This year was the first year our Christmas picture wasn’t a hassle. Getting three kids to sit still, look at the camera, and smile– it’s a little like giving ferrets crack, and then teaching them how to eat with a fork. It usually ends up with about 18,000 unusable photos and me yelling SMILE G*D DAMMIT! Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too. But this year was different. The point of the Christmas picture is to have a good memory, and to get the darn thing done. So we dressed the kids up, went to the mall where they give carriage rides, I yelled smile (in a nice way) and snapped a few pics. No, they’re not great photos, but the goal was accomplished.

Last week I poured over recipes, trying to decide what kind of goodies I would send out with our Christmas picture. I decided I would make four different kinds of cookies. But then I thought about how much time it would take to make four different kinds of cookies, when I already have to make cookies for two school parties, etcetera, ad nauseum– not to mention how quickly those expensive ingredients add up to real money. I quickly down shifted into making popcorn for everyone. It’s easy, it’s lighter than most homemade sweets, and the point is to send people something homemade, not to get all Martha Stewart.

The same with finding the perfect holiday outfit for my husband’s company Christmas party. I hate to shop, I especially hate to shop for clothes. The internet does make it a bit easier, but I’m not going to spend two hours combing Zappos for the perfect pair of holiday shoes, when I have a perfectly good pair in my closet. For other women, putting together is an outfit an art form, I don’t begrudge them that, I’ll be the first one to tell them that their shoes are fabulous. But for me the point of a company Christmas party is to get to know people, and have a kid free evening.

The same is true for work. In graphic design, as in writing, photography and a lot of other creative free-lance jobs, the tweaking can go on FOREVER. Tweaking no one on God’s green earth will notice, except me. Little details, and changes will eat up a whole evening if I let it. I want to do good work, but the point of freelancing is to give me flexibility to spend time at home with my family, not redo a brochure for the umpteenth time, while they’re outside having a snowball fight.

What strategies are you using to make the holidays less stressful?

On Mondays and Fridays Will, my 5 year old is home with me in the mornings, and trying to get work done while helping him entertain himself has been a bit of a challenge. I still haven’t hired a mother’s helper yet (I know!). I have allowed him to watch an extra show in the morning, which buys me an hour, but the rest of the time, I don’t have the TV to babysit him anymore. Here are a few things I’ve found that keep Will occupied.

• Michaels has some kids crafts that are only a dollar, and they can keep him occupied for about 20 minutes.
• The bath tub. Will loves to play in the tub. Of course this suggestion won’t work for younger kids, but if your child is old enough to spend a few minutes alone in the tub, it can be a life saver, especially during a conference call!
• Pouring some flour on a baking sheet, and letting him draw. Yes, it’s messy, but it does keep him occupied for a long time. Especially if I have him practice printing the alphabet.
• Coloring books, the old standby! He can do his work, while I do mine..
• Playdough, another old standby.
• Kids books on tape. He loves listening to the stories, and to save money, I check them out of the library. You can also pick up used ones at garage sales, or on eBay

Do you have to work with little ones around? How do you keep them entertained?

I think in in the overwhelming majority of cases, problems don’t arise from external obstacles but from fear. A while ago I was reading the “10 Money Questions” feature at Blogher, and was struck by a comment that Dayana Yochim made about women’s attitudes toward making investments and accumulating wealth. She said that women are often more risk averse, and their decisions are filtered through fear.

I know that’s true in my own case. I have a couple of messages that snake through my brain. Much of the time, they’re not even fully articulated thoughts, but they’re still prevalent– and possibly even more powerful since they’re not always articulated, because it makes them harder to identify.

The first one is, “it’s too hard.” You would be amazed at the things I think are “too hard.” Some are really basic things, you probably don’t even think twice about. And in a small way, it’s true– because of my family situation growing up, I missed out on learning some basic things. But in the present context, it’s not true, I’m certainly capable of learning and changing. Sometimes “it’s too hard” is just a cover for my laziness, or a reaction to feeling overwhelmed. So maybe whenever I’m feeling lazy, or overwhelmed, or at a disadvantage, I’ll say, “it’s a piece of cake!”

