As a follow up to what our dreams are, career and otherwise, there’s a follow up question I’ve been kicking around: What’s holding you back from realizing your dreams, and achieving your goals?
I think in in the overwhelming majority of cases, problems don’t arise from external obstacles but from fear. A while ago I was reading the “10 Money Questions” feature at Blogher, and was struck by a comment that Dayana Yochim made about women’s attitudes toward making investments and accumulating wealth. She said that women are often more risk averse, and their decisions are filtered through fear.
I know that’s true in my own case. I have a couple of messages that snake through my brain. Much of the time, they’re not even fully articulated thoughts, but they’re still prevalent– and possibly even more powerful since they’re not always articulated, because it makes them harder to identify.
The first one is, “it’s too hard.” You would be amazed at the things I think are “too hard.” Some are really basic things, you probably don’t even think twice about. And in a small way, it’s true– because of my family situation growing up, I missed out on learning some basic things. But in the present context, it’s not true, I’m certainly capable of learning and changing. Sometimes “it’s too hard” is just a cover for my laziness, or a reaction to feeling overwhelmed. So maybe whenever I’m feeling lazy, or overwhelmed, or at a disadvantage, I’ll say, “it’s a piece of cake!”
The other thing I tell myself is, “I don’t want to be pushy.” Dear sweet Moses, how I hate the idea of promoting myself, inconveniencing anyone, imposing, or pretty much asking anything of anyone, ever. Recently I had some dental work done, and some resulting pain that was… not fun. It went on longer than I thought it should have, and finally, I called the doctor to let him know. He said they used clove oil which bothered a lot of patients gums, and said he’d call in a prescription. When I asked why he didn’t let me know it might be a problem (and believe me, that was not an easy question to ask) he said, most patients call to let him know right away. Oh yeah, most people? When they’re in pain? Call the doctor. Doh! I haven’t found a way to relieve the pain of asking for things, I just have to push through and do it anyway.
What’s holding you back?
Oh, boy, how I can relate. And it’s funny, because many people who meet me think I am all about being outgoing and getting what I want. And often I do, but so many times in my life I push through the pain, as you say, or give myself a crazy headache as I anxiously work up the guts to go and ask for something. Once I got a massage - and the guy was pushing on a nerve or something in my leg that was killing me. I didn’t say a word - I didn’t want to impose on him, make him feel bad. I know it sounds ridiculous, but true.
The funny thing with me is that professionally, I have pushed and asked and gotten things. I don’t see it as imposing, I see it as something well, I have to do for my career. But I remember the first time I went into to negotiate for a raise - I was sweating bullets. Once I did it, it got easier to do it again.
Nataly | November 26th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
I have a ton of career dreams and they’re all just simmering in my head. I make lists, find resources on line, analyze potential competitors within each of my areas of interest…I’ll do this for months. But nothing ever comes of it. I hold myself back. I over-inform myself and paralyze myself with options. Which would be most profitable? Which would make me happiest? Can I really, “Just do it?” I never worry about failure because that I can deal with. It’s the financial aspect that I, or rather my family, can’t handle. So maybe it’s not just over-informing myself, but fear of financial loss that hinders me. My career dreams are ones that I hold because I want to be happy professionally and earn a more than decent living. I don’t know (yet) how to make the leap from a secure job to one that may not allow my family to make ends meet.
For now, I’m just working on picking one of my dreams to flesh out and really go after. I’ll worry about failure once I actually choose something to potentially fail at!
Carla | November 27th, 2007 at 2:12 am
oh the hardest thing is to just force yourself to say ANYTHING and then be heard for two reasons.
one, it’s hard to get your voice out there because then you have to hear yourself and you are your own worst critic,
and then two, someone might actually HEAR YOU! and then what?
People meet me and think i am outgoing and entertaining - i have even had people tell me i should do more presentations because i am ‘fun to watch’ HAHAHA! i am so shy it is painful. presentations are HARD - i often forget to breath and run out of air because i am so nervous. perhaps that is entertaining? LOL!
really Nataly is right - you have to focus on the end result you want and push through the crap you have to do to get there.
Part of what helps me is that i just assume everyone is as shy and it will make the other person feel more relaxed and comfortable by reaching out first to shake hands and introduce myself.
it is amazing how hard it is to ask for what we want and then how easy (sometimes!) it is to get it when you finally DO ask! even if you dont get exactly what you set out for, it gets you closer and you get practice for next time!
Kate | November 28th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
What holds me back?
Fear: I am INTIMIDATED by this. Can I do it? Can I survive? Am I organized enough? What will I give up to get it? Will I get there and discover it wasn’t worth it? On and on it goes, until I’m paralyzed.
Inertia: probably mostly caused by Fear. I do procrastinate, and I’m very forgetful, but mostly I procrastinate when the thing I’m considering intimidates me.
Money: I can’t step out and just DO what I want, because we need my current income. So I have to try to do both at once, which bring me back to Fear. Can I do it? Can I keep it up for long enough? I don’t have as much energy as I did 20 years ago. Will I crash and burn from sheer exhaustion before I get where I want to be?
So, yeah. I think it all pretty much boils down to fear. But I’m doing it anyway! Even though most days I have to really PUSH myself to do the next thing.
MaryP | November 29th, 2007 at 12:29 pm