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For today’s post, I’m going to take a break from things I recommend, and instead talk about things I recommend against. Specifically, toddler toys that according to me, the EXPERT (har!), you should totally avoid buying for your own child, although you have my permission to buy them for someone else’s child, especially if you don’t like their parents very much. I was thinking of this subject over the weekend as I was cleaning out some overstuffed closets and encountering the Very Bad Toys we have hidden away over the months, which have now been sent to the local thrift shop so they may torment some other unsuspecting family.
As with all lame internet advice, your mileage may vary. One mom’s trash is another mom’s treasure. The opinions expressed by the author are not necessarily shared by, well, anyone else on earth. Etc. Blah. On to the crappy toys!
The Infamous Corn Popper. I can’t even type the name of this toy without thinking of the Corn Baller from Arrested Development; I also find it hard not to call this the Corn Holer. At any rate, do not fall into the same trap I did, where I combined some vague fond memories of playing with this toy as a child with the fact that my own boy had just started walking and thus “needed” something to push merrily around the house as he gamboled to and fro. Sure, he loved it, but was the unbelievable, nonstop, head-pounding racket this thing created worth the pleasure I derived from hearing my son’s happy giggles? NO IT WAS NOT.
The Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Learning Puppy. Aw, it’s a puppy—a learning puppy! It sings! It teaches! It’s loud as hell and it seems to randomly talk to itself and scares the bejesus out of you and I swear to god it can’t be turned off and it’s freakishly sensitive to movement and aiiiieeeeee! If Riley really, really loved this thing I guess I could forgive its multitude of sins; thankfully he’s far more interested in the non-singing, non-teaching real dog. Well, our dog isn’t thankful for that, but I am.
These FREAKING Balls. I think these things are called “Roll-a-Rounds”, we seem to have approximately eleventy bajillion of them from various toys. They seem innocuous enough, don’t they? Cute little plastic balls with tiny figures instead, what’s not to love? I mean, I love skull fractures, don’t you? I also love chipped paint, dents in the floor, and broken windows! I’m just saying, these balls are a little on the dangerous side if you have a small child who loves to fling shit around at random. Not that my well-behaved, perfect angel has ever had a problem with such a thing. Ahem.
Okay, your turn—what toys would you never, ever buy again?
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 6th, 2007 at 4:19 am and is filed under Toddler gear.
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November 6th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Doodlebears. http://www.doodlebear.com/ My daughter wrote all over it like she was supposed to, then she was bothered by how ugly it was after all the “fun”.
So we washed it (in a pillowcase as per instructions) and the arms and head ripped off. Scared the crap out of her. That was the day we had the lesson in “taking things back when they are defective”.
November 6th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
Learn to dress Elmo. http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2298887
It never shuts up, just keeps repeating the same thing over and over EVEN after you’ve done the task (Zip Elmo’s Jacket Please ad nauseum) in that fucking irritating Elmo’s voice. Cute doll without the batteries though.
Also, a Cat in the hat talking doll that reacts to any loud noise.
Both from the same family– I think they hate us.
I’ll give him the corn popper before he gets either.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
by far the most annoying toy ever invtented is the Playskool Busy Ball Popper http://www.hasbro.com/playskool/busybasics/default.cfm?page=browse&product_id=13031
it apparently has won a ton of awards but let’s see, how practicle is it to have a toy that SHOOTS BALLS ALL OVER THE HOUSE for your little one to find and plop back in only to shoot them all over again!? not fun. it is hidden in a closet far far away!
November 6th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
My son was given that stupid Learning Puppy and it drove me nuts. It really can’t be turned off. When a friend came over with a 6 month old that seemed to love it - I told them Great! We have too much stuff, take it home - Brandon doesn’t play with it anymore (haha!) They were actually leaving and I chased them down the street to give them the damn dog. Ahhh, sweet relief.
For Christmas this year, we’re going with a non-battery operated theme. We’ll see who actually sticks to the rules, but we’re trying.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
I too HATE those stupid balls! I would love to chuck it at the person who thought them up, must of been an man with NO children!
November 6th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
I was out shopping with my mom, and we saw that corn popper thing. I remember that we had one when I was a kid, but I thought it was kinda dumb and never played with it. My brother, though, apparently loved it - but only when my mom was on the phone.
November 6th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
My daughter has this Fisher Price “Pots and Pans” set that I fear will haunt me all the days of my life. It narrates along as she nests the different pans, all “RED PAN IN!” “BLUE PAN OUT!” REDPANINREDPANOUTBLUEPANIN. And so on.
