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Hey, y’all, I’m getting just a little tired of all this Mommy Guilt talk.
Okay, I know you’ve cornered the market on actually birthing children and breast-feeding them. But I’m here to tell you that you’re not the only ones who are entitled to feel guilty.
Us Dads feel guilty, too. And for many - if not all - of the same reasons.
Let’s air them out.
So first off, why does my wife feel guilty?
She is not a good mommy: she does not see her daughter enough in general, does not cook enough, does not spend every waking minute with her, does not stay home with her every single freaking time she is sick, and overall will never live up to her own mother’s standard of how to be a good mother. (I tend to think my wife is not only an extraordinary woman and a super-woman - though I have suspicions that she actually works for the CIA - but she’s also an amazing mother.)
My Dad Guilt?
It stems from all things that I cannot do, which includes not being home as much as I want to, having to make the most of the 45-minutes I have each night to see my daughter (and give her a bath, which I cherish). And the bigger piece: the fact that I am not a Mom and I will never have that same bond, that extra-special mother-daughter connection that is so tangible, and has become even more pronounced as our daughter has grown up (good god, she will be FOUR this weekend).
Now that may sound more like envy than guilt, but somehow it weighs on me as guilt, and it’s obviously something that cannot be changed. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love having a daughter, more than I ever thought imaginable, and I would undermine the significance by even trying to express how amazing it is.
This whole train of thought began for me last weekend when we were at the park, our daughter made an instant friend on the playground and ran off, glued. I then met the friend’s father when the girls hit the swings. Nice guy, works in tech, sports fan - all the ingredients for a friendly chat…and then somehow he ends up telling me that actually he’s divorced and he only gets to see his daughter every other weekend (she lives with her mother in New Hampshire). And what struck me was not his reality, but what my wife said when I told her that he was trying to get his ex to move closer to Boston: “Yeah, it’s very rare for a father to get custody.”
Man, that hit me. Hard. And it hit me because I knew she was right, and us Dads are really second-fiddle to you Moms. And while it’s much (MUCH) harder to be first-fiddle (both in life in general, but also as a parent), it made me realize all the little things I don’t do or can’t do and implant themselves as guilt.
As parents we all harbor it, likely forever, but I didn’t want you Moms to think you were the only ones.
This entry was posted on Monday, June 9th, 2008 at 3:57 pm and is filed under General.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:35 am
Guilt is a complex emotion. It includes envy, longing, wishing, and more. It goes beyond the standard tool for bonding with a daughter: shoe shopping. (Mine was into shoes already at age 4.)
June 10th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Thank you, Daisy. And ours is already opinionated about which clothes she wants to wear (age 4) and I already see her as a teen, and I am deathly afraid. But you raised an interesting point about bonding - how do we as parents evolve our “bonding” time; at 4, an afternoon at the zoo works, but what will work when she’s 9, 13, 18?
June 11th, 2008 at 3:43 am
Actually men get custody fairly often. Judges are sometimes more willing to let men work and juggle parenting than women. I think it depends on which state as the laws are all based in the state.
BUT…nice points on the daddy guilt thing. My hubby suffers the same “envy” over the bond I have with my daughter. Althou, she’s totally a daddy’s girl. So much so that when he mentioned that he might have to start working more nights, she gave him a look that would had sent me to the unemployment window.
June 12th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I think my husband would wholeheartedly agree with you that dads feel The Guilt, too. He also feels some additional guilt about my being a working mom, I think (as in, if he made more money I might stay home or work part-time or whatever).
It’s a tough racket for all of us, I guess. Good thing the parenting perks outweigh the hard stuff, right??
Great post.
June 12th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
And a great response, Lee; I neglected to include that aspect of The Guilt - the financial one. Even though my wife has always been the main breadwinner, finances have always been an issue, and if I had taken a different path and could make more money, perhaps, she would not be as stressed and could work less (I don’t think either one of us could be stay-at-home parents). But remind me, what are the parenting “perks”?
June 14th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
It’s good to hear that it’s not just moms. Actually, my husband and I commiserate often about how we BOTH wish we could spend every waking minute with our daughter. This feeling is by no means unique to moms. My daughter’s dad would LOVE to be a SAHD, honestly even more than I would want to be a SAHM. Our salaries are about equal, but if I could make enough money to pay the bills, he would be an amazing stay at home dad.
June 21st, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Avi,
What yo uwrote is exactly how we explained Daddy Guilt in our book “Mommy Guilt” dads feel it, but it’s just not labeled as “guilt” more often it is identified as frustration. Actually Mommy Guilt (and Daddy Guilt) are more like the vinagrette we pour over all the negative emotions we may have as parents. Daisy nailed it in her comment too. : )
Bottom line, all parents have the best of intentions, we’re not perfect. All parents have guilt-o-meters and knowing what spikes or reduces it wil help make parenthood more enjoyable!
June 21st, 2008 at 4:33 pm
One more thing, it’s not just up to parents to “control” our emotions, it is also up to society to value the importance of carework. We need better care work policies which support anyone who has the responsibility of taking care of another. Right now, the US is dismally behind other countries in that respect.
There are external and internal inducers and solutions when it comes to parental angst.