Comments on: Who Wears the Pants? http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/ Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:24:51 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5.1 By: jerrys http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-214 jerrys Sun, 30 Mar 2008 13:49:01 +0000 http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-214 I'm surprised that many of the posts in response to who wears the pants have to do with who makes the most money. My wife is a stay at home Mom who makes all the major decisions. We moved into a monster house because she wanted one. We bought a monster gas guzzling SUV because she refused to drive a mini van. The house is a pig pen because that's the way she likes it. (lived in). We spend $200/month for a cleaning service because she refuses to clean. The refrigerator only gets cleaned if I do it or pay the cleaners extra to do it. If I so much as try to negotiate with her, all hell breaks loose, the kids get in the middle, I look like the bad guy, and it's just not worth it. I give up. If this is God's will for me, so be it. I’m surprised that many of the posts in response to who wears the pants have to do with who makes the most money. My wife is a stay at home Mom who makes all the major decisions. We moved into a monster house because she wanted one. We bought a monster gas guzzling SUV because she refused to drive a mini van. The house is a pig pen because that’s the way she likes it. (lived in). We spend $200/month for a cleaning service because she refuses to clean. The refrigerator only gets cleaned if I do it or pay the cleaners extra to do it. If I so much as try to negotiate with her, all hell breaks loose, the kids get in the middle, I look like the bad guy, and it’s just not worth it. I give up. If this is God’s will for me, so be it.

]]> By: Daisy http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-151 Daisy Sun, 03 Feb 2008 01:37:39 +0000 http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-151 I made more money for a long time. My husband was fine with that; his parents were not sure about it, but tolerated it because, well, he was fine with it. Our incomes are now more equal because mine has not kept pace with inflation and he's expanded in his field. It's never been a competition. And I must admit; he's the better cook. In fact, he's out grocery shopping right now while I'm doing laundry! I made more money for a long time. My husband was fine with that; his parents were not sure about it, but tolerated it because, well, he was fine with it. Our incomes are now more equal because mine has not kept pace with inflation and he’s expanded in his field. It’s never been a competition. And I must admit; he’s the better cook. In fact, he’s out grocery shopping right now while I’m doing laundry!

]]> By: steve http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-94 steve Mon, 05 Nov 2007 19:51:40 +0000 http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-94 No doubt....she does! Face it, most women are in charge. The only difference in my marriage is that we both acknowledge that she is the boss. No whips, no chains. Wife led marriages are the best. With a divorce rate of near 50% why not try it. I found great information at aroundherfinger(dotcom). good luck No doubt….she does! Face it, most women are in charge. The only difference in my marriage is that we both acknowledge that she is the boss. No whips, no chains.

Wife led marriages are the best. With a divorce rate of near 50% why not try it. I found great information at aroundherfinger(dotcom). good luck

]]> By: KateiK http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-69 KateiK Tue, 25 Sep 2007 17:26:17 +0000 http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-69 I have always described my husband as "Masculine without being macho." I don't think either of us wears the pants. He makes more money than I do most of the time (he is an architect with his own firm), but my stable income is greatly appreciated. When his business is going through a rough patch I am happy to help. I think we both wear the pants. But you know what? Our 15 year old daughter asked me who has been using up her cotton candy scented bath wash-- and it was not me! I have always described my husband as “Masculine without being macho.” I don’t think either of us wears the pants. He makes more money than I do most of the time (he is an architect with his own firm), but my stable income is greatly appreciated. When his business is going through a rough patch I am happy to help.

I think we both wear the pants.

But you know what? Our 15 year old daughter asked me who has been using up her cotton candy scented bath wash– and it was not me!

]]> By: Avi Spivack http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-60 Avi Spivack Sat, 15 Sep 2007 13:15:49 +0000 http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-60 Thank you, Megan - I would actually term myself a non-alpha-male, so with my wife as the primary wage earner for most of our life together, it did not weigh on me because I needed to make more than she did, but because I did not want her to have that weight on her. Now that she has left her finance career and I make most of our income, we simply have less money and are making it work the best that we can, though I don't think our dynamics have changed. We woke up this morning and my wife rolled over and said: "I can't believe we just picked up and moved to Boston." Neither can I, having given up a very stable life in New York. But despite all the changes, the amazing thing about marriages is how they continue to evolve. Thank you all for your comments! Thank you, Megan - I would actually term myself a non-alpha-male, so with my wife as the primary wage earner for most of our life together, it did not weigh on me because I needed to make more than she did, but because I did not want her to have that weight on her. Now that she has left her finance career and I make most of our income, we simply have less money and are making it work the best that we can, though I don’t think our dynamics have changed. We woke up this morning and my wife rolled over and said: “I can’t believe we just picked up and moved to Boston.” Neither can I, having given up a very stable life in New York. But despite all the changes, the amazing thing about marriages is how they continue to evolve.

Thank you all for your comments!

