Choose “bad behavior,” and you’ll lose privileges. Choose “good behavior,” and you’ll find that life is much better for everyone.

But the world isn’t black and white. Even in business, the choices you make can make or break your business - or you. Or they might have little or no impact on anything. And the choices you make are never made - or played out - in a vacuum. There are other factors, other players, other influences.

So even if you choose “good behavior” or make what you feel is the “right choice,” it can create an avalanche of problems or cut out opportunity,.

For 2012, one of my focuses has been on paring down the projects I work on and the opportunities I accept. They either have to be things that make me say “Hell, Yeah!” or that pay me commensurate to my worth. The first criteria is something entrepreneur Derek Sivers talked about back in 2009 - a criteria for determining when you agree to do something. If it isn’t a “Hell, Yeah,” then it must be a “No.”

The second part - being paid commensurate to my worth - has always been a tough one for me because saying “No” simply because someone doesn’t have a budget seems…bad, somehow. Yet we all set goals for ourselves and our businesses, and if part of those goals are financial - which they should be in business - then wanting to be paid what your worth is a good thing.

Still, saying “No” can be painful. I  cringe. Feel guilty even.

I was recently offered a paying speaking gig, and although it wasn’t a “Hell, Yeah,” it was certainly an acceptable offer and my immediate inclination was to say yes. But then, another factor came to play in my decision, literally as I  composed an email to accept. I realized the event fell close to other business travel and suddenly my “few days away” from my husband and 5-year-old turned into 10 days including travel time.

The Family Factor. That’s another part of the complex puzzle of making choices. And after being away for 6 weeks last year for a book tour and several overseas speaking engagements, I vowed that in 2012, I’d make very conscious, careful choices about opportunities that took me away from home.

When I was single, I was a road warrior and loved every minute of it. Now that I have a child, I don’t only feel like I’m missing out on her life when I’m away, but it is also complicated and stressful figuring out childcare in our rural town. For the 6 weeks I was away last year, I flew my mom to our place from Florida to help out. But that’s too costly for 10 days away.

So I said “No.” And my gut churned. Words started flying around in my brain like “You reject this, and they’ll never ask you back” and “You just turned down money. You’re going to fail.” To get through those moments of panic, I kept telling myself “You can’t just chase the money. You can’t just chase the money.” I knew I was making the “right” decision but even found myself a little disappointed that I chose not to go.

Life is full of choices. Even the good ones might end up “bad.” But if you know in your heart why you are making those choices and can live with that, then stand strong. Nobody said it was easy.

What criteria do you use to make your business decisions? Is it all about the money…or more?

Another way I am trying to contribute is by continuing to mentor other women who are looking to start businesses. Recently, I asked one of the women - Danielle Elwood - to keep a startup diary about her new business. I’ll be sharing her diary entries along with some of my own comments as a way of teaching and inspiring others - like you!

In this entry, Danielle is struggling with naming her business. I blogged about this business dilemma back in 2008, and it’s a common one that many of us have as we embark on a new business venture. Here’s Danielle’s story.

Launching my own business has become a struggle, but the biggest problem I have come across has been coming up with a creative, descriptive, and fitting name. I even went as far to hold a virtual contest on my blog (http://www.danielleelwood.com/help-name-my-business/), asking my readers to help me come up with something.

Being the picky soul I am — I didn’t pick any of the entries. I feel bad because my readers put forth their best creative effort, and my pickiness put the kibosh on all of them.

Finally, a couple days later, I was taking a shower with my mind running a mile a minute — like always. And it came to me! One Mom Digital Media.

But this wasn’t before I nixed dozens of names including my own personal name on the business. I didn’t want to have a self titled business like Danielle Elwood Media. I am not really sure why, but I guess I wanted to be able to expand some day and not have others be known under my name.

Breaking down One Mom Digital Media...

My business name starts with “One Mom” because obviously I am going into this project solo, and “Digital Media” because that is exactly what I am going to be offering. Social media, Facebook, Twitter, management, marketing - the new age of marketing for businesses

Here is to a successful endeavor and a diary to help other women entrepreneurs in my position!

