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There are times when I wonder if I’m doing this whole mom thing right. But then I stop to think and subsequently give myself a good bitch-slap. There is no “right” way to parent, right?
A recent MSNBC article got me thinking about this topic. As the story states,
In the aftermath of the high-profile arrest of the Illinois mom who left her napping toddler in a car parked outside a Wal-Mart while she donated change out front (charges were later dropped), parents are left wondering whether their own small misdeeds could land them a nasty scolding from a meddling busybody — or even a charge of neglectful parenting by the authorities.
Since I became a mother, I have created certain lifestyle choices that I try to obey. But what holds me together as a mom of a toddler is my own personal mantra: there are absolutely no rules to parenting. No matter what the busybodies and even the experts think.
I’m not talking about the basic covenants of being a parent, of course, like, “we do not abuse nor neglect our children.” Rather, what I take issue with are the little things that we may do as mothers or fathers to get by. To make our lives just a little bit easier. Like last week, when I left my son parked outside in my locked car while I ran into get the dry cleaning. I made sure I got a spot where I could see him from inside the store and kept looking back to the car every five seconds to ensure that the bogeyman wouldn’t snatch him away. I guess you could tell I was nervous about doing this, because after 30 seconds, the owner’s husband went outside to keep a watchful eye while I paid for our cleaning. He must have been nervous too.
It’s easy to get ourselves in a tizzy by pushing supposed parental boundaries just a bit. In this particular instance, I weighed my options: unbuckle all 30 pounds of my son to walk 20 feet to the store to get the cleaning or let him sit in peace in his seat with his blankie. For the five minutes total it took to handle my dry cleaning errand, the answer was clear to me - I didn’t think he’d undergo that much bodily harm by being locked in the car for a few minutes.
But why do we get so nervous about seemingly rational decisions?
Because we’re humans who read too much information from parenting experts who say out loud our greatest fears. Who wouldn’t be scared to disobey simple “rules” of parenting after reading this from Kimberly Thompson, an associate professor of risk analysis and decision science at Harvard’s School of Public Health and director of the KidsRisk Project, which analyzes risks to children’s health and researches strategies to reduce them.
“People have to understand, it’s a conscious decision. Every time you do something, like leaving a child alone in a bathtub, you are making a choice, and you won’t know what the consequences will be,” Thompson says. “Can you live with the uncertainty of the potentially bad outcome?”
I think any parent who makes a slightly edgy parenting decision absolutely considers the “bad outcome scenario.” Since the day I birthed my blessed son into this world not a moment goes by where I don’t worry about all the potentially bad things that can happen to him. I still managed to go to work and leave him with a caretaker other than myself like many of us do. I still let him have candy and sugar among other things. He survived.
If I gave in every time to the so-called “rules” and worst-case scenarios all the time, I probably would have ended up in a house filled with hand santizer married to a childproofer.
“Bad” parenting decisions are all relative in my opinion. Some may think I’m crazy for leaving my kid in the car, while others may agree that it wasn’t that big of a deal. The way I look at it, if I need to skirt what others think is the “right” way to parent every once in awhile to save some time, or the muscles in my back, I will do it.
Would you? Or do you all follow the “rules” all the time?
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 17th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under raising baby. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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April 17th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I´m definitely not a rule follower and I agree with you that we do consider the risks. Which is why you were looking out the window every five seconds . . . a bad parent would have just left their kid while they ran errands and not thought twice about it.
I stress a lot about this stuff. But in the end, sometimes you have to go against the stoic advice to make things work. Like when both my boys are in the tub and one of them completely flips out and is about to drown his brother, I take that one out and dry him, dress him and put him to bed . . . while the other is still in the tub. Which is a big no-no, but I have a baby tub in my living room, so I can pop out and see them. And I call to them every few seconds and they answer, so I know their head isn´t underwater!
Does that make me a bad mom? I don´t think so. I think it makes me a mom who cares about her kids, but also adjusts to make life with two tiny kids work.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Is it even possible to follow the “rules” ALL the time?! Parenting is hard enough without having all of the watchdogs out there poking around to see if I’m doing it “right.” All the rules are making it nearly impossible to raise strong, healthy, confident kids. The limits on our ability to discipline our kids is making for a society of kids out of control , and the fact that I am not “allowed” to let my kids out of my sight prevents them from gaining the confidence they need to go out into the world as strong, secure adults. My ways my not make it into any of today’s parenting books, but my kids are polite, intelligent, happy and confident, so I am happy with the job I’m doing - even if I’ve had to break a few “rules” (yes, I’ve left them in the car in front of the dry cleaners too) to help them to be that way.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I’m more worried about others calling DCFS or the police then something bad happening to my daughter when I leave her in the car for a second or whatnot. I weigh the risks….go inside to pay for gas or drag the kid out in the cold & snow for 1 minute?
