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When I became pregnant with L., there was this mysterious thing I had to contend with, something that I hadn’t encountered when I became a step mom: Maternity leave.
I was going to be away from the office for about five months. It had been 23 years since I’d had that much time off all at once. What was I going to do with myself?
I had grand plans: I’d finish painting all the bedrooms. I’d write at least one freelance story a week. I’d edit all of the recipes from my mom’s old restaurant into a great cookbook. Heck, cookbooks seemed easy — maybe I’d write two!
The reality? Thirty-six hours of labor leading to fetal distress followed by an emergency C-section and a fragile-looking 5-pound infant with enormous eyes who loved to nurse all the time. No cookbook. No painting. And, let’s face it, with a new baby in the house… no time.
The house was a mess, and I felt guilty about not being a good enough stay-at-home-mom. I longed to be at work and feel productive again.
I went back to work when L. was 5-1/2 months old. And then I felt guilty for not being at home with my baby.
I also felt relieved to be able to talk to another adult about something other than children. And then guilty, again, for feeling relieved. I was happy to back at work, and horribly upset that I had to take a lower-on-the-totem-pole position within my company in order to be able to work better hours..
I felt like I was playing tug-of-war.
That work-life balance so many people are searching for? For me, it’s not just about work and life. It’s also about guilt and expectations.
It’s about deciding which to-do list — the one for the office or the one for home — gets to be the bigger priority on any given day. About what level of “I need to do more,” is acceptable when weighed against “I need a break.”
For working mothers, the stress level is high and, for most of us, much of the pressure is also self-imposed. I know it is with me. Sure, there are plenty of people adding to my to-do list, but the guilt about not getting enough done is coming mostly from within. As are the outrageous expectations about what I should be able to do.
I was playing tug-of-war – with myself.
I haven’t solved this inner crisis — not by a long shot. But I have gotten better at cutting myself some slack. After all, if I’m the one applying the pressure, then I’m also the one who can tell myself to back off.
What pressures are you putting on yourself?
This entry was posted on Monday, December 3rd, 2007 at 12:01 am and is filed under Making Time, The Juggle, Working? Living?.
Tags: kids, The Juggle, work
December 3rd, 2007 at 8:37 pm
I’m sorry, I’m still laughing over you thinking that you’d be painting the house on maternity leave. Did you say something after that?
December 3rd, 2007 at 9:54 pm
Yeah, that’s pretty much how I react too, looking back…
*looks sheepish*
I set the bar considerably lower when I was on leave with my youngest, O, earlier this year. I think the most challenging things on the to-do after his birth were “shower occasionally,” “feed all children,” and “find remote”…
December 3rd, 2007 at 10:32 pm
I was going to join Mir in laughing about the painting the rooms bit, but then I remembered that on my maternity leave I wrote a book. It was due almost exactly 3 months after my daughter was born - I turned it in 4 days before going to work and during those days realized what I was supposed to be doing during my maternity leave - NOTHING!
I totally relate to the guilt and expectations thing - and I’ve got no wisdom to offer:(
December 4th, 2007 at 6:15 am
WOW 5 1/2 months is a long ML. I had 6 weeks. During that time, I was taking care of Baby (and all the uncertainty which comes along with new mommyhood), prospecting daycares, studying for a professional licensing exam, and working on a research project. My husband felt like I had all the time in the world and added additional responsibilities like getting the car to the mechanic, etc, and couldn’t understand why the house wasn’t cleaned when he came home. ?! I regret all these activities now because I returned to work exhausted. My next ML will be spent doing NOTHING execpt holding and loving BABY.
December 4th, 2007 at 9:46 am
I personally don’t feel plagued with this kind of guilt. Maybe it helps that I don’t have the husband ball to juggle. That said, maybe what helps me eliminate that guilt-ridden feeling is that I manage my time like this:
When I am at work. I am at work.
When I am at home. I am at home.
I do all that I can to keep myself completely focused on the tasks I need to accomplish based on where I am at the moment. That doesn’t mean there is never an overlap. I have had to deal with a sick child and work remotely. But overall, knowing that my focus is on where I am, when I am there, really is the number one thing that keeps me sane.
December 4th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Nataly, that’s OK, just the support and sympathy is welcome! And writing a book while on leave is AMAZING!
KC, I was really lucky — L was born in October, and I have a bit of seniority in my company, so I was able to scrape together all of my vacation time and sick time from 2004, when she was born, AND 2005, in order to take that much time off. Like most places, maternity leave in our company is unpaid, but I’m grateful to have had the vacation time and sick time to burn through.
Kathy, you make a good point about how one can reduce guilt by keeping the focus on where you are at the moment. I need to get better at that. I have managed to scale back the tug-of-war a bit, but it’s always there for me…
December 4th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
After my son was born I quit. And then immeditely freaked out and asked for my job back. Part time. Fortunately for me the company I worked for allowed me to work part time so it worked out great.
A couple of months ago we were watching a news story about “THE MOMMY WARS!!” and hubs asked me if I could have it any way I wanted, how would I want it. 50%-50% I replied. I could work and feel satisfied AND be a mommy and feel satisfied.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
You are so lucky that you were able to work out such a great arrangement with your company! I think the 50%-50% split is the ideal for a lot of people… maybe someday we’ll get that…
December 4th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
We moms use so many metaphors; juggling, balancing act, tug-of-war — do dads feel the same conflicts? I think many of today’s dads do.
December 4th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
Daisy, that’s such a good point. I wonder about that, too — sometimes, I think that they must, and other times, I marvel at the way my husband can work at home some days and not even think about any of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, picking up, or general stuff that distracts me so when I’m working from home. I think he and I just might be wired differently… but then I think, no one calls him a Working Dad…
December 5th, 2007 at 12:09 am
I have been on maternity leave for ten weeks, and go back to work on December 17th. While I have spent much of the time just holding my daughter, I have also had grand plans of what I would accomplish while on leave. I feel so guilty every day that the house isn’t clean by the time my husband comes home, or that dinner isn’t cooked. I feel like I am wasting time by just sitting still and relaxing, even though I know that’s what I am supposed to be doing. I am going to try really hard to scale back what I do between now and the time I return to work, especially since I finished my Christmas shopping already!
December 5th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Alana, it’s good to know that I wasn’t the only one with big expectations for myself! I felt that guilt, too, that nagging voice in the back of my head going, “well, you WERE home all day…”
You have not wasted your time at all. If you need to put a positive spin on it, think of it this way: You’ve created some wonderful memories of a time when your daughter was tiny.
Good for you for finishing your Christmas shopping… with that out of the way already, you’ll be able to enjoy the rest of your leave so much more.
December 22nd, 2007 at 4:30 pm
I play the guilt war in my head everyday. I work part time as an oncology nurse. I keep telling myself that my patients need me. In some ways more so then my two year old daughter. I love my day-care lady, and so does my daughter. She has a blast there. All this things help a little to ease the war in my head. But it’s there….Why do we do this to ourselves?
December 31st, 2007 at 12:29 am
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