Okay, I’ll come out and say it: are you mothers really the only ones who can run a household, manage a family, and keep it all together?

Are we men that inept, so unnecessary at home that not a word has been mentioned about the time that Obama has to spend at home with his young daughters and all the freakin’ press in the word focuses on Palin and her five offspring?

So be warned: I am offended. Read the rest of this entry »

Did you ever see the movie Se7en? Dark, evil, and the bad guy wins. But it’s all about the seven deadly sins, and my personal favorite (yes, don’t you have a favorite sin?) is: Envy.

Flash forward from 1995 to 2008 - I am now happily married and the father of a soon-to-be four-year-old. My envies have obviously changed. Back then I was envious of the guys who could hit on the hot girls successfully and make it look easy. Now, I’m envious of the guys whose wives “baby” them. Don’t believe such a thing could be true?

Check this out (click to read).

In summary, there seem to be wives out there who think they are being more “womanly” or “wifely” by pampering their husbands to the point of basically mommy-ing them: bathing, clothing, feeding, and more! Read the rest of this entry »

NPR ran a piece last week about young men who refuse to grow up. My first thought was, that’s ME! Well, not really. But my second thought was, that’s the movie “Swingers.” (Which I loved, of course; and if you’re a guy and you didn’t like the movie, then you’re lying.)

I wrote previously about how it’s weird to be a relatively young father these days. My best friend is a perpetual bachelor and entertains me with his stories of gallivanting through Europe with a new woman in each country. And while I might have a tinge of envy for his life of liberty, he, too, has an immense desire to “settle down” and actually envies the fact that I have found the love of my life and we have a wonderful daughter and a little house in the ‘burbs…so when do we draw the line? Read the rest of this entry »

We’ve hit the movies lately (okay, fine, one was via DVR) and seen some very interesting looks at the male that I thought I would share here - from Juno and Knocked Up.

I’ll start by saying that “Juno” is easily one of the best films I have seen in awhile - truly an original, so if you haven’t seen it, go NOW. As for “Knocked Up,” it was somewhat disappointing, but being the eternal optimist that I am, I have found the silver lining within.

So how do these flicks see their Dad characters? Read the rest of this entry »

Is it really so surprising that, in a recent survey:
- 37 percent of working dads would quit if spouse could support the family
- Another 38 percent say they would take a pay cut to spend more time with kids
- 36 percent say their job does not offer flexible arrangements like telecommuting

Well, YES, actually. And here is the article for your reference. But why?

Point number one is surprising to me because, frankly, I think it’s bullsh*t. Read the rest of this entry »

Nigel Marsh is a working father. He is also a renowned speaker and author of the terrible excellent book Fat, Fired and Forty. Do dive in to his highly candid interview where he essentially says we’re all going to hell.

1. Please use three adjectives to describe yourself.

Enthusiastic, Loving (you asked me to be candid so I thought I’d spare you any bullsh*t, false modesty, or British reserve), and Uncertain.

2. Please tell us a bit about your family - number of kids and ages.

Been married for 15 years to Kate. We’ve four kids - Alex 12, Harry 9, Grace and Eve (identical twins) 7.

3. What do you do professionally, for how long, and do you enjoy it? What about your wife?

I am the Chairman of Leo Burnett Australia - a communications company which has an office in both Melbourne and Sydney(its an American firm whose HQ is in Chicago). I’ve been in the communications industry for 20 years. In recent years I have also started writing and speaking on the conference circuit. I enjoy all 3 roles. My wife used to do the same job as me until I ruined her career, figure and confidence by getting her pregnant three times in quick succession. She is now a full-time mom and homemaker.

4. Talk to us about your own work-life balance as well as how you and your wife manage the joys of parenthood and couplehood (or chaos, whichever you prefer).

I’ve come to believe work-life balance is not about achieving perfection; it’s about making intelligent choices. At this stage in our marriage our roles are relatively clearly defined - I make the money, Kate looks after the house and kids. We try and do this in a way that means I still spend significant meaningful time with both the kids and each other as a couple, but the truth is we have fairly traditional or ‘old fashioned’ roles.

5. You don’t have a typical 9-5 office job - does that make things easier and more flexible? How does a typical day in your family unfold? How did it work before you were fat, forty, and fired?