As Danielle can attest, naming a business is often challenging. What I like about her name is that it is clear and descriptive. In some ways, however, the name might be almost as limiting as using her own name. It suggests there is only one person in the company so even when she expands to more than “One Mom,” the name doesn’t necessarily grow with her.

“Digital Media,” on the other hand, is a nice expansive term that can cover a host of services.

I do think that the name is evocative and could appeal to small businesses owned by women who want to work with other women-owned businesses or maybe even larger companies looking to reach moms. With that focus, Danielle could build a strong niche for herself, zeroing in on potential customers that fit a demographic or are trying to reach a demographic where she can demonstrate - and hone - an expertise.

For example, since she is a mom, I hired her to help with some of the social networking and communications around promoting Mom, Incorporated (yes, I’m a paying client). I feel in addition to having the appropriate skills, she is the book’s target reader, and that is a great benefit when someone is starting to manage a social community.

What do you think of Danielle’s business name? What is your company’s name and how did you come up with it?

While working from home, it is easy to get distracted by household activities or to wander from task to task instead of plowing through work systematically and checking things off a list. Besides carving out actual work time between family life, staying disciplined is a tough one for me.

I have no trouble staying motivated to do the work, but my attention flits from assignment to social media to a side project to another assignment. By the time the school bus brings my kindergartener home from her after-school program, I’m left wondering where the time went.

In the search for greater discipline, I began examining my home office habits. I like to joke that I love working from home because I can work in my pajamas. The not-so-funny thing is that I do which I think makes it easier to get complacent about time. I am also noticing that I’m not showering. What’s a day or two or three of going without a shower if I’m not seeing anyone?

The lack of showering should be noticed by my husband. But either he is too polite to say anything or really doesn’t mind the way I smell. Because I live in a very rural community and the temperatures are rapidly dropping to the minus double digits, I have little motivation - or need - to leave the house. Showering seems like extra effort for a limited audience.

If discipline is my weak point, then I need to change my ways. I need to develop an overall routine that gets me out of hibernation mode and into focus. Showering is step one. Putting on something other than lounge wear is the next step. I don’t mean dress up but certainly a pair of jeans and top rather than sweats and a t-shirt.

And then there’s exercise. I prefer working out in the morning, and with the dangerously cold winter weather here, going for a run or walk is out of the question. Instead, I should turn on the Wii as soon as the family is out the door and spend 20 minutes getting the blood pumping.

None of this may seem out of the ordinary for anyone who goes to an office every day. Wake up, shower, get dressed, breakfast and/or workout, off to work. But when working from home, the routine gets fuzzy between wake up and work. Getting rid of the fuzzy could totally transform my work life, don’t you think?

What is your morning routine before going to your work?  Where does it need improvement?

We’re trying to eliminate the pressure we all put on ourselves of “finding balance.” We want to remove it from our vocabularies because with everything on our plates that we want on our plates and in our lives, it simply does not add up to balance. It can’t.

As we said in the piece:

Rare is the individual who can say “I give 50% of my time and attention to my company and the other 50% to my family.” It just doesn’t happen in the real world for most of us. Instead, our days often consist of 85% work and 15% personal life if we’re working outside of the home. And that 15% is further divided between family time and actual “me-based” interests.

Our thinking is that we set the bar way too high around “balance” - or listen to society’s bar setting - and then feel guilty or inadequate when we don’t attain that nirvana of mommydom and businesshood. We need to break ourselves out of the constant striving to be everything to everyone at once. And we have to stop giving lip service to the idea of making sure we take care of ourselves and making our self-care a part of the equation of our daily lives.

If we learn how to allot our time, shift focus, and then maintain that singular focus so we can excel at what we’re doing, we’ll get closer to getting things right and not feeling like we’re doing something wrong. This isn’t easy. I know for myself, shifting gears from client/business mode to mommy mode is a stretch and a struggle. I’m still far more comfortable in my working woman skin than my mom role.

I can’t say I’m practicing what I preach either, at least not consistently. It is a day-to-day effort, and as you know, each day inevitably brings something new and unexpected. Another thing to juggle. And at some point, like any juggler, you have to put something down. If not, you’ll drop something and that crash is far more upsetting than just saying “no” or putting something aside so you can devote your time and attention to something else.

