I was raised in a very unconventional family, especially when compared to my friends in middle school (a private school that I attended on financial assistance). It was there where nearly all of my friends were picked up by their mothers or nannies/housekeepers (full-time, live-in, of course). And then, they all went back to their large, suburban, single-family homes.
And then there was me and my brother: our father (not mother) drove up in his slightly rickety van, which frequently had a ladder or two on top - depending on which jobsite he happened to be working that day - and we would go back to our more urban multi-family house (on whose street I was mugged at age 11).
Well, the times they are a changin’…
Next week, my family will be moving into one of the very suburban neighborhoods that my grade-school classmates once called home, where I never thought I would find myself. And it is at once exciting and curious - certainly a grand departure from my parents’ life (though they are staunchly happy folk).
Now don’t get me wrong, my family was not poor by any stretch, but we were just unconventional - my father had his own construction business, so he was the one who did the carpooling, cooking, etc. while my mother worked at her office all day, sometimes very long days. And this was in complete contrast to most of my private-school cronies; of course, once I hit public high school, the equation changed and nearly all of my classmates’ mothers worked as well.
And that sense of equality was relieving to me. I didn’t like living in a world where everyone was notably wealthier than my family and that I seemed to be the odd one out: I remember one time I went to a classmate’s Bar Mitzvah wearing pants (khakis) that my mother said would be fine, but I was teased because they were not dressy enough (I LOVED seventh grade) and I made my mother take me to Brooks Brothers the next day so I could wear an outfit to the next country-club bash that was tease-proof.
And yet, we will be moving into one of the least expensive homes in our new neighborhood, where our new neighbors will surely pull in larger paychecks and drive more cars, and go to exotic vacation destinations. I bet many of the wives will not work while their financier/lawyer/doctor husbands make the moola - and it may very well feel like I am back where I grew up, except in some sort of bizarro way because we are not “poor” by any stretch, but we also ain’t rich like many of our fellow suburbanites.
So I wonder what will happen, whether we’ll feel uncomfortable; whether I will feel awkward talking to the multi-millionaire down the street, even though our kids will be in the same kindergarten class. Basically, as the divide between rich and poor grows, so does the divide between well-off (not really “rich”) and super-rich.
Talk to me: Do you have friends (do your kids have friends or classmates) that are notably wealthier, and is it an issue? What your thoughts here?
I grew up in that kind of a private-school, country-club setting. It’s definitely not my life now. But better off in the ’50s? Only if you were male and white, or female and white and married. I’m a woman of color. Modern-day problems notwithstanding, I’ll take 2008 over the 1950s any day.
Lylah | July 28th, 2008 at 4:09 am
We never had trouble talking to the other parents who (it was pretty clear) were very rich. They generally tried hard to avoid talking about it, since they didn’t want to stir up envy.
But this was in Cambridge MA, sometimes known locally as the People’s Republic of Cambridge, so my experience may not be typical. What have other people run into?
DLW | July 28th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
First off, props to your dad for getting you to/from school. I’m a single dad and I volunteer in my kids school, and the moms there often treat me like they assume I’m incapable. It’s funny because I’ve been running a household solo for 8 years now! (Half-time custody)
As for wealth - I’m in Silicon Valley, and there is tons of money here. I know people with billions, 100s of millions, 10s of millions, millions, and nothing at all! How you interact with them is your own choice. Just remember, every single person, no matter their wealth, shares on thing in common - we all want to be happy, and not suffer. Commune with people on that level, and it fosters compassion. And compassion is a great way to move through life.
dadshouse | July 28th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Hi Avi,
I too live in a town that is being built up. I used to feel weird driving my kids to school in a ford taurus station wagon (we have changed cars since then though, not due to this) but everyone else would be in their audis, volvos, toyota suv’s, etc. But the most important thing to me is my family, and while my husband and I are teachers, I love that he is home at night, and doesn’t have to travel very often. I think it keeps us more down to earth too, and it keeps me in check regarding thinking I’m better than others because of what I have. I like not having a huge house or a very expensive car. And I”m proud of who we are.
Tracy Popolizio | August 1st, 2008 at 12:50 am
Hi Avi,
Oh boy — I could so relate to your post.
My husbands does most of the chauffering since he has a very flexible job, can work at home, and an office 5 minutes from our home/school. My work elevates our income, but I find in our upper-class suburb that status in on the husband’s income & the wife being a “stay at home” Mom, which I did when our kiddo was younger.
Now that she is in middle school, and notices “stuff” more than when younger she has come out & said “Why don’t you pick me up at school, like the other Moms?”
Of course, I feel very guilty. Not being able to leave work and commute an hour home at 2 pm to pick her up from school in the afternoon.
On the other hand, I feel guilty. Not being able to pay for all of the extra activities and extras that my working provides.
And, I feel guilty once more. For not having the spic & span showhome & yard that the other Moms are able to furnish, clean & maintain.
This doesn’t even touch upon the more complex issues of what type of role model, as a woman, that I want to provide!
Shouldn’t we model, to some extent, work for the sake of it’s own reward as a rewarding and fulfilling role for women who don’t love a more domestic existence?
Unfortunately, these days the divide between the ultra rich and those of us who are merely “comfortable” is becoming wider & wider. We have actually moved once from the most affluent community in our area to the neighboring town that is one step down economically, but I’m afraid we traded off a superior school district in doing so — in our area, the main reason for a suburban local (as well as crime).
I often look in the rear-view mirror and bemoan not pursuing a career as a professor — I think collegiate neighborhoods are the best mix, since professors are notoriously underpaid but college communitites offer a good balance of the positives without a pardigm where shame is not driving a Lexus or BMW (or, just a year ago, a Range Rover or Suburban!). Of course now, even Texas is embracing “green”.
I won’t even mention the fact that we were the only house in neighborhood voting for John Kerry in the last election! Certain income brackets cling to self-interest and the Republican party.
OK — getting to the point of TMI, but let’s just say your post certainly struck a nerve here!
Let’s hope things change in the coming decade as we all awaken from the hangover of the past one!
MoneyMom | August 16th, 2008 at 3:15 am
Hi Avi! I had a similar experience to you in private school, and while I was lucky to not feel marginalized by my classmates, although I did track the cultural & $$$ differences, felt jealous, etc. I think the more sheltered kids in your new ‘hood could probably learn a lot from your “unconventional” family &its equality (not to mention your own kids!!) Stay true to that, and to the love of your family, and everyone will benefit!
christine | August 17th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I worry about this with my son, too. He goes to a private preschool and pretty much everyone there drives BMW’s and Mercedes. I have a Montero Sport. We placed him in the school because it was the only daycare that was actually registered as a private school that goes through elementary school that accepts infants. We went to regular daycares in our area and they were horrible so we opted to pay the extra money and send him there. At his age, none of the kids care.
Oceans Mom | August 29th, 2008 at 2:53 pm