]]> By: Megan http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-59 Megan Thu, 13 Sep 2007 22:24:00 +0000 http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-59 Hi Avi I so enjoyed your post. For many years, I was the alpha-earner in my household. My husband always had a good job but my career peaked very early and his was more of a rocky road. As a result, neither of us wanted to "wear the pants" so went about our day dividing and conquering. My husband is a real guys guy and the fact that his wife earned a lot more money was a real conflict in our marriage. It was almost a dirty little secret that only my sister knew about. There was shame on the part of my husband and unfortunately in a heated argument I would throw it up in his face (which I regret deeply). Anyway,six months ago I lost my job and now my husband is the alpha-earner and it's been a huge adjustment. I will be honest and say I liked the control that being the bread winner brought. Now, being dependent on him is bringing up a whole slew of feelings. As I plan to head back into the workforce after a six month hiatus, I'm excited to be back on a somewhat even playing field with him. It doesn't help that I'm competitive by nature as is he. My husband and I have a terrific marriage and wonderful family life with our three kids but this has been one issue that has been very tricky. I want to thank you for bringing it out of the closet and hitting it straight on. At the very least, open dialogue leads to growth and maturity. Keep writing Avi - it's great! Megan Hi Avi

I so enjoyed your post. For many years, I was the alpha-earner in my household. My husband always had a good job but my career peaked very early and his was more of a rocky road. As a result, neither of us wanted to “wear the pants” so went about our day dividing and conquering. My husband is a real guys guy and the fact that his wife earned a lot more money was a real conflict in our marriage. It was almost a dirty little secret that only my sister knew about. There was shame on the part of my husband and unfortunately in a heated argument I would throw it up in his face (which I regret deeply).

Anyway,six months ago I lost my job and now my husband is the alpha-earner and it’s been a huge adjustment. I will be honest and say I liked the control that being the bread winner brought. Now, being dependent on him is bringing up a whole slew of feelings. As I plan to head back into the workforce after a six month hiatus, I’m excited to be back on a somewhat even playing field with him. It doesn’t help that I’m competitive by nature as is he.

My husband and I have a terrific marriage and wonderful family life with our three kids but this has been one issue that has been very tricky. I want to thank you for bringing it out of the closet and hitting it straight on. At the very least, open dialogue leads to growth and maturity.

Keep writing Avi - it’s great!
Megan

]]> By: MaryP http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-57 MaryP Fri, 07 Sep 2007 18:40:48 +0000 http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-57 I just finished a book which suggests that specialization within a relationship is probably a better and more realistic goal than 50-50. Which is not to say that one "wears the pants", which to me suggests that one has final decision-making authority and veto power. My firt marriage 'worked' that way - which is why it's also my former marriage... The specialization doesn't have to fall on traditional gender lines, though: as she says (I'm paraphrasing) - "There's no reason that just because one partner takes on food preparation, they also have to manage interior decorating and clothing the children and attending school nights." I figure you each do what you prefer and do best; you negotiate the bits you both want (or both DON'T want). And then, pants become irrelevant. I just finished a book which suggests that specialization within a relationship is probably a better and more realistic goal than 50-50. Which is not to say that one “wears the pants”, which to me suggests that one has final decision-making authority and veto power. My firt marriage ‘worked’ that way - which is why it’s also my former marriage…

The specialization doesn’t have to fall on traditional gender lines, though: as she says (I’m paraphrasing) - “There’s no reason that just because one partner takes on food preparation, they also have to manage interior decorating and clothing the children and attending school nights.”

I figure you each do what you prefer and do best; you negotiate the bits you both want (or both DON’T want).

And then, pants become irrelevant.

]]> By: Avi Spivack http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-56 Avi Spivack Thu, 06 Sep 2007 19:58:16 +0000 http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-56 Thank you, Delton - I find myself thinking about this a lot, especially when I compare my life and marriage to our friends (or as much of their life as can be surmised). My wife is the cook in the family (I make salads). She makes the grocery list and then I go to the store. I vacuum, wash toilets, and do the laundry. She is the organizer and I am the do-er, for lack of a better term, and it seems to work out okay. But I bet she would also say that she would prefer less organizing or control, as you did. Thank you, Delton - I find myself thinking about this a lot, especially when I compare my life and marriage to our friends (or as much of their life as can be surmised). My wife is the cook in the family (I make salads). She makes the grocery list and then I go to the store. I vacuum, wash toilets, and do the laundry. She is the organizer and I am the do-er, for lack of a better term, and it seems to work out okay. But I bet she would also say that she would prefer less organizing or control, as you did.

]]> By: Delton http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-55 Delton Thu, 06 Sep 2007 17:57:48 +0000 http://workitmom.com/bloggers/workitdad/2007/09/06/who-wears-the-pants/#comment-55 Interesting post. In my household, I'd be glad to give up some of the control. I work out of the home and my wife stays home with the kids. But it seems like beyond that it's not the same as the old traditional ways. She hates to cook, I do much of the laundry, we share many of the other chores. I guess what I'm getting at is that certainly a lot of the traditional things have morphed together for us. We definitely fit the "Friends" model, where we just juggle everything in order to try to create a working household between the two of us. Interesting post. In my household, I’d be glad to give up some of the control.

I work out of the home and my wife stays home with the kids. But it seems like beyond that it’s not the same as the old traditional ways. She hates to cook, I do much of the laundry, we share many of the other chores.

I guess what I’m getting at is that certainly a lot of the traditional things have morphed together for us. We definitely fit the “Friends” model, where we just juggle everything in order to try to create a working household between the two of us.

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