There is no right or wrong in terms of how much work or how much play or how much family time or how much self time you juggle. Only you and those close to you can say what works. When it doesn’t work, someone will feel the pain. To complicate matters, the juggle is continuously changing: what you juggle, how you juggle it, who is happy with the current juggle. So be it.

There will even be times when you just can’t juggle any more. Try not to reach that breaking point. Give yourself some breathing room. You’ll have more energy and even time once the juggle starts up again.

How do you manage your juggle?

Memetales opened doors March 2010 and has been growing steadily in both community and content. The site helps writers and illustrators collaborate through an online collaboration space, and they recently launched their mobile storytelling app for kids for iPod, iPhone and iPad.

Previously, Maya worked as a software developer, architect and consultant in bigger corporations for a number of years.

Entrepreneur Mom: Why did you start your biz? What were your intentions from the start? (lifestyle, income, growing or go big or go home)

Maya Bisineer: The idea for the original Memetales came about early 2009. A bunch of us set up a collaboration space to create children’s stories and books.

That original idea grew into the Memetales product as it is today - a platform to share children’s stories.

In the beginning Memetales was simply that - a collaborative community. It evolved mainly because I saw a real need to help people share their creations with a wider audience. Creating good children’s stories are hard work and good stories need a platform to be shared.

Entrepreneur Mom: You were based at home for a while-how long? How long before you began working with a team?

Maya: Memetales beta was launched mid 2010. We were based at home. We had two members on the founding team and hired out some of the dev work. So, we were a team from Day 1.
Today we work in a team of five and have two interns.

Entrepreneur Mom:  Then you moved into a space outside of your home?

Maya: I had an official office space for Memetales. It was shared by a few different companies and individuals who were a part of the winning team at StartupWeekend Redmond.

I pitched an idea at StartupWeekend Redmond and about 7 of us worked together to build DoodleADoodle - an ipad app to teach kids drawing in under 15 minutes a day. At the end of 48 hours, we won top place (out of 13 companies) and as a result won office space at Thinkspace (a co-working space).

We won a few different things and shared the goodies amongst the DoodleADoodle team and I was lucky enough to get office space that some of us share and I also use for the Memetales work.

Entrepreneur Mom:  What is the best way to describe your business?

Memetales is like a curated YouTube for children’s stories.

Memetales consists of a mobile app and a web platform where kids can read stories and engage in a number ways around stories. Approved publishers can publish their books on Memetales will incredible ease.

Our mission is to continuously innovate at the intersection of great stories, passionate individuals (authors and artists) and creative children. Good stories/books will go away if we do not find ways to reinvent them in the most interesting, valuable and scalable ways.

Entrepreneur Mom: You recently moved to Silicon Valley from Seattle. How has relocating affected your business?

Moving is hard. Period. Moving with kids and family means lost work time for sure. The Silicon Valley is really great, however. I have already met several startup folk and made a lot of progress on the fundraising end. It really is the best place to be for a startup to be.

Entrepreneur Mom: You also recently presented at the VentureBeat event DEMO. How did that go?

Yes, thanks to the Kauffman Foundation, we got invited to pitch at DEMO on a scholarship.DEMO was a great experience. We got great press and met some amazing companies. Here is a recap on our blog with our video -

http://blog.memetales.com/2011/09/memetales-at-demo-fall-2011/

Entrepreneur Mom: As the techie mom of two little girls, what advice would you give to other moms about letting their children use mobile devices?

I strongly believe in moderation. Digital is yet another way to learn and interact with the world, it is not the only way. With that belief, we, as a family are very conscious of or device time. My kids certainly use my devices but not for more than 20 minutes at a time and mostly only on the weekends. My belief is that as long as device use is in moderation and does not come at the cost of outside activity/playtime or family time it is fine. The onus is on us as parents to handle that. It is not very different from the role that TV played in our early years.

Know a mom entrepreneur we should feature here? Let us know!

