|
(Cathie) Black Magic
12 comments
The bitch is in.
12 comments
I think you are an idiot.
12 comments
It's finally Friday. I'm free again.
10 comments |
       |
Put on your protective head gear, goggles and ear plugs because Kathy Howe is about to rant. Before I do I should add this disclaimer: what I am going to write about has happened in both my personal and professional lives over the years. This isn’t something that only happens in corporate environments but let me tell you this: if you see yourself in this post:
I think you are an idiot.
There is a breed of people that I encounter from time to time that I have a hard time comprehending. I am, I think, a person that can get along with a wide range of people and I rarely pass judgment on people. I am certainly a fair-minded person and I rarely jump to conclusions about people, their circumstances, their background, experiences and whatnot. I consider myself an optimistic person looking for the best in everyone and everything. But there is this breed of people that likes to share every thought or idea they have with a statement like:
“You might think I am an idiot but I was just thinking [insert something here].”
or
“You might think this is really stupid but lately I am craving [insert food item here] and was wondering if you’d like to join me for [insert name of meal here].”
or
“I was working on this [insert work-related item here] and I know it is really bad but I was wondering if you would take a look at it and let me know what you think.”
Um.
Hello? You over there?
I. THINK. YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT.
Why oh WHY do people do that? Why do people discredit their thoughts, their ideas, their knowledge, their experience, their HARD WORK with statements such as that? I don’t know if I hear these kinds of statements from people anymore than you do but to me, these statements that are riddled with a lack of confidence in ones intelligence, creativity or FEELINGS just absolutely BAFFLES me.
As much as I like to stick to what I said earlier and not pass judgment on people I have to tell you that if you tell me YOU think you are stupid with any sort of frequency, then I WILL THINK YOU ARE STUPID.
And that, my friends, is a KathyHowe guarantee.
If you see yourself in this post I would like to suggest one simple thing that maybe, just maybe, will help me forget that I think you are idiot. Just one tip is all you need:
- Stop referring to yourself as stupid.
This is especially important if you ever want someone to think you are smart.
People, I think, have very little patience for people that lack confidence or strike them as slower than the average bear. Displaying confidence in your work, ideas, knowledge and thoughts will not only make people MORE! INTERESTED! in being with you and working with you, it will also open the door to more experiences.
:: deep breaths ::
So there you have it. The rant. I can tell you quite honestly that most people that I would define as stupid have told me that they are stupid themselves.
Don’t be so quick to put yourself on my stupid list.
(Photo credit goes to me, myself and I. The story behind the photo is here.)
This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 29th, 2008 at 9:25 pm and is filed under People.
Tags: confidence, creativity, ideas, intelligence, knowledge, self-esteem
January 30th, 2008 at 6:03 am
Love it. Self-deprecating humour is one thing: it’s funny because it comes out of a solid self-confidence. (If it doesn’t, it’s not funny, it’s just pathetic.) But self-insulting? That’s just silly.
Last year, I was chatting with my daughter and her friend (they were both 13 at the time). The friend kept saying, “I suck. I totally suck at that.” MANY times, in a short conversation. Finally, I had had enough. I fixed her with a firm but compassionate stare (So I thought. My daughter later told me I was glaring), and said,
“Allison, honey. In this house we do not insult people.”
She just looked baffled. “But I wasn’t insulting anyone!”
I explained that saying “I suck” over and over was, too, insulting someone. That SHE was someone, and worthy of more respect than that. That if she didn’t respect herself, why should anyone else?
My daughter was twitching and doing the “Mom! Enough!” grimacing in the background, but I ignored her. This was IMPORTANT. And whenever I heard her say that from then on in, I’d fix her with the firm and compassionate glare. “Ahem. Allison?” And she would grin and subside.
But you know? Allison doesn’t do that any more, at least not around me, and I hope that perhaps she has learned a new way of relating to herself. Before this pattern becomes who she is. Before she really convinces people she’s an idiot.
January 30th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Add the “I’m sorry”" people to the list. I want to go batty over people that are constantly apologizing for things that they have no business taking on such emotion about. It just makes them look…sorry.
January 30th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
i agree!! i also think some of it is a bad habit we get into when we are younger and just trying to not insult people so instead think that some how putting ourselves down makes other people feel better. (weird, how do we come up with these things??)
Mary P i think what you are doing for your daughter’s friend is PRICELESS! you are breaking that cycle early and it will help her whole life!
tiff- i am occasionally guilty of the ‘i’m sorry’ but mostly out of habit. i was actually in a store once and moved out of someone’s way and said ‘im sorry!’ and the woman just looked at me (like how i imagine Mary P looked at alison!) and said “don’t be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry about” and moved on. that one incident made a HUGE impression and i am much more of an effort to say ‘excuse me’ instead!!
