As a follow-on to Nigel Marsh’s interview, which I posted a few days ago, following is his first (hopefully of many) guest blog posts. I reacted strongly the first time I read it, and I am very curious what your reactions will be.

Enjoy!

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My father only hit me once. I deserved it. I was being an idiot.

I now have four young children of my own and I have never hit them.

Actually, that last sentence is a lie.

There was an incident 9 months ago, which I’m still guilty and shamed about that I would like (?) to share. Perhaps someone out there will have some good advice for me…

It had been a particularly hard and stressful day at work. I got home later than usually and my wife Kate was clearly nearing the end of her tether. She immediately asked me to take all four of the kids to the park. I didn’t really want to but I could see she needed a break so I agreed.

Now, at the best of times getting my kids ready to go out can be a tiresome chore, but today was a new record. It took an age just to get all their shoes on. They argued about who would take the dog. Eve (one of my twin daughters started crying as Harry (my younger son) pinched her. I had asked them to go to the bathroom before we left yet when we got out the door, Alex (my other son) said he needed to go - then they all said they needed to, so we had to go back inside. When we got inside the phone rang - it was the office saying they really needed to speak to me. I told them I would call back in 5 minutes. I got the kids outside again only for it to start raining, forcing us all inside once more to find and put on coats. They were bickering and whining. My patience was starting to wear thin…

When I eventually got them to the park I sat on a bench and put my head in my hands. I just wanted to calm myself and collect my thoughts before calling the office like I had promised.

A hand tugged at my sleeve. “Dad?” one of my young daughters said.

“Not now sweetheart, Daddy’s resting, just give me a minute,” I said without looking up.

“Daaad,” the voice went again.

“Leave me a second,” I muttered.

“Dadddyyyyeeee” the voice whined with another tug on my sleeve.

“If you don’t give Daddy a minute I’m going to lose my temper,” I said - head still in my hands.

“Daaadddyyyeeee,” the voice said again this time, with three quite violent tugs on my arm.

“Oh for the love of God would you just give me some bloody peace for one minute!” I shouted as I grabbed my daughter and smacked her on the back of her leg.

It was my daughter Grace. She looked at me with trusting incomprehension and a trembling lower lip and said: “Daddy, I’ve picked you a flower to cheer you up.”

Sure enough she was holding a daisy in her hand.

Brilliant - she had picked me a flower to cheer me up and I’d repaid her by hitting her.

I tell this story because the gap between how I want to be as a parent and how I actually am can be terrifyingly wide.

I wonder if I am alone?

Nigel Marsh is a working father. He is also a renowned speaker and author of the terrible excellent book Fat, Fired and Forty. Do dive in to his highly candid interview where he essentially says we’re all going to hell.

1. Please use three adjectives to describe yourself.

Enthusiastic, Loving (you asked me to be candid so I thought I’d spare you any bullsh*t, false modesty, or British reserve), and Uncertain.

2. Please tell us a bit about your family - number of kids and ages.

Been married for 15 years to Kate. We’ve four kids - Alex 12, Harry 9, Grace and Eve (identical twins) 7.

3. What do you do professionally, for how long, and do you enjoy it? What about your wife?

I am the Chairman of Leo Burnett Australia - a communications company which has an office in both Melbourne and Sydney(its an American firm whose HQ is in Chicago). I’ve been in the communications industry for 20 years. In recent years I have also started writing and speaking on the conference circuit. I enjoy all 3 roles. My wife used to do the same job as me until I ruined her career, figure and confidence by getting her pregnant three times in quick succession. She is now a full-time mom and homemaker.

4. Talk to us about your own work-life balance as well as how you and your wife manage the joys of parenthood and couplehood (or chaos, whichever you prefer).

I’ve come to believe work-life balance is not about achieving perfection; it’s about making intelligent choices. At this stage in our marriage our roles are relatively clearly defined - I make the money, Kate looks after the house and kids. We try and do this in a way that means I still spend significant meaningful time with both the kids and each other as a couple, but the truth is we have fairly traditional or ‘old fashioned’ roles.

5. You don’t have a typical 9-5 office job - does that make things easier and more flexible? How does a typical day in your family unfold? How did it work before you were fat, forty, and fired?

My not having a traditional office job makes it enormously easier to be a proper part of the family. Each morning I get the kids up and take all four of them to school, then spend an hour helping Kate with the chores. This would have been unthinkable before. I then work until 4:45 when I rejoin the family. My evenings then basically involve 3 things: (1) helping Kate with ‘Arsenic hour;’ (2) doing kids stories and putting them to bed; and (3) having an hour and a half of rampant, filthy sex (one of the last three things isn’t true).

Before I was Fat, Forty and Fired my routine was simple: get up at 6am, shout at kids and argue with Kate, leave for work at 6:30am, come back from work at 8:30pm, shout at kids and argue with Kate, go to bed drunk, get up at 6am and do it all again.

