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Yesterday at the gym I overheard the following conversation between two men, probably in their mid to late 30s:
Very muscular guy #1: “So did you hear, Jack’s wife decided to turn down that job offer?”
Less muscular guy #2: “The one her old company gave her?”
Guy #1: “Yes, the promotion she got while being on maternity leave. It sounded like a sweet gig, but Jack told me that she likes being a stay-at-home mom and turned it down.”
Guy #2: ” So she is just going to stay home now with the kid?”
Guy #1: “I guess so, she said she likes it that way. I think Jack was disappointed.”
Guy #2: “Well, I see that. It’s kind of unfair - all the pressure is on him now. I mean, I think they are OK financially as long as he keeps his job, but he was talking before about looking around. Not sure he can do that now, right?”
Guy #1: “Yeah, I am not sure he is going to risk it without a second income as a security cushion. Tough for him.”
I have to admit that this was the first time that I’d been able to eavesdrop on a conversation two men were having about moms–usually it’s the women talking about each other’s or friends’ choices to work or stay home. I tried to not appear like I was listening, but I was struck by it. With all the issues and questions and personal quandaries that surround making the choice to stay at home or return to work after having kids, I have to admit that I’ve never seen the issue of whether this is fair to your husband or not come up.
I’ve always been the primary breadwinner so I don’t have first-hand experience with this to draw from. We can’t afford for me to not work, but I know that if my husband told me that he wants to be a stay-at-home dad I might feel that it puts too much pressure on me and is not fair to me. Is this wrong of me to feel this way?
Our very own Work It, Dad! recently wrote a post in response to an article by a stay-at-home dad who was proclaiming the virtues of staying home with your kids and not-so-subtly putting down those families who turn their kids over to nannies. From Work It, Dad!:
He may have a healthy financial cushion, but relying on your wife to bring home the public-school bacon while you sit atop your perch of fatherhood means only that you are failing to provide for your family in possibly the most significant way.
But what about a mom who decides to stay at home? Are the guys at the gym full of it when they say that a friend’s wife’s decision to do it is unfair to him because it’s putting pressure on him to provide for the family? If you’re a stay-at-home mom or have stayed at home before, how did you work through this decision as it relates to your husband or partner? Did you consider the pressure it might put on him financially? If you’re a working mom, was your decision to return to work influenced in any way by not wanting to put all financial pressure on your partner?
A lot of questions and none are simple. Please sound off in the comments–I’m eager to hear your reactions to this.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 4th, 2007 at 12:16 pm and is filed under Family, Work/Life Balance, Working Mom Issues.
Tags: financial pressure, returning to work, returning to work after maternity leave, stay-at-home dad, stay-at-home mom, working mom
December 4th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
wow that is really actually very eye opening! and I think in a positive way. I think on some level we keep thinking our husbands/men WANT us to stay home with babies when maybe we want to work. Plus we also tend to think it is totally *our* decision when really it is a family decision and selfish to think otherwise.
I am also the breadwinner and always have been and YES it is a lot of pressure! And when we REALLY relied totally on my salary for a while when he tried to go out on his own I was FREAKED OUT!! While I was originally frustrated that he doesn’t make more money to help out the family, I have come to an understanding and there are positives that would not be possible if he were in another job so I am ok with it for now! Not to say it won’t resurface again!
Since we tend to have a complete role reversal from the typical dual income family, I would not be at all surprised if men feel very much the same way. I had just never looked at it from that perspective or heard it! thank you for sharing!!
December 4th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
I am also the main breadwinner in our family. We’ve tried having my husband stay home with the kids a couple of times before deciding for certain that he is not happy doing so. Nor could we do without the second income. I think that there is probably at least some pressure put on the working spouse whenever a decision is made to have the other stay home, but how much and how that affects the family is going to be different in different cases. If my husband were happy staying home with the kids, I would be fully supportive if we could afford it, and I know that my husband would feel the same if we could afford for me to stay home. Whatever families decide and do, it’s a tough decision all the way around.
December 4th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
I doubt women get to hear men talk about this kind of thing very often, so you were in the right place at the right time, Nataly!
But it actually makes sense to me that men who aren’t in super-high-earning jobs would feel financial pressure as providers when they have wives at home with the kids. As both you and Kate have mentioned, two incomes are pretty much necessary for many families these days - regardless of how much of the total household income each partner brings in - so losing part of that, as well as adding the costs of a child - hey, who WOULDN’T feel pressured? I’ve also known a few guys who have been pretty proud to have wives with careers.
My current husband’s ex-wife stayed home with their kids, and even though they had both agreed with that choice, he’s told me that being the sole provider was definitely stressful for him. Of course, ideally we’d be independently wealthy and neither of us would have to “provide.”