The Book: Mom, Incorporated

Mom, Incorporated is a holistic, realistic guide to starting and running a business from home with children in your midst. This is my 9th book but my first with a co-author. Danielle Smith is an accomplished video correspondent with her media company Danielle Smith Media (which she runs from a home office) and creator of ExtraordinaryMommy.com.

The @momincbook Book Tour #mominc

Danielle and I head to South Florida and then to Atlanta this weekend for the start of our book tour.

From Heather Solos, author of Home Ec-101 and Heather Lopez of Super Mom Entrepreneur Conference to Adelaide Lancaster and Amy Abrams of In Good Company and authors of The Big Enough Company: Creating a Business That Works For You, to Shannon Nash in Atlanta and Niri of MommyNiri.com and Laura Fitton of oneforty/HubSpot in Boston to Karla Trotman of BellyButtonBoutique.com in Philly, we’re sharing the spotlight with other amazing women and moms to share the stories about our businesses and share advice from our experiences running successful home-based business.

You can find the constantly updated list of tour dates here.

We hope to meet moms like us - like YOU - who are aspiring to start - or grow - a business from home.

YOU are Mom, Incorporated, a Power Mom, and we want to celebrate YOU!

Let us know if you can make it to one of our events!

Here’s Adelaide’s official bio:

Adelaide Lancaster is an entrepreneur, speaker and co-author of The Big Enough Company: Creating a business that works for you (Portfolio/Penguin). She is also the co-founder of In Good Company Workplaces, a first-of-its-kind community, learning center and co-working space for women entrepreneurs in New York City. She is a contributor to The Huffington Post, and a columnist for The Daily Muse and The Hired Guns. She lives in Philadelphia, PA with her husband and daughter.

And here’s her post where she explores some core lessons she has learned from being both mom and entrepreneur.

I think that moms make excellent entrepreneurs. I also think the reverse is true. After spending the last year navigating these two roles simultaneously, I’ve been surprised at how many of the core lessons overlap. It occurred to me that most of the things that make for a successful experience as an entrepreneur are also the things that make for a successful experience as a mom.

In my case, I was an entrepreneur for seven years before I was a mother. And although I still consider myself a new mom, I felt more prepared (in some ways) for the tremendous journey of motherhood because of what I’ve learned running my own business. I’ve heard lots of experienced mom entrepreneurs talk about the secrets of their success before. Some point to the ingenuity, creativity, and resilience, while others highlight their keen multi-tasking and prioritization skills. I agree these have come in handy, but for me it was four different lessons that resonated most strongly.

Lesson 1: Get comfortable with “good enough”

Entrepreneurs often find themselves battling impossible and unrealistic standards. Moms do too. Entrepreneurs contend with overnight success legends – small wonders who “hit it big”, while moms constantly battle all sorts of mythological creatures from Mrs. Brady to the modern-day super woman who can (wince) “do it all.” What’s more, neither moms nor entrepreneurs have jobs that are ever done. There is always more that you can do. More that you can give.

As an entrepreneur, I had to learn to embrace my limits and limitations despite and in spite of an endless number of tasks. Once I realized that I couldn’t “do it all” I gave up trying. Instead I focused on doing what was important, as defined by my priorities and goals.

As a result, I was more successful. This proved to be quite a valuable motherhood lesson. Tempted to be fully-equipped, fully-prepared, and over-scheduled with enrichment opportunities, I recognized early on the negative impact that doing too much was having on the experience. It turns out that one recommended parenting book is enough, that fewer toys encourage creativity, and less gear makes life simpler. Once I forgot about everything that “should” be done, I was actually able to do a lot well and enjoy myself.

Lesson 2: Accept that progress happens on its own time

Businesses grow and develop at different rates, same as children. Some startups take longer to get out of the gate, while others explode overnight. This causes a lot of angst about what “should be” happening. Many entrepreneurs battle to speed things up, proclaiming, “look at how much we’ve done!” While other entrepreneurs feel badly that they haven’t yet reach particular milestones. However, experience shows us that most businesses get there at some point and what matters is positive progression, not the rate of development.