The other thing I tell myself is, “I don’t want to be pushy.” Dear sweet Moses, how I hate the idea of promoting myself, inconveniencing anyone, imposing, or pretty much asking anything of anyone, ever. Recently I had some dental work done, and some resulting pain that was… not fun. It went on longer than I thought it should have, and finally, I called the doctor to let him know. He said they used clove oil which bothered a lot of patients gums, and said he’d call in a prescription. When I asked why he didn’t let me know it might be a problem (and believe me, that was not an easy question to ask) he said, most patients call to let him know right away. Oh yeah, most people? When they’re in pain? Call the doctor. Doh! I haven’t found a way to relieve the pain of asking for things, I just have to push through and do it anyway.

What’s holding you back?

And yet, this is the week of Thanksgiving, for those of us living in the US. I’ve been thinking about being thankful a lot lately. It’s something I see lacking in our family. Not that we aren’t courteous, we say “thank you.” But so often if my kids don’t get exactly what they want their attitude stinks. If things aren’t going their way, they aren’t able to see the positive side of things. Well, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and I can tell you this is a trait that my husband and I need to model a lot better.

I think a huge part of the solution could be reflecting on how lucky we are. I have an empty bin that used to have pretzels in it. I haven’t recycled it yet, because I’ve been toying with the idea of using it as a Thankful Box this year. Whenever we’re thankful for something, we could write it on a slip of paper, and stick it in the bin, and then the week of Thanksgiving next year we could read about all the things that we were thankful for. I’ve been meaning to do it for years, so maybe this year, I will.

I can start today.

• I’m thankful that no one in our family has a debilitating or chronic illness, and that most of the time we’re all very healthy.
• I’m thankful that I have the luxury of working at home.
• I’m thankful that we have a toasty-warm house, and plenty of Spongebob on the Tivo.
• I’m thankful that PMS is temporary, and that I only have to feel overwhelmed and cranky a few days out of the month.
• I’m thankful that even though this bought of PMS is bad, my monthly symptoms are pretty mild compared to some women I know.
• I’m thankful I never get migraines.
• I’m thankful that my kids get 3 days off school this week.

What are you thankful for, on this Monday before Thanksgiving?

“You have two hundred dollars! How come you’re always telling me you don’t have any money?!”

“I don’t tell you that I don’t have any money, I tell you I don’t have money for the Webkinz, or the CD, or the poster that you’re asking me for at the moment. We have money, but we only have a certain amount of ‘fun money.’”

“How come all my friends have more fun money than I do?”

“I don’t know, probably because most of your friends’ parents both work full time, and I only work part time.”

“You should go back to teaching! You should get a full-time job! Then I could get a cell phone!”

“True, if I went back to work full time, we’d have a lot more fun money. But you still wouldn’t get a cell phone, because in our family, no kid under 14 needs a cell phone. Also, Will would have to go to full-time school, and I don’t think he’d be very happy. ”

I run this circuit of thought fairly frequently, even without my daughter quizzing me. Which is more important, developing my business full time, or cutting Will’s preschool hours down, because he’s happier? Which is wiser, going back to teaching so I’d have a set salary and the summers off, or trying to build a business from the ground up that may end up being more lucrative than teaching? Which is better, more freedom, or a higher standard of living?

Up ’til now I’ve made my decisions, as all moms do, based on what’s best for my kids. And for our family, that meant being with my kids at home. Now that my kids are getting older, it may mean making more money, and being at home for them, which is trickier. It’s one of the main reasons I decided to start an at-home business. Not so they can have designer clothes and cell phones, but so they can participate in activities, and of course, so we can start putting away for their college.

And there is the issue of what their friends have. I have no intention of trying to keep up with the Joneses, but when most of their friends have 20 Webkinz, and my kids only have one, well, I admit, I would at least like to live in the same neighborhood as the Joneses. Especially as they get older. I don’t want to breed materialism in them, but I also want them to fit in. I remember the kid in my elementary school whose mother sewed her jeans, and other kids who wore nothing but Izod and Jordache, I’d like to find a happy medium in there somewhere.

