Last week I crossed the rickety wooden bridge strung between two cliffs. I turned down work. It sounds daring, but really it was a no-brainer. A while back I had a “client.” (And I use the term loosely. In place of client, fill in your favorite noun swear word. It’s like Mad Libs!)

When I do a design for someone, after I complete the initial design there’s generally a lot of back and forth emails as we collaborate on changes. So this client and I are working through these changes, and the emails stop. After a couple of days I re-send my suggestions, and let him know I’m ready to finish tweaking it, he emails me back, says he’s busy, and he’ll get to it next week.

Fine, no worries I have other projects to work on. Ten days later I email him again, and he says blah blah blah, discontinuing project. No problem, my contract states that if you cancel mid-project, I bill you for hours worked to that point. I send an invoice, and wait.

Well, you know how the story ends.

So last week I get an email.

Long time no see! Let’s finish project!

Hi! You owe me money! Please pay now!

No problem! Let’s finish! I’ll pay a lump sum at the end!

Hi! You owe me money! Please pay now!

Yes! Later!

Wow! I’m all booked up!

Actually I’m surprised the guy contacted me again. The audacity of some people amaze me. Now I’m pondering small claims court all over again.

I’m taking 2 classes this semester at a community college in order to expand my business to include web design. I love school. I love walking around on campus, especially during fall when the leaves start to change and the days are cooler. I love sitting in the classroom and interacting with other students. I love teachers, and white boards, and learning new stuff. I haven’t taken a class in about 8 years, so I should be really excited.

I should be.

I missed the first week of classes because I was out of town. I emailed my professors, and one of them told me it was no biggie, we’d be covering XYZ. The other one has me completely confused. He’s posting all assignments and other communication on the college intranet, okay, fine. But we’re having a quiz on Tuesday– as in tomorrow– and I can find neither hide nor hair of any actual assignments. What can he possibly be quizzing us on, personal hygiene?

The school intranet is totally NOT USER FRIENDLY, and I cannot figure out how I’m supposed to post my assignments, or if a “module” means “class” or half of the other jargon. Also I conveniently forgot that when you take a class it’s customary to BUY THE BOOKS. Um, yeah, so I have neither the books nor the software these classes require. Not to mention I’m sure to be twice as old and twice as fat at most of my classmates. Not that that it’s a major concern, but it’s just one more thing to make me feel alienated. I don’t know where to park, or where my classes are, and in general I just feel like a HUGE GOOBER.

I’m sooo tempted just to drop out and get my money back, and try again in the Spring. But my husband says I need to just suit up and show up, and I’ll figure out what’s going on soon enough. Ever have those dreams where you show up to school naked? Yeah I feel just like that. And you can be sure that tomorrow before I leave the house? I’m double checking to make sure I’ve got pants on.

When I’m consulting with a client, there are standard questions I ask, and routine information I supply. I enjoy these exchanges. I like finding out precisely what my client wants, and letting them know what my process is. But. There are certain phrases I dread. These phrases consist of words. Words I have to form with my mouth. These phrases make my tongue swell to 3 times its size; they make the roof of my mouth feel like it’s coated with wallpaper paste.

1. “Hannya fubllt grrlbt” Translation: “My hourly rate is $XX.” My knees get weak. My stomach does flip-flops. I want to blurt something– anything, just to divert the client’s attention from the dollar figure I just quoted. “My hourly rate is $XX. WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE I RAN NAKED THROUGH THE QUAD IN JANUARY.” Yet somehow, I manage to pull it off with aplomb. (Okay, I might have to clear my throat a little to keep my voice from quavering; I like to quote my rate via email, if possible)

Look, I did my homework; I know what graphic designers charge, and I know how much money I need to make a living. I know what the hourly rate is in my particular geographic location, and what designers charge for certain kinds of work. My fee is perfectly reasonable. In fact, I’m the only person who thinks I’ve got some nerve charging people such outrageous prices.

2. “Mmmr fft brabbl” Translation: “Wow, I’d love to help you out, but I don’t currently offer that service.” When I’m talking with a client, I want to say yes to everything. Yes, I can have the job done tomorrow! Yes, I can redo that design for the 4^th time, and add dancing bananas! Yes I will pick up your dry cleaning!

I’m good at going the “extra mile.” I’m great at listening to a client’s wants and needs. I’m even pretty good at doing stuff I don’t know how to do. But there are certain things that I can’t do—yet, and can’t fudge, like JavaScript, and I don’t want to spend a lot of un-billable hours climbing a steep learning curve. I recognize there are gaps in my skills, and I am taking classes to rectify those, but for now, I have to admit some things are beyond my level of expertise. I don’t do my clients or myself any favors by pretending to be something I’m not.

What do you hate to tell a client/coworker/boss?

A few weeks ago our family went to the Louisville Zoo. After taking out a second mortgage at the gate, we enjoyed an afternoon of walking around in 374% humidity, and looking at the animals. One animal that fascinated me was the Wooly Monkey. They performed amazing feats of daring-do on the ropes that crisscrossed their pen. They were so graceful, such effortless climbers. Around the perimeter was a wide cement trench filled with about a foot of water. On the other side of the trench was a 3 foot fence (which they could have easily scaled), and beyond it lay freedom!