Also, I must concur with Kat on that damned Ball Popper. Who needs a kid who throws shit when you can have a TOY that does it for you?
November 6th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
KATE. Sorry Kate.
November 6th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Tessie! ha very funny - i figured it out
also - i agree about the stupid puppy. we have that and there IS an off switch! if you go in the velcro where the battery is there is an ‘off’ so it wont make anymore noise! much more enjoyable!
also, i DO like the toys that have a ‘quiet’ and ‘loud’ setting - so much easier to handle beep zonk pow noises at lower decibles!
November 6th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
My one-year-old just got the Learning Puppy for his birthday. I accidentally left Learning puppy in my son’s crib the other night, and, when he was awakened by one of puppy’s random song routines, my husband returned to our bedroom clutching Learning Puppy and demanding, “What the freak IS this thing?”
Regrettable, that’s what.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
I have to agree with Kate…the Busy Ball Popper is the worst. We lost all of the balls within a week or two..my son has discovered that lots of other small things (including his arm) fits in there nicely. His arm came out…the other things did not.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:57 pm
I, like, FIFTH the Busy Ball Popper. The screams of joy mean it is still in the house–but it is LOUDER THAN A VACUUM CLEANER. Also, it came with 10 balls. Number I can find now, even after cleaning under ALL the furniture for a mother-in-law visit? One. Also-also, I have had to try to get foreign objects out of that thing’s intestines too many times.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
My BIL and SIL gave our toddler a Chicken Dance Elmo for Christmas last year. We’re waiting for them to reproduce so we can repay them for that one. It is VILE.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
My daughter’s first toy type present (from my father-in-law) was that learning puppy. It makes her smile, but I agree that it’s irritating. I’ve learned it has to be turned off (right foot) to not randomly talk, but all you have to do is touch the damn thing and it starts up again.
November 6th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
I swear if I step on one more Lego I’m going to (1) be lame; and (2) throw every one of them I can find in a sizzling frying pan for revenge.
I really like Legos and think they’re great for kids, but god are they ever hard on the feet, especially those stealthy tiny ones you can’t even see until you unembed it from your poor aching foot.
November 6th, 2007 at 10:09 pm
My son got a drum set for his first birthday, since he is still little it isn’t too annoying…. yet. The thing that drives me batty is his Air Table it is a table that blows air into tube toys(they spin and stuff with air in them) and sings LOUD songs. Rito loves it, me? Not so much. And I am the bastard that bought it.
November 7th, 2007 at 12:40 am
This is awesome. I’m totally printing out this list and saving it for our kid’s first birthday party. It will be included in all the invitations with a note: “Buy any one of these toys for my child and the only way you will see him/her for the rest of your life is on Flickr. Love, The Mom”
November 7th, 2007 at 1:56 am
Of the many, many reasons I hate the Playskool ball popper, the one I hate the most is the music coupled with the whirring sound of the motor. It’s like being at a circus in HELL.
Like several others I also loathe the Learning Puppy. “RED NOSE, ACHOO!!!” AAARRRHGGHH!!! My husband bought it for our son. Apparently the little guy laughed at the puppy in the store, so my husband bought it. What a sucker.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:49 am
I hate those balls so much, but I am not smart enough to give them away for some reason. I actually took one to the head yesterday from a fair distance. I did hate the corn popper until I figured out how to make Owen leave me alone when I vacuum, I keep it in the closet with the vacuum and he can pretend to vacuum while I am, it works out well. If he gets in my way I tell him there is a spot to get across the room. He has never gotten upset to put it back when we are finished either. Win win.
November 7th, 2007 at 3:53 am
I actually like this toy, but some people find the LeapFrog fridge farm irritating. Mine could be construed as extra irritating since mine has an English/Spanish switch. I love hearing it say “Soy Farmer Baby. Escucha mi banjo!” Payton will hit a button repeatedly so that it will go “Ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-yellow duck!” Then I call it the “Rapping Farmer Baby.”
November 7th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Oh, my. We received a Bob the Builder toy that HAS NO OFF SWITCH!!!! I was scared shitless on many a night by hearing “Can we fix it?” coming from the living room at all hours.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
When my son was little, someone got him a Big Bird that played peekaboo and this little piggy, etc. Wort. Toy. Ever. Because it said “peekaboo” every time you turned on a light. And when the sun got brighter. And during lightning. And TV brightness. And when someone past it. I can’t tell you how many times that thing scared the crap out of us.