Instead of comparing against businesses “born” around the same time, I learned to appreciate the uniqueness of my business, its goals, and its own path of achievement. Again, this was a very helpful experience to have in my arsenal as a new mom. It made me less anxious when my baby was slow to roll over and also less boastful when she was quick to crawl. I understood the futility of comparison and the importance the freedom for her to figure things out in her own time.

Lesson 3: Be honest

Entrepreneurs often feel obliged to paint a very rosy picture. Worried about displaying any hints of doubt, uncertainty or incompetence, we tend to spin things all the time. “Business has never been better!” “We are right on plan.” But the truth is that being an entrepreneur is all about embracing the uncertainty, reveling in the unknown, and constantly recalibrating as you go along. But in order to do this successfully you need feedback and input from others, which you will only get by being honest. No one will give you suggestions if you are already claiming that everything is great.

Instead you need to give an accurate assessment. “Here’s what we are doing well, but this is what I don’t quite understand.” The same is true for the experience of motherhood. You won’t get anywhere by pretending it is all roses. Hard days get mixed right in with the blissful ones. And you only get the support (and answers) you need by sharing the truth about what is going on. What’s even more important is realizing that being honest doesn’t lesson your (perceived) commitment. I love being an entrepreneur even when I feel stuck. I love being a mom even when I’m tired, frustrated, or at a loss for what to do.

Lesson 4: Understand the value of self-awareness

Both entrepreneurship and motherhood bring with them an onslaught of unsolicited advice and strong opinions about how to do it “right”. But what most entrepreneurs and moms quickly learn is that there is no such thing as one-size fits all. Trying to follow what others think you “should do” is a recipe for dissatisfaction both at home and at work. I learned that I would only be able to create a business that delivered the rewards I wanted if I was very clear about what kind of entrepreneur I want to be. Because of that, I’ve been able to strive for my own definition of success and eschew well-meaning but ill-fitting advice that I’ve received along the way.

My experience doing this as an entrepreneur encouraged me to give a lot of thought to what kind of mother I want to be and what kind of family environment I want to cultivate. I knew that the more aware I was of what I wanted, the better choices I’d be able to make. There’s nothing better than to be able to comfortably and confidently say, as an entrepreneur or mom, “this is what works for me.”

How is being an entrepreneur - and mom - informing your life?

…there is a big difference between meeting with a consultant to assess whether you want to hire her, and asking her to simply give you a couple of hours to do the work you need. When you are talking to someone whose work includes analyzing problems, offering insight or making recommendations, “picking their brain” is the same as asking them to work for free.

I’ve done it. You’ve probably done it. In the past, I felt guilty asking for money or even mentioning money when someone asked if they could have an hour of my time. I knew they wanted me to provide strategic thinking to help them work through a business issue. They knew this was what I did for a living.

But the money conversation can be hard, at least for me. So I’d get on the phone, and have mixed feelings afterward. I felt like I had done a good deed, and at the same time felt like a pushover. I had spent an hour or two giving away for free what I normally get paid to provide. I kicked myself for being weak and afraid to just bill for my time.

Now here is what I’ve learned about the Money Talk:

1. It never hurts to state your fee. You have a 50/50 chance of actually getting it.

2. It never hurts to ask for reciprocity or to barter. People often worry about asking for help when they need it and would being able to provide something in return could be a relief.

3. It doesn’t help to get mad about it. People make mistakes. Some people are ignorant. Others don’t realize what they’re asking. Some do and just want to get something for nothing. It runs the gamut. Don’t take other people’s errors on your shoulders. How you handle it - gracefully - will speak volumes.

4. It’s not your fault if they get mad. You learn a lot about a person when they react badly to someone who simply states their worth. You aren’t doing it to offend them, but if they take offense to a polite mention of your fee, it is their problem, not yours.

5. You can choose when to charge and when not to charge and not feel guilty about either. It really is up to you. Choosing not to state a fee or charge is a valid choice, but make sure you are making that choice out of strength, not weakness or fear.

6. Yes, they may walk away. So be it. You still have 59 minutes to get more work done.

I learned to state my fee in several ways:

1. I usually get $XXX an hour for that, but I’d love to help you out.

2. My fee is $XXX an hour for that. When would you like to speak?

3. I normally charge for that, but I’m happy to give you 1/2 hour.

Then I put these statements into action to build my courage.

