So my wife’s fourteen-wanna-be-eighteen-year-old cousin came to visit this past week from Florida. As an older guy who is not his own father, he does idolize me a tad, largely because I can play basketball with him. I have known him since he was three or four, having joined my wife’s family around that time, so I’ve watched him grow in sporadic fits, only seeing him once or twice a year. And, of course, I remember my own growth when I was a wee lad up until his current age, when I, too, was a know-it-all, pubescent, attention-seeking male.
Oh, the horror.
So he has come to visit every year, but somehow, this was the year when it all changed.
Why, you ask?
Because this was the year when I found out that he was no longer a virgin. And he’s FOURTEEN.
This was the time when I found out that all his “dude” friends smoke or deal weed. (And I quote: “We have the best weed in Florida. If you came to visit, I would show you the best time.”)
This was the time when I saw his MySpace page and the pages of his 447 friends (He lists 17 as his age.)
And as I take all of this in - the girls he’s hitting on, the blunts he’s smoking, the apathy he’s projecting - all I can think of is: My daughter will soon be in the company of guys like this and I am absolutely petrified.
I have begun doing serious research into homeschooling.
And perhaps one of these will come in handy.
But, of course, we cannot stop the flow of time. One day - very soon, sooner than we want - our daughter will be there, a teenager, or even a “pre-teen” and we will have to have the drinking and smoking and sex talks. So basically I just want to freeze time because all the things that we think are difficult now as parents, that all goes out the window when you start talking about sex and drugs.
Above all, it scares me because I can still remember my own teenagehood (and some of it more vividly than I’d like) and it is frightening to think of trying to parent your own child through those tumultuous years.
Thank you for listening. I hope I can sleep tonight.
What do you think: If you have younger kids, does teenagerhood scare you? And if you have or had teenagers, how did it go?
I’m a parent of three teenage boys (15, 17 and 19). Our family has also homeschooled for the past 10 years.
While there are a lot of kids out there like your cousin, many teens are not into having sex at age 14 or doing drugs.
Drugs and sex are certainly out there - no matter where your kids go to school (homeschooling doesn’t prevent that exposure unless you keep the kids locked up!).
My husband and I have been very open with our sons about life - including sex, drugs and alcohol. If they do decide to become sexually active, we have taught them how to do so safely. They are vividly aware of the dangers of drugs and alcohol abuse because several family members/friends have abused them (and recovered).
I have never approached raising teens with fear - know what is out there, be truthful to your kids, share your own experiences with them (if possible). Keep the lines of communication open and do not judge them if they make mistakes.
Karen | August 16th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
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If parenting was an Olympic event… - The 36-Hour Day - Work It, Mom! | August 18th, 2008 at 4:02 am
I am raising a 16-year old son and a 14-year old daughter. There is reason to be petrified in one sense. Teenagers are curious and exploratory by nature. Their means to accomplish this is now very publicly through technology rather than the local hangout or dirty mags. The one glance at MySpace, Facebook or MyYearbook will show you that. What is amazing to me is the lack of parental response we have seen from other teen parents. Half the parents don’t even check to see if their kids have profiles and have their heads in the sand, and the other half think it is fun. Everyone is too busy to notice or trying to be their kids friends to understand not only the dangers of it all, but also the fact that these teens are creating a very damaging public record for themselves that will come back and bite them…hard. Teenagers no longer have private bedrooms, they have 24/7 communication centers with the world. Most adults have filters, they don’t. They have adrenalin rushes and get caught up in the moment. We are giving them the very tools to bring strangers into our home, to access those dealers and to permanently damage their public reputation, with no serious guidance or monitoring. Just hoping that they will use it responsibly even though we and our teens face very serious consequences if they don’t.
Instant Mom | August 19th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Avi,
Banish these fears from your mind. Mia will have her own challenges but you be prepared to deal with them. I do have three teenage sons and the type of “trouble” they cause is so minor….senseless mess, yesterday leaving the house wide open including the screen door (for hours), homework procrastination. All manageable. Public schools too. Maybe we are lucky, so I don’t judge anyone whose kids go off the rails. There is some randomness to all of this. But, you can and will do it.
Jules PIeri | August 19th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
my 4.5 year old son recently announced that his friend Michelle is his “girlfriend.”
“Everybody has a girlfriend, mommy,” he said.
I am still shocked about this. I posting a question about this to get help from other moms or dads.
Vera Babayeva | August 21st, 2008 at 4:04 am
Luckily, I have about 12 years to go to strategize how to stop this from happening with my son!!
However, I am terrified. I was the teenager that you would not want to have. I look at how I was a pray that my son does not do the things that I did.
I have gone over and over in my head to figure out why I did so many stupid things, hung out with the wrong crowd, and did things that would make any parent have a heart attack on the spot. (Of course, I was a master of getting away with everything!) Most of it had to with self-esteem issues stemming from my parents and my upbringing. The thing is, that most parents don’t realize that this can happen to any kid, not just poor kids, My parents were far from poor and so were the parents of the kids I hung out with. The self-esteem, and problem solving skills that you build in your child are key. The only thing that I can do is analyze myself to see what happened so that I don’t make the same mistakes.
To be honest, most of the older parents that I know who were completely wild and reckless in their youth - but changed their ways as adults - have the most well behaved, responsible, productive teens! I think that if you can relate to all the craziness that goes on as a teenager, that you do stand a good chance in preventing any of this fro happening to your daughter.
Oceans Mom | August 28th, 2008 at 2:12 pm