My not having a traditional office job makes it enormously easier to be a proper part of the family. Each morning I get the kids up and take all four of them to school, then spend an hour helping Kate with the chores. This would have been unthinkable before. I then work until 4:45 when I rejoin the family. My evenings then basically involve 3 things: (1) helping Kate with ‘Arsenic hour;’ (2) doing kids stories and putting them to bed; and (3) having an hour and a half of rampant, filthy sex (one of the last three things isn’t true).

Before I was Fat, Forty and Fired my routine was simple: get up at 6am, shout at kids and argue with Kate, leave for work at 6:30am, come back from work at 8:30pm, shout at kids and argue with Kate, go to bed drunk, get up at 6am and do it all again.

6. What is the most difficult thing about life as a father?

Uncertainty. I want to do the right thing but I find it so hard to know what the right thing is. For example only last month I read a book by a supposed expert saying you should slowly and lovingly introduce alcohol into your kids lives in the safe home environment at an early age. I then went to a talk by another so called expert who said 47% of kids who are introduced to alcohol by their parents before age 14 develop a dependency on alcohol as adults versus 7% for those whose parents didn’t let them drink at home until the legal age.

7. What is the one piece of advice you’d give to a new father?

Surrender. Both to your new role and to the inevitable mistakes you will make. There is no point in pretending that your life will carry on as it was before: it wont. There is also no point in hoping you wont make mistakes: you will.

8. What is the one thing you could not do without on a daily basis?

The support,companionship, and advice of Kate.

9. What is one thing you wish you could change about your current situation?

Money. I have no complaints and indeed believe that the struggle to provide for your loved ones is part of the joy of life, BUT that is not to say I wouldn’t mind a lazy million falling into my lap…

10. Loaded question: Do you think fathers don’t get enough cred(ibility)?

Without a shadow of a doubt. They are totally unappreciated and portrayed terribly by the media. It’s as if real men go to the office for 10 hours a day, cut costs, talk rubbish about shareholder value, and sleep with their PA’s while Dads who actually prioritize their families are part-time lightweights who wet their beds and can’t deliver double-digit growth and enhanced margins. I believe we are all going to hell in a handbasket if we don’t sort this out. There is a creeping soul rot in our society that subtly encourages men to chase and stay in fundamentally unhealthy patterns of behaviour.

***If all goes according to plan, Nigel will be guest-blogging for us soon; please drop a note to let us know on what topic you’d like him to write.

I don’t subscribe to “Esquire” magazine, but perhaps I should.

I am late to the game in blogging about their “Most useful” issue, which includes a series of pieces on “How to be a Good Father.” When I noticed the issue on a friend’s coffee table, I thought it would be perfect blogging material. Well, 2 months later, here we are. Better late than never.

So, was there anything for us fathers to learn from the cornucopia of advice put forth in these snappily written essays? Much to my surprise (and yours, too, I am sure) I was touched.

From Tom Chiarella’s “A Wake-Up Call for New Dads:”

“The expectation of safety and normalcy? Forget that stuff. Put it out of your mind. To be a good father, you have to give up the expectation of a payoff. Forget trophies and medals. Forget report cards, even. You have to observe. You have to listen. You are a large figure in this person’s life. No getting around that. With each year that passes, allow yourself the possibility of becoming smaller. This both protects them and teaches you.”

I must admit, I was shocked to read these words in “Esquire” - the same magazine that carries the “Women We Love” feature. It’s definitely a magazine for men, but not men who are fathers, right? We’ve outgrown the whole Esquire thing and their poster women. And yet, when Chiarella writes that having his sons is “the most quarrelsome and deep pleasure” that he has ever known. I couldn’t agree more.

Time to score me one of those cheapo subscription cards. For a buck an issue, I can definitely find some more inspiration somewhere in those pages.

What is the most surprising source of advice you’ve ever discovered?

I was a little late to the game on this article from the Boston Globe (posted for Father’s Day), but in order to prepare my personal fireworks display to celebrate our country’s independence, I have been a wee-bit busy.

The article is titled “Celebrating the hands-on dad,” and it pretty much tells you what the article will be about - no real mysteries here. What it does do is introduce us readers to a couple that has embraced “Equally Shared Parenting” (ESP for you acronym-lovers). I must admit that I did not know what this was, but it turns out we’ve been trying to practice it all along, we just never labeled it.

So check out this site - click here.