For revenge, we took it to the gift-givers house and hid it in her dark bedroom so she’d get a surprise when she turned on the lights.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Home Depot makes a line of kids toys. My older brother felt that that my son really needed a weed wacker and a chain saw. They are INCREDIBLY loud and my husband wants to know what a toy chain saw teaches you? That if you grab the spinning blade it stops? In a sad turn of events one of the dogs stepped on the weed wacker and broke it.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Okay, I’m probably going to be vilified for this, but I loathe the Little People sets. They take up way too much room and there are pieces everywhere. My children don’t play with them either. My son who turned 2 this summer got 3 different (huge) sets at his party. When we got home and were unloading gifts into the house those 3 sets (mysteriously) ended up in the attic. The plan is to donate it to a kids’ charity for Christmas.
I will say that I do make a concession for the Little People nativity set. Ours is stored with our Christmas decorations, so the kids only see it once a year. I can handle it for the month of December especially since I’ve never mentioned to the kids that IF we were to put batteries in it, music would play!
November 7th, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Could LeapFrog’s Tad, the counting frog, be *any* louder? Seriously! And I made the mistake of getting Zoe Bedtime Dora (one of my Pampers Gifts to Grow “rewards”) - at one point in her speech, she hits this pitch that makes the paint peel off the walls.
But, I love my corn popper. If it weren’t for that thing, I would never get any vacuuming done - the only time she plays with it is when she’s “helping” me vacuum, thank goondess!
November 7th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
William’s cousins bought him the puppy dog, and is this cheesy to say - I like it because HE likes it.
November 7th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
OMG!! I HATE that ball popper contraption along with all the crap my kids have shoved inside it!! It only took 10 minutes for my older daughter to figure out that if you put it on its side you can shoot balls at things….
November 7th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
My son has all three of the toys you mentioned - plus the singing pots and pans that Tessie mentioned and the ball popper too! (We get all my friend’s kids’ outgrown toys… hooray.) I think I hate the pots and pans the most. That one my uncle gave to the boy.
Yeah, definitely going to request “no battery operated toys please” for Christmas this year.
November 7th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
My BIL & SIL gave my daughter a SpongeBob SquarePants musical book. It’s not terrible, but I did hide it for a while. And they’re due in February, so next Christmas is going to be sweet, sweet payback time…..
November 8th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
An unpopular choice, perhaps, but I HATE Mr Potato Head. Actually, I hate the whole Potato Head family. No idea why.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
I have the learning puppy and those darn balls for my son. I agree with you all. I also have the fun to learn potty from fisher price.
http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=2011&e=detail&selcat=bgpty&pid=34819
This thing is so loud an annoying, even worse when put in an echoy bathroom. My son was interested in sitting on it before I put batteries in it, but when I turned it on, he lost all interest for like 3 months all he wanted to do was play with it, instead of sitting on it. It’s a horrible “toy”. I wish I would have saved my money and bought a cheap no thrills potty for him, I would have saved 3 months of trying to teach him to use the potty.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Two words: Moon. Sand.
November 8th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
O- I have one that either nobody has or nobody hates, but it makes me jump out of my skin! It’s an elmo/cookie monster vacuum cleaner. It has a loose off switch on the bottom that seems to randomly turn itself on at the slightest vibration and God forbid if it’s left in the on position. It shouts “murrrr murrrrr,murrr, cleaning crew coming through, murrrr murrrr” in elmo’s voice! Then it switches to cookie monsters voice. It can be sitting still, untouched for an hour and then, out of no where, it starts up. It has made me drop drinks I was startled so badly! I really need to through it away….
November 8th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
We have all 3 mentioned in the article plus the ball popper Kate mentioned. Another annoyance in our house are the multiple Elmo’s. Our tickle me elmo may be possessed. I goes off when no one is around. It scared the bejezus out of me and my husband one night with it evil little laugh.
November 8th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
LMAO, these posts and the original blog have me in stitches. I do not like that dog either. And when it comes down to it, who the hell needs that many stuffed animals. I won’t give stuffed animals to my enemies let alone my friend’s kids. There is just no need for another giraffe or dog or cat that can’t be washed and is only played with for 30 seconds a year.
November 9th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
omg–u guys are sooo funny. I giggled all the way thru the posts. ANY toy that makes noise ‘breaks’ in my house. Like the kids don’t know how to make noise on their own?? And the stuffed animals..I think they’re breeding. There’s some in there that I swear were made by no man, woman or child. I always picture the toy designers laughing evilly in some conference room at us all!!