April 17th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
I think that if you try to protect your children from everything by sheltering them every second of their lives, they will never learn to live or think for themselves. Of course every decision I make depends on which child I am dealing with.
My oldest son has always cautious and he’s a real thinker. I used to leave him in the car from the time he was 4 with his little sister while I ran in and paid for gas (in full view of the car of course.) I taught him to lock the doors behind me and not to unlock them for anyone but me and to honk the horn if anyone touched the car, even in uniform. He is 14 and that rule still applies. His sister on the other hand just started to be allowed to wait in the car this year and she is 12. She doesn’t know the meaning of stranger and doesn’t think well on her feet.
I mean, at this point I trust my 8 yr old at home alone after school over my 12 year old.
Of course this is just an example of how I don’t follow the rules. My philosophy is the same for most things in our lives. It’s common sense and maternal instinct.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I DO NOT FOLLOW the RuLeS! But I do work full time, and so I have a bit of a juggle. There have been times when I have popped a lolly in one of my kids lips when I was on a biz call. Not ideal, but sometimes necessary! I now have an au pair and I am trying to teach her the fine line of what is ok and what isn’t. What is ok for me to break, is hard to explain to her — she didn’t even want me to let the baby cry herself to sleep. Why not rock her she said? LONG STORY
April 18th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
The rules change when you have a child with a disability. Some are stricter; some are thrown out the window. Realistic parents don’t kick themselves for being human.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
I’ve thought about this a lot. I agree with Veronica. With my first child, I agonized over it but always ended up getting my son out of the car and dragging him with me. When I had my daughter 17 months later, I weighed the two choices rationally: Option One — unbuckle both kids, waking up one or both in the process, get the baby and the toddler out of the car, carry them both across a parking lot, somehow open the door to the dry cleaners with a kid in each arm, do my best to pay for and pick up or drop off my clothes while keeping track of or trying to carry both kids at the same time, then drag them and the clean clothes back aross the parking lot (watching for cars and distracted drivers), pray I don’t drop kid, clothes, snack or toy kid has brought with him, get kids back into the car, and strap them both back into their car seats– a 20 minute process. Or Option Two, run into dry cleaners leaving them comfortably and safely strapped into their car seats in a locked car that I can see at all times — a 5 minute process. Besides the fact that I save 15 minutes and my sanity with the second option, the first option is realistically and probably statistically more dangerous. Anytime I did this, I thought - I dare someone to approach me and question my parenting choices , I will show them! …. No one ever did of course.
April 19th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I hate that society has come to a point where we have to worry about the “rules” more because of what others will think than for any other reason. I have that dry cleaning/leave the kid in the car dilemma (well, used to, now I just use a service that delivers). One time, I left him in, when it was raining, parked right outside, kept standing with my back to the dry cleaner as he ran my credit card, etc. I was so nervous! Yesterday, I had to go to the drug store to pick up medication. My son said please leave me in the car - he felt awful. I weighed the options, then went home, dropped him off with his father, and then went back to the store. I know I don’t always follow the rules, but I ALWAYS put my son’s well-being first. I dare anyone to say anything to me suggesting otherwise.
April 19th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Well ladies I’ve had cancer and it completely sucks. However, it has changed the way I see some things. I don’t care at all if people approve of my parenting. Yes I leave my kids in the car if I’m running in for something quick. I also let them play outside, get dirty and don’t shower them with sanitizer when the walk in the door. And on top of all of that, if someone else’s child is being horrible or putting themselves or others in danger I discipline them too. I keep expecting the Mom police to come and take back my credentials but no sign of them yet.
April 20th, 2008 at 10:51 am
My friends always laugh at me but I really do love going to people’s house where their kids act out or as some people would say.,..act normally. I sometimes shut myself into this small area where I think I’m an awful mother because my daughter can’t raise her hand in school and just shouts out the answer…or that my daughter grabs her toys away and says MINE even when she’s 4….but when I visit other people’s houses…and their kids act the same way..it helps me realize how normal I really am…and how those “perfect” moms…are lying. That’s how this article made me feel…like maybe I wasn’t this monster mom just because I’d leave Isabelle in the car with the doors locked while I ran into the gym (that has big front windows) to drop off something to my friend that works there. Isabelle knows she’s safe….she’s listening to the music I’ve left on in the car…she’s fine….but there is that slight twinge in me that makes me second guess myself…EVERY time!!! Thanks for this article!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 pm
All I can say is that the word “Ferberizing” comes to mind. What was I thinking?
