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I Didn't Change My Name When I Got Married
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I didn’t change my name when I got married.
There are many reasons: I was in my 30s by the time I walked down the aisle, I already had a career in my own name, with a reputation and bylines and even a book. I owned my home and car and other things outright, and changing my name on all of those legal documents was a hassle.
But, most of all, I kept my name because it was my name — I was used to it, and replacing it with my husband’s made me feel like I was faking it, somehow.
When we were filling out the forms, in our tiny town hall in liberal Massachusetts, I teased my husband, telling him, “This is your last chance to keep your name, you know.” The sweet, older lady behind the counter looked like she might keel over from shock, and I felt like I had written “brazen hussy” in the “name after marriage” spot on the application.
About 90 percent of women take their husband’s name when they marry, and that’s more than before, according to a Harvard University study — in spite of the fact that the societal trends that led to women keeping their names in the past (delayed marriage, higher levels of education, and increased presence in the workforce) are the same.
So, why the change? Are working women, do we feel that’s a way to underscore our femininity? A way to bond with our mates? Or a way to highlight our link to our family histories — or to our children and our futures?
I kept my name anyway. For the record: My husband kept his, too, but I still think it’s hilarious whenever telemarketer’s call and ask for “Mr. Alphonse.”
Did you keep your name when you married? Why or why not?
This entry was posted on Monday, May 26th, 2008 at 12:02 am and is filed under Career, Working? Living?.
Tags: career, marriage, Working mother
May 26th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I hyphenated my name when I got married. It was a compromise to respect his wishes that I have his name, while still keeping my own. In retrospect, if I had it to do again, I would simply keep my own. The system is not made to deal with people with two last names. I can’t tell the endless run-ins I’ve had with official offices who tell me they cannot enter hyphens in the computer system, or who misfile my name, etc., etc. And then, there is the occasional person, upon seeing I have a hyphenated name, who feels compelled to say something like, “oh…you’re one of *those*.”
I don’t mind having the husband’s name for things related to our children or family, but in general, I’ve never liked the concept much. To me it reeks too much of antiquated notions of women as property. I had my own identity before I was his wife. I didn’t feel compelled to give that up simply because I got married.
May 26th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I took the indecisive way out and hyphenated
May 26th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I added his to mine. I had a lot of professional contacts in my own name, so I compromised. The end result did give me some awesome initials — O.K.!!
May 26th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I kept my name. I am an only child and we don’t have a lot of family in the US, plus I like my last name:)
May 26th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
One thing about changing your name - get married more than once, and you may just have to keep doing it, since Husband #2 may not exactly be understanding about his wife still having Husband #1’s last name :-).
I married young the first time and cheerfully changed my last name - and since I was married for 18 years and had built my career with that name, I didn’t take my maiden name back after the divorce. When I married for the second time, I did the same as Daisy - added his name. At a practical level, I answer to either, both, or the combination. It gets a little confusing :-).
May 27th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I hyphenated my name when I got married. I was already working and I liked my name. My original plan was to keep my name and not add his, but then I was talked into the addition by family who felt it would be easier for future kids in communications with schools, doctors, etc. Now that I have kids, I don’t think it would matter all that much. I agree with what someone else said, it would have been easier to just keep my name - my files are always being misplaced and receptionists never seem to know what part of the alphabet to pull my file from.
May 27th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I took his name.
Reason #1: Changing it meant more to him than keeping the old one meant to me.
Reason #2: It gives me warm fuzzies that my husband, kids, and I all share the same last name.
I did briefly think of moving my old last name to my middle name, but decided I liked my original middle initial better in my signature.
Unexpected bonus: when I got pregnant, he said that since I had taken his last name, I should get to choose the children’s first names.
May 27th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I took his name, without much thought, honestly. He would have been very bothered if I hadn’t, I suspect.
Since then, I’ve given it some thought and I’m glad I did. To me it’s symbolic of the very real shift in world perspective. When we married, we went from being me (a part of my family) and him (a part of his) to us (our own little family unit).
FWIW, I don’t think it would have mattered to me WHAT name we chose as the common one, but I’m not one to buck the trend just for the sake of being different. (Also, my poor husband’s parents — it’s bad enough that he married a card-carrying-bleeding-heart-liberal. No need to add insult to injury.) I do know a couple from college who combined their last names into a new one and both changed to that.
I do wish I had dropped my middle name (wo which I had never felt particularly attached) and used my maiden name (with which I have a positive connection). I think that would have been a more accurate reflection of how I see myself. Jan, first and foremost. A part of the MarriedName family that now includes our two children. But also, maybe under the surface, but still there, a MaidenName.
May 28th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I was determined to keep my last name because I was also determined to not get married until I was into my thirties and had a great career under my belt. Instead, I fell in love and was married at 25 when I was only just beginning my career.