There are the times that I really want to speak with the other person for a myriad of reasons or simply because I just feel like it. So I say, “Sure, when can you talk?” As long as I come away from those conversations energized versus depleted, I feel good about them, that my time was well spent. Because while it is business, it isn’t always about the money.

I can’t say I’m any less fearful asking for what I’m worth - which, frankly, translates to asking for MORE than I THINK I’m worth. I’ve had frank conversations with a number of trusted colleagues, PICKING THEIR BRAIN about what they think I should charge. They come back with numbers 2-3x larger than I come up with. Those numbers FREAK. ME. OUT. But then I see my colleagues charging the same or even more, and I realize that I’m simply not properly valuing my time. And time is PRECIOUS.

Do some people walk away when I state my price? Absolutely. ALL the time. Does it deter me from stating my price? Sometimes. It’s an ongoing struggle for me. But if I don’t value myself and my time, who else will?

Here’s a great roundup of other posts about “giving it away for free” by Lisa Barone with a list of 15 responses you can give when someone asks to pick your brain.

On the flip side, when I ask to pick someone else’s brain for something that I know they get paid to do, I preface with “I’d love to hire you for an hour of your time.” If I don’t know for sure, I will ask if I can speak with them and offer “I’m willing to pay you for your time.” Sometimes they charge me. Sometimes they don’t. But I hope we both come away feeling good about the outcome.

How do you ask to pick people’s brains? How are you asked when someone wants to pick yours?

stockxchng image by artM

She also says that diversity is good for Corporate America but not a startup - that it slows things down and can be stressful to the founders, keeping them from moving forward and focusing.

Trunk’s view got a lot of outcry from people who thought that she was saying women are bad for startups. I didn’t really get that impression from her piece. In fact, the title of her post was “Are Startups Better as Single-Gender Affairs?” The piece was really more about potential frictions when there are male and female startup founders.

In a response post, “Are Women Bad for Start-ups? You’ve Got To Be Kidding…” by Vanessa Camones, the Trunk article was interpreted as saying women are a distraction in startups. Well, Trunk wasn’t saying “women are a distraction” but again, she pointed out that having men and women at the helm of a startup can add distractions that could get the founders off track from the business at hand.

Trunk wasn’t saying women cannot helm startups. She wasn’t saying women are a problem.

And I’m not sure if it is as simple as “men and women don’t mix as leaders of a startup.” There are usually far more dynamics involved between co-founders of any startup.

I’ve started half a dozen companies, three of which were funded or funding bound and were started with others.

One company I started that received funding was with a male and there were definitely differences in how we worked and where we saw the company going. The differences caused some stress and distraction, but I can’t say it was a cut and dry set of differences related to gender. We were just different people.

I’ve started two companies with women, one funded and the other on the funding track. I have to say that the dynamics were definitely different working with another woman than working with a guy but that doesn’t mean things were always friction-free because we were women. Even women work differently and different personalities can cause different dynamics. At one of the companies, we brought on a male partner. And that did change the dynamic, but again, it didn’t seem to be related to gender per se.

Even though I can’t pinpoint specific gender-induced friction in my own companies, I do agree that when you put men and women in any situation - including the pressured environment of a high-growth startup - there could be some additional layers of stress, tension, complexity and issues that stem from gender differences. That’s just human nature.

So I think the post that caused the hubbub was blown out of proportion.

Women can be founders - and co-founders - of tech and high growth startups. But not all women. And not all men, by the way. Startups aren’t easy. Entrepreneur Tara Hunt gave a passionate speech at TedXConcordia about this. And yes, women can be at a disadvantage in a startup setting, more often because of outside perception and not that they are not capable. But there are a slew of women-helmed tech startups and more cropping up every day. That is awesome.

Are you cut out to be the founder of a tech startup? Why or why not?

Like entrepreneur (founder of Buyosphere) and author Tara Hunt says: “You aren’t a startup entrepreneur until you are ALL IN. Until you are 100% focused on what you are doing and willing to make the ultimate sacrifices, it won’t work.”