My Mom lived far away and the only help I had was a nanny that I hired through www.gonannies.com. It ended up being a great thing and she enouraged me to throw out some of the trendy rules of the day.
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:49 am
I once took my tots on an outing and decided to pop into a coffee shop to get a drink for me and muffins for them. There were four of them, all strapped into a long, four-seater stroller. A stroller which was so long, it would not fit into the tiny coffee shop.
So, I set both brakes and left them outside, each strapped in with a snug, five-point harness. This particular shop had floor-to-ceiling plate glass windows and I was never more than 8 feet away from them, with a clear view. There were two people ahead of me. I stood backward in the line, so I could see the children at all times. The barrista had to tap me on the shoulder when it was my turn.
And yet still, someone (she was about 19) advised me that it was “unsafe” to leave the kids “alone” like that. I assured her that I’d been doing this for 10 years and hadn’t lost one yet!
That was three or four years ago, though, and I have never done that again: Just can’t risk some self-righteous busybody taking some sort of “action” and jeopardizing my livelihood.
But really: two brakes, stroller on a flat surface, five-point harnesses, in full view of me at all times, within 8 feet of me and a sturdy iron fence between them and the road — what on earth did she imagine was going to happen?
April 24th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I’ve been breaking some “rules” lately myself. I recently figured out that I’m far less stressed out if I feed dinner to my kids (ages 1 and 6) separately than try to have dinner all together, as experts often emphasize as being so important. Dinner time is the most stressful time of my day. I pick up both kids at two different locations, and usually have them fed before my husband is even home from work. I find that things go much more smoothly if I feed the baby dinner at home, then go pick up my older child and give him dinner. I get one-on-one time with each kid, and don’t have one screaming and whining while I take care of the other - talk about stress relief! It takes longer, but I clean up as I go and I feel so much more energetic afterwards.
Bottom line is, we get this blanket type of advice from these childcare “experts”, that really doesn’t fit every age group or situation. I really need to use my common sense more and forget most of what I’ve read.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
OMG. This is so great to read about! I am emboldened by all of you. I have twins, and most weekends I’m home alone. This means I don’t run errands on the weekends, for the most part!!
I tried the dry cleaner thing once… got the double stroller out of the SUV. Got one kid buckled into the stroller after she kicked, wailed and bucked because she wanted to walk instead. Got second kid into stroller with same problem. Walked the 10 feet to the dry cleaner’s door. Wrestled my way through the non-automatic door with my double stroller and screaming kids. Dropped the dry cleaning off. Then had to reverse the whole process to get them back in the car… I went home and didn’t leave the house for the rest of the weekend!!
I have SO thought about that whole dry cleaning issue–park directly in front and watch the whole time….
At any rate, you all give me hope. Thanks for giving me another thought through this thing.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
I just had this debate with my husband the other day. I was trying to explain why it was easier for him to drop off his dry cleaning, even though I don’t work, because I have three kids under 6 with me everywhere I go. I told him it’s either the kids or the laundry - I just can’t carry both…
April 24th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
It’s a great debate! I could care less what other people think. (well - the type of people that would comment about things like this, anyway). I’m pretty neurotic by nature - and ever since my 4 year old son was born, and I had a mom dilemma - I ask myself one question:
If something unthinkable happened, and it was my husband in the situation, would I ever forgive him?
Putting it that way really does keep me from leaving him in the car to run in, or when he turned 1 but wasn’t heavy enough, not turning the car seat, etc…I put it into a different scenario of someone else with my child…could I be okay with their decision? Like - the Walmart mom - I completely understand, 100%. No judgment, no nothing. But..if it had been my husband, with my child…and he wasn’t recovered - could I ever get over blaming my husband for the preventable situation?
It’s a completely inconvenient way to live for me, but it’s the way I have to live, because the alternative of the lifetime grief and guilt isn’t worth it.
That’s why I now worship the woman in my town that opened up a drive through grocery store (for this exact reason, mind you - the mom dilemma). I love her and plan to include her in my will!
May 8th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
I have left my sleeping son in the car while I bought a cell phone, picked up some milk, dropped off mail, etc. I have always been able to see him and he was safely locked in his cars eat in the locked car. Some times we have to take the risks for an easier and happier life. Of course now that he’s almost 2, I haven’t done this in a while. He’s too curious and quick.
I don’t worry about rules so much as about common sense and instinct.