A couple of weeks before the wedding, when dealing with many different people over the phone, I became very frustrated that no one seemed able to spell Saucier, let alone pronounce it. That’s when I decided to change my name. When I told my husband I was taking his name he was thrilled. Today I’m glad I did it because he and his family are just as much a part of me as my own family.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:27 am
I love reading what you all did and why!
One thing that does come up for me is the issue of my kids, my stepkids, and last names. I never correct any of my kids’ friends if they call me “Mrs. MyHusband’sName,” and both my mother-in-law and my own mother almost always address mail to me that way, but my kids and stepkids all have the same last name (their dad’s) which does make things easier when it comes to pull files at the doctor’s office and whatnot…
May 28th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
wow! i always looked forward to getting married just so i could change my name. i hated my last name! i trade up ever so slightly!
that said, my hubby i pretty laid back and wouldnt really care one way or the other. I think we both felt it was just whatever i wanted to do. i DID feel weird and a bit of a fraud for the first so many years we were married because i was just not used to the name!
Lastly, a woman i worked with and her husband had decided that since they would become a ‘new’ family when they got married - they should have a new name. instead of just picking one, they actually made one up and made sure it didnt exist anywhere yet. i thought that was kinda cool too!
May 28th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
We both changed our names- we now have a double barreled last name. When I said on the honeymoon I was nervous and maybe I should just take his, he said, “You can do what you want, but I’m changing my name!”
I do like having all the same name, and I’m thrilled he was willing to change his. Though it’s been just 10 years, I can’t remember what it was like when my name was different. He says when he sees his old name, it just looks wrong.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I did not change my last name. I feel that, this is a name I was born with, this is who I am, why should I change that? And one day if/when I become famous, I want it to be with my original name. It does not make sense to some people when I tell them, but it makes sense to me.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Lylah — I took my ex-husband’s name when we married, and at the time I was proud to be Mrs. _____. We had three children and divorced 8 years ago. I’ve kept my married name so my children and I can have the same last name, but sometimes it really bugs me….
May 30th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I hyphened my name when I got married the first time and spent most days regretting it, so when I married again I took my husbands name. Why? Because I knew I was now married for life. I had found him and this was it and I wanted every one to know it.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I was in my late 20’s before I got married and I was fully immersed in career mode. I’m also one of four daughters to my Dad, who is the ONLY son in his family. I also knew we’d have a family. And I had heard from friends who’d kept their names about how they’d have to EXPLAIN why their last name was different from their children’s. SO….I hyphenated!
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I’m in a delimia, I like his last name, but I don’t want to take it just yet. How do I keep my name, for now, and have the option of swtiching to his lastname later on. He doesn’t care if I take his name or not.
June 2nd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Mary: You can keep your name for now and legally change it later in life if you want to — apparently, it’s quite easy to do (and not uncommon at all — Hillary Rodham only added Clinton to her name about 5 years after she got married…
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:14 am
So I’m guessing here that I leave my maiden name on the marriage certificate, and later on in life I just Pay to change it?
June 4th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Exactly. As long as you’re over 18, you can legally change your name whenever you want to. Of course, a judge has to agree with your decision, and there are hoops you’ll have to jump through, but it’s not hard — and you don’t even have to go the legal route right away if you don’t want to… you can always start using your husband’s last name socially and make the legal switch later.
Penelope Trunk has a great post about changing her name on her blog, Brazen Careerist. Here’s the link: My Name Is Not Really Penelope.
June 5th, 2008 at 9:47 am
“Reason #1: Changing it meant more to him than keeping the old one meant to me.
Reason #2: It gives me warm fuzzies that my husband, kids, and I all share the same last name.”
Ditto that. My husband is much more enlightened nowadays, however, and I don’t think he would mind if I had kept my name. In fact, I think he would be thrilled if our daughter one day marries and chooses to keep our last name.
My sis and BIL both changed their last names to a new one, which I thought was AWESOME. His family threw a fit. And, oddly enough, he had quite a hard time of it at the courthouse in this post-9/11 world. Give me a break! He’s a philosophy professor, not a terrorist!
June 18th, 2008 at 1:25 am
I was very excited and honored to take my husband’s name. My last name has nothing to do with my profession or with my stage in life.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
I am very new to this whole getting married thing… excited but also so scared to death!!!
So many changes that have to be dealt with… I never really gave the whole name change much thought until recently only because I was always told that “taking your husbands last name was the decent and right thing to do”… I’d love to have his last name, but my goodness!… it sure is one heck of a procedure and can be costly!!! Would love any suggestions anyone has to offer… how can I change my name and do it inexpensively?
June 20th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Help! …. Can I get my name legally changed to my fiance’s surname but still use my last name on all my documents until I am ready to actually TELL that my last name changed. For ex, my license, car insurance, social security….. ect.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I found this interesting because my mother did not change her name so she had a different last name from me, which I always found weird. I’d make her sign stuff for school with my last name to avoid questions.
But now that I am getting married I don’t plan to change my last name, and realize why my mother stuck to hers.I’ve been this person 25 years and getting married doesn’t change that.
