Comments on: Mommy’s Little Helper

By: Cheryl

Cheryl — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 21:07:43 +0000

In my opinion, there is no right or wrong way to clean something. There’s my way and his way. I’m a neat freak. I dust, scrub, vac, and do other deep cleaning every week. He doesn’t think every week is necessary. Neither is wrong or right. It’s about your standards.

Since I want these things done every week, I do them. Things we agree on (ie trash can’t pile up, clean underwear is a must) we split up.

I don’t think it’s that a man is woman’s helper. It’s that, typically, men just aren’t concerned with it. And that’s OK ladies!

I was raised if you want something done, do it. Not because you would do it better but because you want it. Not someone else.

I still get frustrated sometimes if I feel overwhelmed by a long self-inflicted To Do list. I just express my feelings and say, help make me happy. He wants to make me happy. I don’t nag, threaten, or bicker with him. I just ask.

As long as the house doesn’t stink or attract bugs, who cares?

By: A Lost Writer

A Lost Writer — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 08:55:52 +0000

Hmmm….thanks, Avi. Your post got me thinking about the stuff my husband WILL do. He isn’t my helper because he doesn’t like to be told what to do. And he can’t do any of the housework on his own.
So after I went nuts doing everything myself, there are a few tasks that are now completely his to manage. He really wouldn’t do anything earlier but I guess 10 years of marriage change a man.
So from my-husband-does-nothing, it’s improved to…let’s see, he takes out the trash (which is a tiny bag every night to be kept outside our apartment), fills the water bottles (yes, we have to use a water purifier), does his laundry and the kid’s laundry (but not anything that is stained), irons the kid’s uniform and some clothes. Puts on the kid’s socks and shoes for school every morning, too. And will sometimes clean up after dinner if I pretend that there is no cleaning up to do.
Now for the other stuff. Grocery shopping? No. Manage money & pay bills? No. Cooking? NO, NO, NO. Plan social activities. No (unless it involves going out for pizza ) Clearing the clutter? (only after a fight)
Oh yea, and I have a 50-hour work week plus commute. He has a 40 hour workweek and…?

By: Daisy

Daisy — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:32:16 +0000

Your wife must feel very lucky. I feel lucky, too: we have a great balance of workloads. He works in TV in a major NFL market, so I take over a lot more during the playoffs (and during Favre’s recent retirement announcement, sniff). When I have parent-teacher conferences or Open Houses, he steps up to the plate. At the moment, I have laundry in the dryer and he’s at the grocery store.

By: Jacq

Jacq — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 12:20:14 +0000

My husband is a SAHD and is fabulous at it! I stayed home for about 1.5yrs, but the balance in the house was never quite right. When we reversed the roles, all of a sudden things fell in to place. Part of that, I think, has to do with doing stuff we like to do (or atleast don’t mind doing) rather than taking on chores that make us groan and roll our eyes. Here’s our breakdown:

Me (work 50-55hrs/wk outside the home): manage money/pay bills, dinner dishes, shopping lists, plan social activities, resident computer person & handy-woman, 35% child care

Him (SAHD): laundry, cleaning, cooking, food shopping, vaccuming, daily child activities (gymnastics, park), 65% child care

By: Kate

Kate — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:48:27 +0000

Amy@UWM - i think your last sentance says it all!
“It comes down to playing to our strengths and what works for us.”
you are so right! which is probably why we seem to disagree

i think i lucked out with a hubby that eventually learns - dont get me wrong, it did not happen over night! We just celebrated 7 years and he finally learned how to propertly clean the kitchen last year. (plus he probably wore me down a bit and my standards arent as high LOL) but we do compromise and learn and have a fairly equal partnership - i used to think i had to do it all and realized part of it was my inability to accept that just because he doenst do it the way i would do it, doenst mean it’s wrong. (most of the time)

off to read your blog post!

