Welcome to the new and refreshed Work It, Mom!. If you're an existing member you'll notice that some things have changed but we hope it's all for the better.
As with all new things, we're bound to run into some issues but trust that we're working on them! We'd love to hear your feedback.
Single Mom at Work
with Kristin Darguzas
I am a single Mother to my three year old son: a Hot Wheels expert, culinary failure, focused career woman and earnest student at the School of Motherhood. My work as a digital advertising executive is equal parts demanding and rewarding, and amidst business travel, home life, and tentative social baby steps - I am constantly striving to find a comfortable balance.
I’m wearing my green knit hat, which is an excellent sign that I wasn’t able to make it in the shower that morning. My son’s lunch kit contains Alphagetti, of which I’m not proud, and a small green salad with chopped nuts and tomatoes, with which I am rather pleased.
We step in from the rain and into the pleasant clamor of his daycare, and I kneel down to pull of his boots and grope for his indoor shoes.
“Hi Nolan,” smiles the Director of the daycare, walking by with an armful of construction paper,”Are we going to make your Mom a painting today?”
“Mmm, no,” he says, and leans into my legs and I sigh, bracing myself for The Cry.
“I would sure like a painting for the fridge,” I say, stroking his hair.
“Oh — Kristin — I meant to ask you.”She is efficient now, all business.”Can you bring in a family photo?” She gestures to a wall I’ve never noticed before, covered with the children of the daycare, all of them with their Moms and Dads. Some of them smile next to small siblings. I gulp, but a rock has formed in my throat.
“Uh, sure,”I say quickly, and lean down quickly to kiss my son’s head,”Mommy has to go, Nolan.”
***
On the drive home I think how I will superimpose a photo together: my exes head next to a photo of my son and I. I’ll create something polished, maybe, with photoshop and editing smoke and mirrors, so Nolan won’t feel like he is the only one. So no one feels sorry for him. I have learned in my year and a half as a single Mother that the only emotion more painful than anger is pity.
My jaded side knows he won’t be the only one, in a few years, but for now he is so young, and the families of his mates are all intact. I still don’t know what I’m going to do: not bring a picture, bring two separate pictures, bring a very old photo, or pose for an Awkward Fake Family Photo at the Awkward Birthday Party this weekend? Single Motherhood can be rich and wonderful and soul-plumbing, but man, there are a lot of irritating pot holes.
I understand how you feel. I’m a single mom too and felt that way for the first year. Now I’m proud of my family that’s comprised of only me and Ben. Our “family photo” has only 2 faces but an amazing amount of love.
Erica | August 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
I read once that it is important for babies/children to see pictures of themselves with the people they love. It makes them feel important, to see themselves with the people who are so special to them. Not everyone’s family is the same. I think that bringing several photos that show all the special people in your son’s life, the village that comprises his family, would be wonderful for him to see every day at school, when he is away from them. Maybe even select a bunch of photos and ask him to pick out the ones he wants to see.
laura | August 22nd, 2008 at 11:31 am
Take in two photos. Or one without the ex. Embrace your situation. My kids live in two homes and they’ve done double photos and pics for years through daycare and school. Why will anyone feel sorry for your son if his pic doesn’t have a mom and a dad? It is what it is. The important thing is if he’s happy and healthy and loved.
dadshouse | August 22nd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
i think the birthday party is a great idea - you have LOTS of family coming right? and it’s a FAMILY photo? why does it just have to be parents? Give them a pic with grandparents and aunts and uncles etc.
Kate | August 22nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
The photo at the birthday party doesn’t have to be awkward… If your ex is as passionate about your boy as you are, he’ll be totally willing to take a snap of the three of you together, without the three of you having to pretend to be together, if you know what I mean. Think of it as a picture of Nolan and his Mum and Dad — not a picture of a pretend “intact” family.
Lylah | August 22nd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Don’t worry about Nolan. The other children won’t feel sorry for him unless he does. Really, the children to pity are the ones living under the roof of a bad marriage. Sounds like you’re doing a great job.
Lawyer Mom Leigh | August 24th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I agree with Lylah, this is a picture for your son. I am sure that he would love to have a picture of himself with the two most important people in his life at daycare.
I am a single parent of almost 3 year old twins. My kids love all of the pictures that they have with their Dad, their Mom and all of us together. They are so interested in the pictures that I am having a photo book made for each of them as a birthday gift.
Good luck with however you decide to address the situation. I know being a single parent is difficult.
gbtwinsmommy | August 24th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
I agree with Kate’s suggestion. Avoid the awkwardness of asking your ex to pose for an “intact” family photo and say you need everyone to pose for a family photo.
You avoid the awkward social situation and there’s no pity for Nolan. There might even be jealousy that Nolan has so many people who care about him.
Be sure to put Nolan front and center or right smack dab in the middle. That way, it’s all about him and he feels incredibly special.
Cheryl | August 25th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I completely understand how you feel. for me it was father’s day that really crushed me. My old daycare knows my situation, that my daughter’s ’sperm donor’ is not in her life, so they made me a gift for father’s day when all the other kids made one for their dads….when i picked her up that day the teacher explained that this was a father’s day gift for mommy. Another kid overheard and asked ‘why didn’t Nevaeh make a present for her daddy’. I could literally feel my heart breaking.
Her new daycare was not aware of my situation so every now and then on a Monday morning the teacher would innocently ask ‘did you have a fun weekend with mom and dad?’
It’s really hard, and I did end up breaking down and explaining that it was just my daughter and I, and I would appreciate them not bring up ‘daddy’ to her. I’m hoping to wait a couple more years before having to explain to my daughter why all the other kids have a father and she doesn’t. =’( my heart goes out to you kristen.
Miranda | September 1st, 2008 at 12:23 pm