12 inches of water. That’s all that prevented those little furballs from hightailing it to the airport. Apparently Wooly Monkeys are deathly afraid of water, or else they really, really hate to get their feet wet, because not one of them tried to escape. I kept waiting for one of them to stand on the edge, look down at his reflection, and then look out at the people with an expression that said, “Tonight, when you suckers are gone, I’m busting outta this joint.”

They stay in the refuge of the familiar, rather than take a risk, because they have no idea what lies beyond that fence. Which made me go, hmmm, sometimes that’s how I feel about starting my own business. Of course, what lies beyond the fence is a swift net, and a tranquilizer gun, so, you know, the metaphor does break down.

These days I’m of two minds. The first mind thinks, “Wow, this is so cool. I’m doing what I love, and getting paid for it.” The other mind thinks, “What in the hell am I doing? Starting a company in a field in which I have no formal training, no professional experience, and no contacts, that’s what. Who do I think I am, Gertrude Ederle?” Shut up, other mind, because I have a good eye for design, a good head for business, and good hair for ripping out (that’ll come in handy later, I’m sure).

I could easily hole up in my vine-filled habitat. I’m definitely not a Type-A. And sometimes the thought of taking this on, quite frankly, scares the crap out of me. But the bigger part of me wants to see what’s out there, wants see if I can do it. I’m kind of jaded when it comes to all that Oprah “open yourself to the universe blah-de-blah.” I figure if the universe wants to find me, it knows where I live. But there is an aspect to doing something like starting your own business (or changing fields, or landing a promotion, etc.) where you have to visualize your success. And I can see it. I can see myself landing bids, and creating great designs, and making a good living.

“Ssssh,” my other mind hisses. “Don’t tell the whole internet you think you’re going to be a success! You’re jinxing yourself, not to mention sounding a little too big for your britches.” But I can’t help it, in fact, I may as well confess, it makes me giggle inside to think of it. What are you visualizing these days?

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Related links: women are risk-averse– no, no, women are natural risk takers

Long ago, and far away, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, I taught elementary school. Then I had a baby, the end. The end of my teaching career, that is. I gave birth to my oldest daughter, Emily, at the tail end of the school year. I loved teaching, and planned to return to school the following fall after she was born. Funny how actually having a child changes your ideas about parenting.

I couldn’t bring myself to leave her with a nanny, or in daycare, and we had no family in the area. But I wasn’t feeling rainbows-and-kittens about staying home either. So, Aaron (my husband) and I batted around the idea of him staying home which, fabulous father that he is, he would’ve done. But his salary ran circles around my salary. Actually his salary ran circles around it, and then beat it up in the parking lot. So, we felt fortunate that my husband’s salary could cover the bills, he went trotting off to work, and I stayed home. Nine years and three kids later, my youngest will be starting school next year, and I’m launching my own business. (And you can say that in your best Pride of the Yankees voice, “Launching aunching aunching my own own own business isness isness…” Really, it doesn’t work nearly as well in print as it does in my head.)

I’m starting a graphic design firm. (Firm, ha! Isn’t that cute? A firm of one.) It’s a business which developed from my blog. I started designing banners for my blog; it got so I was changing my banner about every 5 minutes, and then other people started asking me to design banners for them too. So I did, and it was fun! After a while I said, “Hey! I bet people would pay money for these banner thingies.” This year I got really busy with other stuff. I still enjoyed designing banners, but I just didn’t have time. So I raised my fee, to slow down business, and make it worth my while, and people hired me anyway (insert the kaboom of my mind blowing here). To make a long story short, I decided that if I expanded my services to include menus, brochures, branding, etc., (and some copy writing too), I could actually make a living at it.

Freelancing is definitely the best path for me because:

1. My resume sucks. “Yes Mr. Interviewer, I, um, taught school for 6 years about 10 years ago, but I’m looking for a job in another field now, plus I have no formal training! I want a decent wage, but I can only work during the hours my kids are in school. When do I start?!”
2. I want to be able to volunteer in my kids’ classrooms, and I want to be home when my kids come home from school.
3. I loved teaching, but there’s too much work to bring home. So I’m starting a business at home, where I can work from exactly 7-3. Hahahaha! I kill me.
4. I love graphic design. I think it will pay a decent wage (because I plan to charge a decent fee), and I think I’m good at it.
5. I can quit my very dull night/weekend retail job, which I was going to quit anyway, but having a #5 gives the list more substance.

Right now I’m in the “research and development” phase. Building a website, designing a logo, researching taxes and legal issues, putting together a portfolio, figuring out what to charge, scoping out my community for potential work, etc., etc., etc. At this point my To Do list is so long, I wonder if I’ll ever get to the “land a bid and get paid” phase. But I’m really excited about this new venture. I feel like Lewis and Clark! You know, without the ticks, and blisters.