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One Proud SAHD and Why He's Better than I
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Who Wears the Pants?
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We really are that simple
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Our friends visited this past weekend, and the husband wears the pants. You know, he makes the money, the decisions, is the disciplinarian of the family, and so on. The wife is a wonderful woman, but she is far less ambitious and their relationship seems to work specifically because they are these two perfect pieces that are so very different.
And when most people meet my wife, they say that she must wear the pants. And they’re right.
I am not the multi-million wage-earner in the family, nor the high-powered one. I pride myself on my easygoingness, and our relationship seems to work because we have that opposite thing going, too, just the other way around. Of course, it would appear that we are in the minority because MEN are supposed to be the breadwinners and their wives wear the aprons.
But is this now such an out-of-date concept?
I remember speaking to a friend awhile ago about the show “Friends” (you know, Ross, Rachel, and the gang? I know you watched it, secretly). He said: “this is the role model for our children, that the men and the women are basically the same.” And when you think about it, he’s pretty much right. In that show, there was very little difference between the male and female characters - they were all emotional, doltish, stylish. But shouldn’t there be a difference?
I will admit that after our friends left, I began to question myself - whether I was “manly” enough. And the fact that I like the wife’s Dove cucumber body wash probably means that I am definitely not manly enough, but this whole notion of marital gender-power dynamics is fascinating to me, especially after my wife and I just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. Maybe it can work both ways.
So who wears the pants in your house?
This entry was posted on Thursday, September 6th, 2007 at 11:56 am and is filed under My Life.
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September 6th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Interesting post. In my household, I’d be glad to give up some of the control.
I work out of the home and my wife stays home with the kids. But it seems like beyond that it’s not the same as the old traditional ways. She hates to cook, I do much of the laundry, we share many of the other chores.
I guess what I’m getting at is that certainly a lot of the traditional things have morphed together for us. We definitely fit the “Friends” model, where we just juggle everything in order to try to create a working household between the two of us.
September 6th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Thank you, Delton - I find myself thinking about this a lot, especially when I compare my life and marriage to our friends (or as much of their life as can be surmised). My wife is the cook in the family (I make salads). She makes the grocery list and then I go to the store. I vacuum, wash toilets, and do the laundry. She is the organizer and I am the do-er, for lack of a better term, and it seems to work out okay. But I bet she would also say that she would prefer less organizing or control, as you did.
September 7th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
I just finished a book which suggests that specialization within a relationship is probably a better and more realistic goal than 50-50. Which is not to say that one “wears the pants”, which to me suggests that one has final decision-making authority and veto power. My firt marriage ‘worked’ that way - which is why it’s also my former marriage…
The specialization doesn’t have to fall on traditional gender lines, though: as she says (I’m paraphrasing) - “There’s no reason that just because one partner takes on food preparation, they also have to manage interior decorating and clothing the children and attending school nights.”
I figure you each do what you prefer and do best; you negotiate the bits you both want (or both DON’T want).
And then, pants become irrelevant.
September 13th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
Hi Avi
I so enjoyed your post. For many years, I was the alpha-earner in my household. My husband always had a good job but my career peaked very early and his was more of a rocky road. As a result, neither of us wanted to “wear the pants” so went about our day dividing and conquering. My husband is a real guys guy and the fact that his wife earned a lot more money was a real conflict in our marriage. It was almost a dirty little secret that only my sister knew about. There was shame on the part of my husband and unfortunately in a heated argument I would throw it up in his face (which I regret deeply).
Anyway,six months ago I lost my job and now my husband is the alpha-earner and it’s been a huge adjustment. I will be honest and say I liked the control that being the bread winner brought. Now, being dependent on him is bringing up a whole slew of feelings. As I plan to head back into the workforce after a six month hiatus, I’m excited to be back on a somewhat even playing field with him. It doesn’t help that I’m competitive by nature as is he.
My husband and I have a terrific marriage and wonderful family life with our three kids but this has been one issue that has been very tricky. I want to thank you for bringing it out of the closet and hitting it straight on. At the very least, open dialogue leads to growth and maturity.
Keep writing Avi - it’s great!
Megan
September 15th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Thank you, Megan - I would actually term myself a non-alpha-male, so with my wife as the primary wage earner for most of our life together, it did not weigh on me because I needed to make more than she did, but because I did not want her to have that weight on her. Now that she has left her finance career and I make most of our income, we simply have less money and are making it work the best that we can, though I don’t think our dynamics have changed. We woke up this morning and my wife rolled over and said: “I can’t believe we just picked up and moved to Boston.” Neither can I, having given up a very stable life in New York. But despite all the changes, the amazing thing about marriages is how they continue to evolve.
Thank you all for your comments!
September 25th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
I have always described my husband as “Masculine without being macho.” I don’t think either of us wears the pants. He makes more money than I do most of the time (he is an architect with his own firm), but my stable income is greatly appreciated. When his business is going through a rough patch I am happy to help.
I think we both wear the pants.
But you know what? Our 15 year old daughter asked me who has been using up her cotton candy scented bath wash– and it was not me!
November 5th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
No doubt….she does! Face it, most women are in charge. The only difference in my marriage is that we both acknowledge that she is the boss. No whips, no chains.
Wife led marriages are the best. With a divorce rate of near 50% why not try it. I found great information at aroundherfinger(dotcom). good luck
February 3rd, 2008 at 1:37 am
I made more money for a long time. My husband was fine with that; his parents were not sure about it, but tolerated it because, well, he was fine with it. Our incomes are now more equal because mine has not kept pace with inflation and he’s expanded in his field. It’s never been a competition. And I must admit; he’s the better cook. In fact, he’s out grocery shopping right now while I’m doing laundry!
March 30th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I’m surprised that many of the posts in response to who wears the pants have to do with who makes the most money. My wife is a stay at home Mom who makes all the major decisions. We moved into a monster house because she wanted one. We bought a monster gas guzzling SUV because she refused to drive a mini van. The house is a pig pen because that’s the way she likes it. (lived in). We spend $200/month for a cleaning service because she refuses to clean. The refrigerator only gets cleaned if I do it or pay the cleaners extra to do it. If I so much as try to negotiate with her, all hell breaks loose, the kids get in the middle, I look like the bad guy, and it’s just not worth it. I give up. If this is God’s will for me, so be it.