And what about what’s best for me? That’s got to play into the equation too. I’m pretty happy here at home, but I do better with more structure imposed upon me. Sitting in my PJs at noon, eating cereal for lunch while I read blogs? Well, it’s a blessing and a curse. The blessing part is obvious, but the curse is that maybe I would feel better about myself if I had to get up every morning and go to an office, or a classroom. If I had to put on some decent clothes and interact with people face to face. (If I had any decent clothes– somehow when it’s a choice between a Hannah Montana CD for the kids, or a decent pair of pants for me, Hannah seems to beat me out, every time.) Being an introvert, dealing with people drains my batteries, but like choosing spinach over ice cream, is it better for me?

There’s that saying, don’t let the good be the enemy of the best, but how do you figure out which is which?

“What are your career dreams?”

“Hmm,” I replied. “I don’t think I really have any.”

“But when you have some time just to think about the future, what do you fantasize about?

“I don’t fantasize.”

“Never?” She asked, aghast.

“Not really.”

“I guess you analyze, instead right?”

“Yeah, that’s more on par with my temperament, I guess.”

I don’t know about other cultures, but in the US, having a dream is an integral part of being an American, as baseball. From the pioneers to Pinocchio, we’re inundated with having a dream and making that dream come true. We’re told that we can make our dreams happen, and that hanging onto that dream can help us in times of adversity.

I was reading an article over at Freelance Switch about 8 practices of a long term freelancer, and number 6 is “practice your dream.” Yep, there’s that concept again. It’s something every self help book, and business success guru promotes: purusing your vision, following your dream, forecast your future.

From the perspective of someone who barely has a drop of visionary blood in her veins, it’s an interesting concept to ponder. Maybe I just define it differently. In other words, maybe I have dreams, but they’re sort of disguised in a different format. I have things I want, of course, but I don’t know that they’d qualify as “dreams.” But it’s an idea I’m fascinated by.

So, let’s talk about it in the comments. What does the word “dream” mean to you? Can you recommend any books that have helped you target your dreams? What are your dreams– career or otherwise? How did you find them? Do you pick dreams you know are attainable, or do you let your imagination soar? I’d love to hear them.

I promised

But I realized this week, it’s not just me. As a family, we spend more time with technology than we do with each other. Or at least that’s how it feels sometimes. If I’m not on the computer, my kids are. Or Aaron’s working on his laptop. If the kids aren’t watching TV, then Aaron is. And if it’s not the TV or the computer, it’s the iPod, or the Gameboy, ad infinitum. I don’t mean we spend all our time in front of something that requires electricity; we are a one-TV, one-computer family (excluding Aaron’s work laptop). We love to read, my kids have tons of friends in the neighborhood, but we do spend more time than is… optimal, I think.

Aaron and I were talking about it this weekend. As our kids get older they’re going to have more stuff to do and more places to go. That’s great, but I want to make sure we stay connected. So we decided that Saturday is going to technology free. I’ll try to plan a craft or something fun to do at home. We’ll read, play games, go sight seeing, and we’ll shut technology out for a day. Frankly, I don’t think it’s going to be very much fun for any of us in the beginning. It’s a discipline not to have instant information, instant communication, instant entertainment. But I do think that once we get used to it, we’ll really have fun together. I’ll let you know how it goes. I tend to start with a bang and end with a whimper, but even if it’s only a temporary thing I’m interested to see who I am, who we are, without HBO and AOL. At least for one day a week.

Next year he’ll be going to school half days, everyday, which doesn’t give me a whole heck of a lot more time to work on developing a client base, or to take all the money I’m making, spread out on the bed, and roll around in it, as I imagined I’d be doing in a year. Okay, maybe I’m a little more realistic than that, but I did think that I would have more than 9 freaking hours a week to devote to work, without hearing SpongBob in the background.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m sort of an all or nothing person, and it’s hard for me to say, sure, maybe I won’t have much time to devote to getting a business going this year, and maybe not much more time next year, but boy, come 2010, I’m all over it! I suppose I could think of it as a part time gig. There’s no shame in that, right? The reality is, that’s what it’s shaping up to be, no matter what delusions of grandeur I had in the beginning. When I first started out, I thought I’d start work right after the girls got on the bus at 7:00, and Aaron could get Will dressed and take him to school, so I’d have 7.5 beautiful, pristine, uninterrupted hours to work. I’d make 60 cold calls a week, heck, in a couple of years, I could be pulling in as much as my husband. Or not.

