NPR ran a piece last week about young men who refuse to grow up. My first thought was, that’s ME! Well, not really. But my second thought was, that’s the movie “Swingers.” (Which I loved, of course; and if you’re a guy and you didn’t like the movie, then you’re lying.)
I wrote previously about how it’s weird to be a relatively young father these days. My best friend is a perpetual bachelor and entertains me with his stories of gallivanting through Europe with a new woman in each country. And while I might have a tinge of envy for his life of liberty, he, too, has an immense desire to “settle down” and actually envies the fact that I have found the love of my life and we have a wonderful daughter and a little house in the ‘burbs…so when do we draw the line?
My brother is in his mid-twenties and was living in our parents’ house until this past year - at the same age that I got married. He will likely get his own apartment by the same age I was when we had our daughter. So there is quite a divide there, and I think it also perfectly embodies the shifting cultural landscape where it’s fine for a late-twenty and even thirty-something guy to be single, still living off of (or with) mom and dad, and immersed in serious hobbies like the Sony PSP or fantasy football.
The interesting thing to me is how this shift came about, or why. Is it due to a gradual rejection of the 1950s “values” - where people got married out of college, man started a career, and woman tended the home? Obviously, that model of the American home has disappeared, largely, but beyond the waiting to get married and have kids, isn’t it time these “kids” stopped acting like kids and grew up already? I mean, video games, as a thirty-something? C’mon. It was funny in “Swingers” but at some point you have to graduate beyond it and move on to books - you know, those things with pages.
Of course, the parents perpetuate the ability of their children to continue to act this way and rely on them; especially if they are well-off (or even not) and have allowed, or even encouraged, their children to wander into the world and work for a non-profit pulling in a salary that can’t pay the rent. If you keep your kid’s room ready for him or her to come home, then they might actually end of taking you up on that offer. Now I’m not saying you need to kick your kids out, but at the very least instill them with a sense of individual responsibility so they can grow into their independence quickly and find their “adult” selves.
And yet, I pontificate here with my three-year-old asleep next door, and I have no idea how I will feel as a parent when she’s a teenager and older and these issues are actually more real to me. But what I do know is that I am glad to have been one of the first of my friends to marry and have kids - if anything, it forced me to grow up faster, which I think I needed as an adult. My wife would likely disagree with the definition of me as an adult, but at least I don’t play video games (well, not in the house anyway).
So where do you fall on this issue - is the next generation lagging in maturity and their lack of desire to emerge into adulthood? Does it matter?
What a topic! I am 6 years older than my sister just below me (there are a total of five below and one above), she did different things than I did like clubbing and parties. I guess I just wasn’t interested. She is married now and He’s a year older than me. So, she grew up fast in the moment! He was still into the youner gals and had a hard time growing up. He still wishes he was eighteen. (who doesn’t after the fact?) They are a great couple and do their best. She has come out of her “play” zone quite a bit. But she will still go to clubs and go out of town with girlfriends for fun, including Hawaii and Disneyland, leaving hubby behind. He’s never been to Hawaii, I just don’t know how you can be married and still do things like you weren’t (minus the relationship part). They have a three year old and have been married for six years. They have their issues and struggle to get through them I guess.
So to answer your question, it won’t matter! I feel that they lag on maturity. But, at the same time I think we just notice where we are and others aren’t. There are still a great number of young mature people. I guess that’s what makes us unique. I am 30 and I am very happy with where I am with my choice of having a family and being married at a young age. I’ve been married 12 years and I have 5 beautiful children. I never new how many children I wanted, we decided to take it one step at a time. I worked and Managed a business for 6 years before I came home full time. I had friends actually tease me that I was getting married right out of high school, those same friends have been divorced twice now, with kids involved. I am very excited about my life and my future with my family. You can only be an example to others, you just can’t change them.
Sorry for a long comment, but thank you for opening up that window! You are doing a great job!!
Natalie | February 4th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
First of all, Swingers? Not so much. But the soundtrack is on heavy rotation around here!! Even my 3 y.o. says, “come on and knock me a kiss!” I do admit to buying the movie, I’m just not a huge fan of these characters.
Second, I too question the open nest issue. I think it’s great to help your children, especially if you can, but there is a whole generation of young adults, male and female, who feel such a sense of entitlement. They expect that they will be given the world on a platter just because of who they are. I think this is a big part of their inability to emerge into adulthood.
At what point, though, do you start to insist that your child grow up and help themselves? While I blame parents for coddling their children unto adulthood, can I blame them for doing what they think is right?
Oh, but that doesn’t answer your question. I think there is a lack of desire in the next generation. They want to be taken seriously, they expect to be making boat loads of money, they expect to be waited on and respected yet it seems like they keep coming up short in the maturity department. This doesn’t apply to all of them, blah, blah, etc, etc, but the vast majority that I’ve come across. I don’t know if it matters now but when it’s their turn to run the world, will it matter then?
Mandy | February 4th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Oh, one of my favorite topics. I’ve raised one of those twentysomethings that I like to think is an exception to this. At 23, he’s out of college, supporting himself in a professional job related to his degree, living on his own, and has a long-term girlfriend.
At the same time, if he IS an exception, I really wish he wasn’t - but I do think there’s an excess of entitlement and immaturity among his peers. I also think many of the parents are abetting that, and it probably has more to do with their own needs than what’s really best for their (grown) children. And I tend to think it really DOES matter.
Anyway, I’ve posted a few rants of my own on this topic on my blog… But it’s interesting to get this perspective from people who are just a few years older, neither part of the “emerging-adult” group nor well past it.
Florinda | February 4th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
The only reason “Swingers” came to mind was because of this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owk4S0GGDbU which perfectly shows supposed men acting like boys. And yes, the hidden juvenile in me loves to watch that scene because it is so far removed from my real life
Avi Spivack | February 4th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
wow interesting question/perspective. i think often it comes down to your definition of mature. i know PLENTY of immature guys who dont play video games and mature ones who do
so i dont know if that is the measure!
for me, it has a lot more to do with being responsible for youself, your family, and your actions.
this generation now benifited from their parents allowing them ‘to be kids’ for as long as possible. perhaps too long? i believe my job as a parent is to give my kids the skills and desire to live on their own and achieve their dreams - on their own. sometimes i think it’s just really hard to believe your baby is a teenager, then in college and now a grownup! maybe the babies today will find the middle ground
Kate | February 6th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I tell my husband he’s like 11 years old and will probably remain so the rest of his life. He’s not into clubbing and partying (which 11 year-old would be?) but he digs gadgets, spends endless time on Orkut, loves juvenile food (cookies, milk, cakes, jellies, PBJ, chocolate syrup…you get what I’m saying?) and simply cannot function comfortably doing things like planning our finances or even buying his own clothes. Sigh! Is he responsible? Well, I wouldn’t call him irresponsible, just not-so-good at handling responsibilities. So me (an only child and only children are sposed to be spoilt, right?) has to be the adult in the family. I wonder what people think of us now that I’ve put the dirty linen out to dry.
A Lost Writer | February 8th, 2008 at 4:25 am