I hope my kids will have an easier time than I did though
June 29th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I considered keeping my maiden name when marrying but in the end I just didn’t see the difference. Either way, I’m labelled with the last name of a male lineage of one man’s or another. After all, my maiden name wasn’t from my mother’s family it was from my father’s family - wasn’t yours? I love this new trend of newlyweds creating a name of their own that is neither His nor Her Father’s. But you know the best part? The best part is that we get to choose for ourselves. We have more acceptance than ever before in history to make these types of personal choices. And as we make these choices we set an example of happiness and self respect for our daughters to follow. To me, that just rocks!
June 30th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I kept my name for many of the reasons you mentioned (minus the book!) It was my name, I liked it and my husband really didn’t care. There was a point where my kids thought that if a married couple had the same last name, it meant that they were brother and sister because most of the married couples they knew had different last names.
July 12th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
After a year long fight to keep my maiden name–my husband!
At first I wanted to change my last name, but somehow I let myself convince myself that it was a link to my family heritage. It was a part of my Puerto Rican heritage and I wanted to keep it for the sake of my children knowing this “side” of themselves, but I finally changed it because my children will know who they are regardless, my husband said he would be “honored” for me to have his name–lol and I get a secret pleasure at telling my in laws ha-ha..just kidding. NO, but my decision to take my husband’s last name was because I wanted us to have a whole family unit last name and all….
July 16th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
My husband and I had long discussions about this while we were going out. I kept telling him that my name was not his name. I just hyphenated my name. I am glad I did. My brother and his brother married a Debbie talk about a hassle I thought that I left in grade school.
Anyway, now I mainly use his name on everything except legal documents (those of which are alway hyphenated.
July 17th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
I have been married for two years now, and had intended to change my name, but then just couldn’t bring myself to do so. I also married in my 30s, had established myself in a career, and the full name that I have been called since birth…..just feels like me. If someone calls me by my husband’s last name, I don’t correct them, and enjoy that they have combined our names in that way for the moment. I think it is also a direct connection to my father’s parents, my parents and sister (who also did not change her name after marrying) that I want to keep.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I’m just confused. I have a son from my first marriage. I want to take on my husbands name since I am married again but worried that people won’t know that my son is my son due to a different last name. I also have a lot of items under my first married name..work, legal docs, etc. Not sure I want to hyphenate b/c my new hubby would really like to see my first married name disappear.. any suggestions?
July 21st, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Leanna: If taking your new husband’s name is very important to you, then I’d suggest hyphenating. Unless your son is going to be changing his last name, too, your new husband will just have to get used to your son’s last name, right? So why not let him deal with your sharing your son’s last name as well as your new husband’s? Seems fair….
July 25th, 2008 at 10:14 am
im filipino and married with korean…my baby got my husband last name but i didnt.my husband told me its their culture but im still confused.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I married for the second time at age 54. I had changed my name to my first husband’s name but changed back to my maiden name when we were divorced. The second time I had not planned to change my name again, it felt so good to me to have my own name back. But my husband insisted and so I relented, making my maiden name my middle name, intending to use all three. To my utter dismay and frustration, society would not let me. It refused to honor all three name and insisted on reducing my real name, my maiden name, to a mere initial. I was horrified and grief-stricken. It became one of the biggest bones of contention between me and my husband, a grief to me that he refused to understand and had zero compassion for, only feeling peeved and angry that it hurt me so much to lose my identity that was tied up and represented in my own name. To those who question it, let me tell you that my own name represents a thousand years of traceed family history, while his only a couple of generations. He knew that, and still insisted and withheld any comfort or understanding. Not surprisingly, the marriage didn’t last. I am divorced again, and me again, and regardless of whatever happens in the future, I will NEVER again relinquish my own identity and lose my name. And any man who would ask or expect me to, knowing what it means to me, has no right to ask for or expect my love either.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I didn’t change my name when I married - either time! Neither my first husband nor my current husband have any issues with it at all. My first husband’s family didn’t like it, but then again they didn’t like me.
We have two children that have my husband’s last name, with my last name being one of their middle names. That works for us, but my husband now says he wishes we had thought more about that and had perhaps given our son my last name. (Great guy, huh??)
August 1st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
jane: I know in several cultures — I’m thinking about my married friends in Puerto Rico right now — it’s usual for women to keep her name, and for the children to get two last names, one from each parent. Maybe it’s that way in your husband’s culture, too?
Chris: Thank you for sharing that with us, and giving us a chance to learn from your lesson. What a good point — anyone who can expect you to compromise yourself on a basic level like that should not expect your love.
rb: Wow, that’s so rare! Cool!
August 25th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
I kept my name when I married. My name meant a lot to me and my husband was indifferent on the subject. I recently had my first child and she has her daddy’s last name. I was just wondering if anyone has had issues or situations with moms having a different last name from their kids.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Wonder how many men take their wife’s name when they get married? My ex-husband took mine, and I’ve been regretting it ever since!