I have problems with anger.

I mean, historically I have reacted to anger in other people. It sort of scared me. When someone around me was angry I thought it was about me, and it made me feel horrible. What did I do? Could I undo it somehow? Pleasepleaseplease?

And, ironically, anger in other people made me angry.

We all feel anger. But what can we do about it? Strong emotions like anger aren’t exactly welcome in most circles. People just want it to go away.

So when I say “I have problems with anger” I really mean “We as a society have problems with anger.”

But I have a solution for this.

Step One

Anger isn’t bad.

Okay, this is going to cause a huge paradigm shift, but I’m here to tell you that anger isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t matter if you come from a family who wildly expressed anger intensely, or who felt it but repressed and dismissed it and pretended it didn’t exist (that would be my family), or who expressed it exuberantly but with the love underneath still present (lucky you if that was your experience). Any way you grew up knowing anger, chances are, because we live in the society that we do, that your experience of anger has greatly been colored by your childhood. Learning to think about anger differently can bring up all kinds of childhood stuff, but I promise you it’s all good in the end.

Step Two

Anger is power.

I had an epiphany about the nature of anger the other day. It happened in a conversation. He was angry. It was even related to things I do. I couldn’t see his eyes from where I sat, and all I could do was listen and feel. At first I steeled myself for my habitual defense-against-anger, but then I became entranced by his voice: I couldn’t help but notice the resonance it had. And then I felt the absolute power from his anger. He was angry and was expressing this anger yet all I felt was the power of it, like he was harnessing the infinite power of the Universe.

And there was a beauty in that.

Anger…beautiful??

YES!

Step Three

Express your anger in new ways.

This one I am still learning. It’s much more than hitting pillows, though that can be helpful. With my kids I’m practicing expressing anger through playfulness. We make faces. We scream in unison. We play silly games: “I’m so angry I could squeeze an elephant into a thimble!” “Well, I’m so angry I could rip the Empire State Building in half with my bare hands!”

I want my kids to be unafraid of anger, mine or their own. It’s not easy, and this is requiring huge changes for all of us.

But anger is beautiful, and it can be an expression of love.

So I invite you to let your anger out. Don’t “manage” it. Create something beautiful with it.