6. What is the most difficult thing about life as a father?

Uncertainty. I want to do the right thing but I find it so hard to know what the right thing is. For example only last month I read a book by a supposed expert saying you should slowly and lovingly introduce alcohol into your kids lives in the safe home environment at an early age. I then went to a talk by another so called expert who said 47% of kids who are introduced to alcohol by their parents before age 14 develop a dependency on alcohol as adults versus 7% for those whose parents didn’t let them drink at home until the legal age.

7. What is the one piece of advice you’d give to a new father?

Surrender. Both to your new role and to the inevitable mistakes you will make. There is no point in pretending that your life will carry on as it was before: it wont. There is also no point in hoping you wont make mistakes: you will.

8. What is the one thing you could not do without on a daily basis?

The support,companionship, and advice of Kate.

9. What is one thing you wish you could change about your current situation?

Money. I have no complaints and indeed believe that the struggle to provide for your loved ones is part of the joy of life, BUT that is not to say I wouldn’t mind a lazy million falling into my lap…

10. Loaded question: Do you think fathers don’t get enough cred(ibility)?

Without a shadow of a doubt. They are totally unappreciated and portrayed terribly by the media. It’s as if real men go to the office for 10 hours a day, cut costs, talk rubbish about shareholder value, and sleep with their PA’s while Dads who actually prioritize their families are part-time lightweights who wet their beds and can’t deliver double-digit growth and enhanced margins. I believe we are all going to hell in a handbasket if we don’t sort this out. There is a creeping soul rot in our society that subtly encourages men to chase and stay in fundamentally unhealthy patterns of behaviour.

***If all goes according to plan, Nigel will be guest-blogging for us soon; please drop a note to let us know on what topic you’d like him to write.

Neal Pollack IS the ever-elusive Hipster Dad, or so he claims. He has penned the mighty book Alternadad
(link to Amazon) and he writes a great blog, which you can check out by clicking here. Warning that the blog’s rosy title is “The Continuing Adventures Of An American Family In Hipster Parenting Paradise.”

I will let his answers to my very invasive questions speak for themselves, but please sound off on what you think about all of this parenting stuff.

1. Please use three adjectives to describe yourself.

Hmm. Aging Jewish Psuedo-Hipster? Self-absorbed libidinous rabble-rouser? Are those adjectives? How about well-meaning, cranky househusband?

2. Please tell us a bit about your family - number of kids and ages.

I have one son, Elijah, aged 4 and a half. My wife Regina and I also have two Boston Terriers.

3. What do you do professionally, for how long, and do you enjoy it? What about your wife?

She’s a painter and I’m a writer. I’ve been writing professionally for more than 15 years, and I couldn’t imagine another way of making a living. I don’t even know if I’d be capable of making a living any other way. As for my wife, I think she’d enjoy having more time to pursue her actual artwork. We’re trying to get to that point.

4. Talk to us about your own work-life balance as well as how you and your wife manage the joys of parenthood and couplehood (or chaos, whichever you prefer).

Well, we both have work spaces in the house, and are both used to working at home, and in proximity to each other and our kid. But I think we’d both like more time. The major challenge, with my work being in the house, is staying away from the work when it’s supposed to be “family time.” That said, sometimes I can blow off work during supposed work time to have family time. The fluidity may not be ideal, but I’m used to it.

5. You don’t have a typical 9-5 office job - does that make things easier and more flexible? How does a typical day in your family unfold?

Sometimes I wish my life had more structure, but I’ve had a flexible schedule for so long that I think I’d be miserable within a week. We usually are all up by 8 AM, and then we take the kid to school. Depending on who’s doing the chauffering, we get anywhere between five and a half and seven hours to work. A couple of days a week, a babysitter picks Elijah up from school, which adds another 6-7 hours to our workweek.

6. What is the most difficult thing about life as a father?

No one could have prepared me for all the paperwork. Also, seeing your kid in pain, or even afraid of pain, is no fun.

7. What is the one piece of advice you’d give to a new father?

Make any sacrifices and compromises necessary for the welfare of your kid, but never give up who you are. That’s a mistake that leads to a lot of unhappiness and regret.

8. What is the one thing you could not do without on a daily basis?

I really like a cup of tea when I wake up in the morning.

9. What is one thing you wish you could change about your current situation?

I’d like to live in a slightly nicer house.

10. Loaded question: Do you think fathers don’t get enough cred?

Contemporary fatherhood is changing. The old model of silent, strong provider is giving way to a new, more nurturing model. But I wouldn’t exactly say dads are underrated. In many ways, “parenthood” as it’s currently constructed is a farce. We wouldn’t be here if people hadn’t been reproducing since homo sapiens first came down from the trees. So all this talk about “parenting” is a load of bull. We’re all just getting through the days as best we can.

You can get an up-close-and-personal look at Neal and his family on their “Nightline” spot by watching it on Youtube - click here.