December 5th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
I am coming back home to work in January - freelancing, so the income will be hit and miss. Because my kids aren’t my husband’s — even though we’ve been together for 10 years now — I often feel guilty when I stay home. I’ve always had a “it doesn’t seem fair” kind of look at it, so I try my hardest to make at home at least what I would make out there. (I am usually at home to work due to health reasons that keep me out of the usual work force.)
December 6th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
Sure, there’s pressure on the salary-earning spouse, but there’s also pressure on the at-home parent—to provide exceptional care, to keep the house running smoothly, to attend to everyone’s needs in a very isolating “work” place without losing his or her mind, and to figure out the “next step”, i.e., when, if, and how to return to the workplace. We all, as parents, experience pressure, just different kinds, and I think mature, thoughtful parents recognize that.
I may be unusually lucky, but my husband–who works in academia for a very modest salary, and yes, we do make do on that one salary alone, and no, we don’t live in an inexpensive area, so yes, it can be done–expresses relief and gratitude on a regular basis that he never has to worry, during his work-day, about his girls being cared for by someone who may mistreat them, doesn’t love them, or doesn’t know them and their needs well. I think that makes up for the pressure.
December 10th, 2007 at 12:54 am
each family is different.
One thing I have learned is not to assume I know what my spouse wants. I also understand that a love one will cover up their true feelings if they think it makes the other happy. This only leads to resentment.
I have not been married long but I share the load. Men today (in the civilize areas) are not the same as our fathers. According to the 2000 census 1/3 of couples with a stay at home spouse had the guy stay home. that says something.
Plus research has shown that it is not the amount of time a parent stays with their child, it is the quality.
My mom drove me nuts staying home all day when I was a little. it was great when she worked. Just having “alone time” real alone time was great. I could read without being interrupted. or just learning from different people.
Then again I always have been an independent person.
As far as nannies go…try a young nursing practitioner or physician’s assistant. Even ones looking for p/t while finishing school. that is what we did. she was a little green but she bent over backwards because she is a medical professional who was going to use us a reference for a future job when finished with school. ( we paid $12/hr) in up-state NYS
Some of the best care. and she spoke French.
I work full time from home with travel to other cities (as does m husband) and still managed to teach my kid Japanese and Italian. Which at 8 month now she can say hello in and respond to other phrases. And she took her first steps for my husband a day ago (I missed it…cause I slept in) .
It is not necessary to stay home. We live on one income and the other goes towards our kid’s college, retirement, and first house fund. Yes really. Everything else she has to pay for. (we can’t do everything for her)
In conclusion do what makes both spouses feel good.
December 10th, 2007 at 1:04 am
Hmm, I had no idea I might be sending my children to someone who mistreats them. I’d better check that out.
December 10th, 2007 at 3:04 am
Either way you look at it. The only people who have no choice(let’s not call welfare a choice…for arguments sake) are single parents. If you make a child and have bills that require two incomes that is a choice. I do not understand why people don’t want to have to go through the life experience of raising their children? Give the job to someone else whom is not qualified to make as much as you? Don’t you place a heavy weight on what your hard earned education placed on your hardworkometer? But you wouldn’t want someone who had to work just as hard raising your child? Say you make standard wages(lower middle class,) then to “afford” it you would have to be getting low class child care as to have money left over to make it worth your while. So why on earth would you make a child and send it off to someone less qualified than you? Is it because it doesn’t make you happy? Well that is something a wise person might consider BEFORE having children. I know careers are gratifying and a big part of any one’s identity. Don’t get me wrong. You can do IT ALL…but to say it is a burden for someone to say they are going to raise their OWN CHILDREN is FALSE. Either way you are getting what you pay for…and if you want to pay less and get THE BEST child care then you do it yourself. If you want to gamble on someone willing to take less than the supposed stay at home persons salary…then you get what you pay for. Plus, the man could divorce her or get an ounce of maturity at all she has taken upon herself as well.
December 10th, 2007 at 3:17 am
Saying it is a burden on the husband is like saying him going to work is a burden because he is not at home to help her with the kids. The kids are a job. Outsourcing is what we are talking about. Outsourcing b/c we NEED so much and expect more than we have the patience to do ourselves. To get money it makes perfect sense to get a job. To raise fine children you can either pay for the experiment or handle it yourself. Child care providers are not evil. That is not my opinion at all. I get health care because I do not know enough about my health…you should get child care if you do not know enough about caring for your child/ren.
March 18th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Assuming the stay-at-home spouse has marketable skills, how is it pressure? If you lose your job, your spouse could go back to work full-time, part-time or temporarily. If you get sick or run into troubles, the stay-at-home spouse can pick up work. That’s a safety net, too.