Comments on: Working Dads have Guilt, Too

By: Devra Renner

Devra Renner — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 16:33:22 +0000

One more thing, it’s not just up to parents to “control” our emotions, it is also up to society to value the importance of carework. We need better care work policies which support anyone who has the responsibility of taking care of another. Right now, the US is dismally behind other countries in that respect.

There are external and internal inducers and solutions when it comes to parental angst.

By: Devra Renner

Devra Renner — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 16:30:13 +0000

Avi,
What yo uwrote is exactly how we explained Daddy Guilt in our book “Mommy Guilt” dads feel it, but it’s just not labeled as “guilt” more often it is identified as frustration. Actually Mommy Guilt (and Daddy Guilt) are more like the vinagrette we pour over all the negative emotions we may have as parents. Daisy nailed it in her comment too. : )
Bottom line, all parents have the best of intentions, we’re not perfect. All parents have guilt-o-meters and knowing what spikes or reduces it wil help make parenthood more enjoyable!

By: Robyn

Robyn — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 22:27:12 +0000

It’s good to hear that it’s not just moms. Actually, my husband and I commiserate often about how we BOTH wish we could spend every waking minute with our daughter. This feeling is by no means unique to moms. My daughter’s dad would LOVE to be a SAHD, honestly even more than I would want to be a SAHM. Our salaries are about equal, but if I could make enough money to pay the bills, he would be an amazing stay at home dad.

By: Avi Spivack

Avi Spivack — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:36:34 +0000

And a great response, Lee; I neglected to include that aspect of The Guilt - the financial one. Even though my wife has always been the main breadwinner, finances have always been an issue, and if I had taken a different path and could make more money, perhaps, she would not be as stressed and could work less (I don’t think either one of us could be stay-at-home parents). But remind me, what are the parenting “perks”?

By: Lee

Lee — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:29:16 +0000

I think my husband would wholeheartedly agree with you that dads feel The Guilt, too. He also feels some additional guilt about my being a working mom, I think (as in, if he made more money I might stay home or work part-time or whatever).

It’s a tough racket for all of us, I guess. Good thing the parenting perks outweigh the hard stuff, right?? Great post.

By: Veronica

Veronica — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 03:43:16 +0000

Actually men get custody fairly often. Judges are sometimes more willing to let men work and juggle parenting than women. I think it depends on which state as the laws are all based in the state.

BUT…nice points on the daddy guilt thing. My hubby suffers the same “envy” over the bond I have with my daughter. Althou, she’s totally a daddy’s girl. So much so that when he mentioned that he might have to start working more nights, she gave him a look that would had sent me to the unemployment window.

By: Avi Spivack

Avi Spivack — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:49:58 +0000

Thank you, Daisy. And ours is already opinionated about which clothes she wants to wear (age 4) and I already see her as a teen, and I am deathly afraid. But you raised an interesting point about bonding - how do we as parents evolve our “bonding” time; at 4, an afternoon at the zoo works, but what will work when she’s 9, 13, 18?

By: Daisy

Daisy — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:35:48 +0000

Guilt is a complex emotion. It includes envy, longing, wishing, and more. It goes beyond the standard tool for bonding with a daughter: shoe shopping. (Mine was into shoes already at age 4.)