What do you think?

Is this for real?

Can both parents work part time, make ends meet, love their children, and really be happy, or do they ultimately have to give up too much professionally, personally, and all the rest?

For me, the degree of ESP that this couple practices and preaches would not work, nor do I think it could work for my wife - we have serious professional ambitions and a part-time work gig at this stage would not allow for the kind of dedication that is necessary to grow.

I am very curious to know if this is more a man thing, or if professional heights can only be reached by one or the other. Or, perhaps it’s all on how you define success.

Sound off!

Okay, as promised, here is why I hated “The Holiday:”

“I’m a full-time dad. I’m a working parent. I’m a mother and a father. I’m a guy who reads parenting books and cookbooks before I go to sleep. I spend my weekends buying tutus. I’m learning to sew. I’m Mr. Napkin Head!”

This is the way Jude Law’s character, Graham, reveals to his love interest, Amanda (Cameron Diaz), that he is a widowed father of two girls. And all of that would be fine, but “bollocks” as the Brits like to say, do they have to make him so darn perfect?

I mean, yes, I know he is Jude Law, and yes, it is a cheesy, Nancy Meyers movie, but the massive discrepancy between what he says - the tonnage, the totality, the earth-shattering reality of being a single father - versus how he looks (dashingly relaxed and well-rested), would indicate that this could only be a movie, which has rampantly distorted the reality of parenthood.

Before you get all up in arms, yes, the first time I saw the movie, I sorta liked it. But after I chewed on it for awhile afterward, I realized that the Graham character really annoyed me because his reality of a single dad was so horribly wrong and impossible and blatantly picturesque.

And my annoyance itself annoyed me because I love movies and I love being enveloped in movies and not caring how Hollywood they get (unless they are dripping with sap); but because I know what it’s like (and how hard it is) to be half of a parenting duo, this glossy portrayal of the British professor banging Cameron Diaz while sewing costumes, making hot cocoa, playing dumb characters, supposedly cooking and building elaborate sleeping tents for his two daughters is just rubbish (to subtly use another British term).

I may be taking this all a little too seriously and a little too far, but as far as movies go, I would rather watch the under-rated Michael Keaton struggle through his life in “Mr. Mom” because at least the idealism is stripped away.

It’s funny, I guess I don’t mind the ultra-fantasy flicks where some smooth-talking hot guy picks up the hot chick, or some guy jumps over a building, but when the subject matter hits so close to home, I prefer not being lied to.

On the heels of my inaugural post, it seems that the question I posed has been answered: There is a fine collection of other pops out there who feel that we, the fatherly clan, are indeed under-represented. And (drumroll please) the media powers that be have even bestowed the very boring “Dad Lit” label on the recent emergence of father-written books. (You likely saw Judith Warner’s post on this topic in the NY Times.)

So, of course, I have to weigh in here.

First of all, why oh why, do we need labels for everyone and everything? I understand it makes it easier for everyone to reference, but to categorize all of this writing as “Dad Lit” is quite silly. Is “Dad Lit” any book written by a father? Or does it have to focus on the nature of being a father and all of the baggage that comes with it? Warner references a collection of recent works (none of which I have yet read, cover to cover), and all of them do discuss fatherhood, so it would seem us parents of the male gender do want to be heard. We have our own set of issues and we don’t necessarily want it to be all about the mom (even though the mom does all of the initial “work.”)

Warner - in her typical candor - writes of the fact that she is actually surprised when she ends up identifying with these fathers and their experiences. But it is then interesting to read the myriad of comments from her readers, many of whom were offput by some of these mens’ writings (and it would appear that most of these comments are by women). [I am hoping to corral Neil Pollack, author of the now highly publicized Alternadad and pseudo-leader of the "Hipster Parent" movement (more on this in a future post), to do an interview for this here blog, to get a sense of what he thinks about all this.]

I find this whole literary emergence very intriguing, and as a father, I am very happy to see the media (and our culture as a whole?) begin to recognize fathers as important - because, let’s be honest, even a few decades ago, we certainly were not.

So, talk to me, besides the plumbing, what are the real differences between mom and dad - are there inherent parental instincts that women have and men don’t? Are we perhaps in the midst of a societal transformation where dads are becoming more central to the actual parenting part of the job?

Let me know what you think, and I’ll share my own story next time.