By: Amy@UWM

Amy@UWM — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 03:35:21 +0000

Avi, can’t agree with you more and Kate, I have to respectfully disagree. My husband and I just went through a period where he really tried to step up and be more of a partner to me. But it just didn’t work. He simply does not know what needs to be done and cannot seem to see it even when it’s right in front of his face. He has to be walked through many tasks — step by step — even if he’s done it before. The finer details just don’t stick to his brain and he can’t keep them all straight like I can. Not to mention he’s not a natural nurturer and he often will default to his own needs over the kids. He tried, he really did. But he just wasn’t the right guy for the job (see my blog post about my experience at http://upwithmoms.blogspot.com/2008/02/honey-youre-fired.html)

Now he’s back to being a helper and is responsible for several tasks around the house, just like you are. And he is responsible for managing the household finances which is not an insignificant job.
And he does cook for us on the weekends and he just so happens to be a fabulous cook.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’m always going to have to be the boss and he the helper. It comes down to play to playing to our strengths and what works for us.

By: kate

kate — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 02:00:15 +0000

Amy - i think i agree with you? i actually think Avi went a little over the top with the ‘helper’ theme (i hope?) to get a point accross that men today are more open to letting their wives run with it when that is their strength. recognizing our stengths in weaknesses allows us to make the best decisions for our family over all!

i think that is why i was compelled to write out the mine, his, ours duties - really more to show myself that it IS equal and not so one sided!

This is particularly complicated in families where the woman is the substantial breadwinner. For example, i work 10-12 hours a day (including commute) so there are just things that he will need to take care of when he gets home with DS 2 hours before i walk in the door.

lastly, i hope EVERYONE would not stand for responsibility with out authority!

By: Amy

Amy — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 01:36:06 +0000

Avi,
Your portrayal of men as ‘helpers’ may be how it is in many homes, but it is not how it could be. I think you took the easy way out here, saying what you think perhaps women want to hear.

I’m a woman who definitely wants to hear differently, however. Men don’t have to be relegated to the helper role. If we can all stop thinking of men as ‘less than’ in their own homes, we can reach true equal partnership - a much more satisfying situation for all. What man would stand for responsibiility without authority at his paying job? Why does he have to do so at home?

If we want men to step up to 50% of the housework, we have to start treating them as equal partners - with equal decision-making power and status. And men have to get competent and stand up for their way of doing the housework. If someone offered you a million dollars to braid your daughter’s hair like a pro or cook a gourmet meal, somehow I think you’d rise to the occasion!

I love your column, but did have to disagree with you on this one.

By: SoftwareMom

SoftwareMom — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 21:36:33 +0000

I’m happy with our balance. I work 20 hr/wk, so I take on more of the organizational stuff.

Stuff I do:
Dinner dishes, load dishwasher, grocery shopping, Target shopping, bill paying, 65% of the childcare (breakfast, dinner, bathtime, etc)

Stuff he does:
Cooks dinner every night, mows the lawn, maintains irrigation, 25% of childcare (showers, bedtime, weekend mornings)

Stuff we share:
Pruning and planting bushes and flowers, trash

Stuff we outsource:
Biweekly cleaner vacuums, mops, dusts, folds laundry, and thoroughly cleans the kitchen and bathrooms
Nanny unloads dishwasher and folds clothes, 10% of childcare (lunch and nap)

By: Kate

Kate — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:11:34 +0000

haha i love this!

it’s very simple: hubby mostly does the things i hate doing.

stuff he does: trash, kitty litter, yard work, car stuff, animal stuff (vet, nails, etc.)

stuff that i do:
make lists, manage money, plan social activities, grocery shop, attempt organization, determine the cut off point for mess and when to begin cleaning

stuff we do jointly:
kid stuff, laundry, dishes, house cleaning, cooking (though i cannot resist telling HOW to cook because he doesn’t do it how i would do it. fortunatly we find the humor in this!)

i wouldnt say it’s blissful, but it works for us for now! mostly! i want cheap cleaning service….