Maybe I need to look into hiring a mother’s helper. Can anyone give me any tips on websites or other resources I can use in finding some in home care? And how well does in home care really work, if mom is in the next room? Anyone, anyone? Bueller?

“Will?” I heard her ask, “Why is your mom always in front of the computer now?”

“I don’t know, ” he replied. “She works on the computer now, so she always has to be on there. I don’t know what she does.”

“It’s weird, because now, whenever I come over, she’s always sitting there.”

Out of the mouths of babes.Yeah, okay it did send a pang of guilt through me, wondering what other mothers do on Sunday afternoon. But more than guilt, it really brought home to me that this is not how I want to spend th majority of my life, at least not the hours my kids are home. Let me be perfectly honest, and tell you the sad truth. If I wanted to spend my weekend in front of the computer, as strong as the force of guilt is, it wouldn’t deter me, because the force of selfishness is stronger. Which for me is saying a lot, because I struggle with guilt.

Case in point, when I first started blogging, I can’t tell you the countless hours I spent in this very chair surfing the net. Reading and writing, commenting and reading comments. It was like a whole new world had opened up to me, and as I was pretty isolated at the time, it was like an IV to the outside world. Sure, I felt guilty. But did that stop me? Nope.

The same is true when I first started doing graphic design. I would sit there, lost in Adobe Photoshop until the pixels made my eyes cross. But then the novelty of those things wore off, and the siren call of the computer was a lot fainter. Now that I’m getting my graphic design business going, it might seem like I’m in the same boat, but I’m really not. I love my work, but I’m not obsessed with it. However you couldn’t tell it by looking, because I sure can put in the hours.

I’m not sure what the problem is exactly, but I need to figure out a way to restructure my time, and organize my work so that when my kids are home I’m not bathed in the glow of my monitor. I KNOW it can be done, if I really want to do it. I can separate my work life from my life at home. So this week? When my kids get home from school, I’m logging out. When the weekend rolls around, I’m not working; I may not even answer my email. If I set some hard and fast rules in the beginning, maybe they’ll be easier to stick to later.

Also, this week, I’m monitoring all my time on the computer, work time, and fooling-around time. I may be spending more time that I think I am surfing the net. Just like when I’m dieting, an m&m here and there adds up after a while. I have this terrific timer, and plan to keep track of my fluff-time, as well as work time, for each day. I’ll let you know how it goes. Please leave me any tried and true tips in the comments.

I guess I need to schedule breaks, which is weird, because I’m all about the breaks, but when I’m working on a design I MUST sit there and compulsively tweak it, until it looks right. Yesterday, I didn’t think the design I was working on would be so uncooperative. I kept telling myself, just a few more minutes, and then I’ll go do something else. That happens more than I’d like.

One of the problems is that I like to spend my breaks in front of the computer, checking email, reading blogs, or Twittering. I’ve cut my blog reading, by about 95%. So I guess if I can break that habit, I can actually get up from the computer every once in a while. And do what, I’m not sure. Baton twirling? 2 minute yoga? I know! I’ll eat my lunch standing over the sink! Seriously though, my treadmill is three steps from my desk, I could walk for 4 minutes a few times a day. I could also poke myself with something sharp, which is one step up from exercise, in my book. One thing I’ve been doing right is making myself exercise for 30 minutes everyday. I hate all 1800 seconds of it, but I do it, and I can tell it’s doing some good.

Another problem is that my posture is horrible. That woman up there? That’s exactly how I sit. Only my eyes are open– most of the time. Part of it’s not my fault, because I’m super short (so short cropped pants are regular length on me) so I can’t lean back in my chair, but I guess I could exert the effort to walk over to my couch and get a pillow to support my back. Ppfft, whatever. I keep hearing about RSI, and I guess it’s something I need to pay attention to. I read a recommendation for Workrave, a free ap that “alerts you to take micro-pauses, rest breaks and restricts you to your daily limit.” It just seems so counterintuitive to have my computer tell me to stop working, but I may give it a try. And I probably need to have my mother phone me a few times a day, and tell me not to slouch.