incapable of saying the name Zahara without also saying she was adopted. The same thing happened at the funerals of Bob Hope and Jane Wyman, when mentioning children who themselves were senior citizens and whose adoptions had probably been finalized 50 or more years earlier.

Along those same lines, I feel awkward when people ask me how many of the kids are "mine." I know darned well that people are asking whether I genetically contributed to their creation. But shouldn’t family just be acknowledged as family, whether blood is involved or not? After all, a family begins from the union of two unrelated people. My husband is "mine." Period. So are my children, adopted and not.

Don’t get me wrong -- the contribution my children’s biological parents made is priceless, essential, and should not be swept under the carpet as if it does not exist. And especially when adopting older children, it takes time for hearts to grow together, for the relationship to be full and strong.

However, my heart does not differentiate between my children born to me and the ones who came after the completion of mountains of paperwork. My interest is just as passionate. My pride is just as fierce. My hopes are just as big. My prayers are just as fervent. My love is just as deep. They’re my kids. Period.

About the Author

Mary is a mom of 10; she blogs at Owlhaven. Her book, "A Sane Woman’s Guide to Mothering a Large Family," will be available for pre-order on Amazon.com in early 2009.

Read more by Mary O.




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