January 30th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I’m sorry, but I’m one of the “I’m sorry” people, like Kate.
I blame it on my guilt-inducing Catholic upbringing and my years living in the South.
It’s kind of like Kate said - when I was younger, I’d put myself down a lot. Not necessarily to make other people feel better, but because it hurt less if I beat them to it. Or so I thought. It’s a HARD habit to un-learn. MaryP, you have indeed done Allison a great favor.
But Kathy, you are quite right - prefacing your ideas with this sort of disclaimer does indeed work against you. And I definitely don’t want you - or anyone else - to think I’m an idiot until AFTER I’ve actually told you what I’m thinking!
January 31st, 2008 at 7:46 am
Does this also apply to people who shuffle their feet through the office with their shoulders hunched and their heads down? Pick up your feet, lift your chin, throw those shoulders back and act with purpose. Even if you’re just going to pee. You DO mean to pee confidently, don’t you? Then walk there like you mean it already.
You might think I’m stoopid but I love you KathyHowe for speaking your mind ;). I think I’m going to lengthen the legs on that little pedestal I’ve had you on. You deserve it. I’m no idiot for know knowing that!
January 31st, 2008 at 8:26 am
MANDY! so funny you say that because when i see people shuffling along it reminds me to stand up straighter and hold my head higher! even if i AM just walking to the bathroom! people think you are ‘important’ when you ACT important!
January 31st, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I’ve learned to stand tall; even when my students are taller than I am (and when i taught 6th grade, they were!) I feel like the tallest in the room because my authority is the highest. I don’t like it when they put themselves down, either; this article reminds me that I need to be firm in not allowing self put-downs.
February 1st, 2008 at 7:52 am
Had a training session with our corporate lawyeryesterday. He started with “I’m sorry this presentation is going to be bad.” What? Not sure how he even got the job as a corporate lawyer.
February 1st, 2008 at 9:21 am
I love it when I post something and learn something new via the comments!! It never occurred to me that I should be mindful of how my kids (and other youth around me) talk about themselves! This self-depreciating talk doesn’t start in adulthood. It most likely starts in the teen years. I have learned something new this week. Thanks to all of you for your great comments!!
February 1st, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Um, guess that I did last night. I’m all red in the face about this but had to share it. I looked at dh and said (this really came out of my mouth), “Wanna know what an idiot I am?” Of course he said I wasn’t an idiot and went on to tell me I was sexy but I wasn’t listening b/c I was thinking, “MaryP would have given me the glare and KathyHowe would add me to her IDIOT list.” I could feel the glare from here (over your glass of wine of course, MaryP, b/c that’s the only picture I’ve ever seen of you!).
February 11th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I learned to put myself down at a young age. As both the “smart girl” and the “fat girl” in my class, I was picked on a lot in school. Particularly after we moved to a new town, where the kids hadn’t known me my entire life. I used to make the fat jokes first just to beat them to the punch.
I have found myself doing the same types of things in my adult life, all the while telling my 3 beautiful girls to stand tall and proud, and berating them for saying they were fat and unattractive (They aren’t!) Until the day they called me on it!
They said “Mom, quit talking about yourself like that. You keep telling us not to do it!”
Still fighting the “I suck at math” battle with my youngest girl. She’s in 5th grade and in math hell. A place I know well. (Ha! I’m a poet!) I told her it was o.k. to say she didn’t like math, but I did not want to hear her saying she sucked, or stunk, or any such thing.
I’ve learned not to apologize for my intelligence, though. Since my divorce I’ve become - though some said it was impossible - even more stubborn about defending my thoughts and beliefs. Just ask my new hubby, who is convinced I am never going to admit to being wrong. I told him I would, as soon as I was wrong about something (seriously, I’m not being arrogant, he is just so off on some things it’s unbelieveable) but I will NEVER say I’m wrong when I’m not just to make him feel better.
Thanks KathyHowe for a great blog. This is my first visit to the site and I’ll be coming back often.
February 28th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Yes I have come up and done it myself and I get so mad with myself when I do. I am not a stupid person or do I think I am idiot but people put me on the defensive sometimes by their reactions when I announce something or want to express an idea. We are not idiots people we are highly intelligent women and our opinions and ideas are just as good as those other people out there we have to work and live with. Speak up and don’t be afraid to express yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!