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When I was on maternity leave with my now-preschooler, and again with my now-toddler, I was still writing freelance stories. The number of stories I wrote was no where near what it was when I wasn’t on leave (nor near what I thought it should be, but we’ve already discussed the unrealistic expectations I had for my first maternity leave), but still, I was churning them out as best as I could.
I remember being frustrated by the difficulty of trying to write with an infant who refused to nap and a toddler who wanted to play and no childcare in sight. I remember wishing that our older kids could help me more as I ran downstairs to referee some argument or another, a half-written article up on the screen in my home office, my train of thought long gone by the time I had calmed the chaos enough to return to the computer. I remember fuming that my husband could go to the office to work, but I had to schedule and wrangle time to complete an assignment on deadline from home.
I remember thinking that I wasn’t working because, well, I wasn’t at work. I wasn’t commuting anywhere on a daily basis. I had no meetings to attend. I didn’t even fit into my work clothes. I was drawing a paycheck because I had cobbled together my vacation time and my sick time, not because I was at the office. So, while on leave, even though I was a mom and I was working, I didn’t think of myself as a “working mom.”
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
What’s ironic is that, at the time, my friends included a stay-at-home mom who was doing a little freelance writing here and there, an architect working from home part-time while her kids at playgroup, an older mom with grown kids starting a home-based business, a Ph.D student with a new baby working on her dissertation, a mom of two who was homeschooling her kids, and a mom who was working on her novel after her kids were in bed. And I considered all of them to be “working moms” — even as I thought of myself as “not really working.”
Why is that?
I wonder if the many moms who work from home but don’t consider themselves to be working feel that way because they’re comparing what they currently do to what they used to do when they “worked” (which is what I think I was doing, in my situation). Or does it have something to do with the income they generate? Or the difficulty (or lack thereof) of the activity? Or the amount of time they put into it?
All moms are working moms. I know that sounds kind of trite, and I’m not trying to be all “rah-rah go us!” about it, but really, what is work? And how can anyone possibly say that what we all do, each and every day, isn’t it?
Merriam-Webster defines “work” as “1: activity in which one exerts strength or faculties to do or perform something: a: sustained physical or mental effort to overcome obstacles and achieve an objective or result b: the labor, task, or duty that is one’s accustomed means of livelihood c: a specific task, duty, function, or assignment often being a part or phase of some larger activity.”
Yeah, I’d say what moms do fits the bill.
As for the whole “Mommy Wars” issue and the controversy surrounding Leslie Bennetts (and Work It, Mom!’s publication of her article), all I can really say is this: In order to take part in the war, you have to buy into the theory or theories behind it and pick a side. And I don’t.
Maybe it’s generational — I’m Generation X through and through, and we’re lazy slackers, right? (Yeah, didn’t buy that one either.) Maybe it’s situational — I’ve always been the breadwinner in our family, so not bringing in a significant income isn’t an option for me. Maybe it’s personal — I like working and, to be completely honest, I was miserable during my maternity leaves, especially the second one, even though I adore all five of our children. Or maybe it’s me wanting to have my cake and eat it, too — I like working, but I’d like it even more if I could earn what I earn now (or more!) but on my terms, on my schedule, and without my current commute.
Whatever it is, I want to go back in time and give my on-maternity-leave self a (gentle) slap upside the head and a hug and tell her that, yes, she’s definitely a “working mom” — and, damn, that’s some hard work she was doing.
How do you define “working mom”? If you don’t think of yourself as “working,” why not?
This entry was posted on Monday, March 17th, 2008 at 12:01 am and is filed under Career, The Juggle, Working? Living?.
March 17th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
In my own case, a “working mom” is a mom who goes to work somewhere every day. But I’ve been a pretty traditional version. The workplace is evolving into where it’s pretty much everywhere - office, home, the wi-fi-enabled coffee shop, the airport - so the definition of a “working mom” needs to evolve right along with it.
I think that if you’re getting paid for your time and/or production, you’re working, no matter where you do it.
If you’re giving time and effort for the benefit of others but not getting paid for it, you’re working too.
I’m glad you asked the question, Lylah. It doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all answer anymore, assuming it ever did, and there are other definitions besides mine.
March 17th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Thanks, Florinda! I was surprised when I noticed that the way I thought of my own “worklng mom” title changed depending on what I was doing… it made me wonder how other people think of their own situations. I’m sure there are as many answers as there are moms.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I think this is a perfect illustration of the gender biases and divides that continue to plague our culture. Mothers work whether they work outside of the home for a salary, work inside the home for a salary, or see no salary at all from their work. (Fathers too!)…I think the generation before us with their all or nothing attitude towards working mothers is continuing to influence our decisions as parents and parents-to-be, and it needs to stop. Thanks, Lylah for another thought-provoking blog!
March 17th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Like Floridian, I am also a bit more traditional and a lot of it is because I leave the house and “go to work”. I do believe that “working” is doing something that involves 100% of your attention and requires the other areas of your life to be temporarily cared for by another person. I work as a manager and I work as a mother to my children and I work as a wife. (Sadly for my husband, the wife role is not temporarily filled by another while I’m doing another activity. ) According to my bank only one of the three makes a monthly deposit, but I feel all require work.
This is a good question. The definition of “work” isn’t the same for everyone, but when I refer to myself as a working mother it is because I do something as Karen, not Mommy or Mrs. G and I am being paid to do it.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Great post, Lylah. It’s great to see that so many people agree that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer.
March 19th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Lylah, I always love reading your point of view! Can you go back and slap me, too? Or, just come over and slap me now? Hee.
March 21st, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Chrissy: I’m glad you enjoyed the post! And I think you are so right about today’s working mom needing to stop using the past as their main reference point.
klg: Good point! Thanks for sharing how you define Working Mom for yourself…
A Lost Writer: Thank you!
Mandy: No, I won’t slap you. I will, however, buy you a Tequlia the next time I see you (as long as there’s some available — we may have to bring our own!)
March 22nd, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Well Lylah,
I’ve been on both sides of the fence and I’ll tell you - I do more work being an SAHM than I ever did when I was in the traditional go-to-an-outside-9to5-job.
I have 4 young children and I’m up first thing in the morning and the last one in bed at night.
I also did the part-time job thing where I stayed at home until 6pm and then worked until 10:30pm teaching medical classes at a vocational school.
So I’m a jack-of-all-trades mom whose done it all and it’s ALL WORK in my book.
March 24th, 2008 at 11:27 am
LET ME JUST SAY ALL WORKING WOMEN ARE GREAT
March 24th, 2008 at 11:28 am
WITHOUT WORKING WOMEN THIS PLANET WILL TURN TO SH*T
March 25th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I’m having trouble defining myself! According to the dictionary, I’m definitely working all day long. However, I only consider myself “working” when I’m at the computer, not when I’m caring for my children, cooking dinner, picking up the house, etc. etc. etc. I need to expand my definition, but I guess I associate working with getting paid, which is wrong because so much of the work I do I don’t get financial compensation for!
March 29th, 2008 at 10:46 am
I don’t really define myself, I guess, because for so long I’ve been a working mom who’s also at home most of the time. The whole thing is a lot more ambiguous than the mommy-war-mongers allow for, isn’t it!