Work It, Dad!

The sick-family circus

Avi Spivack — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:21:07 +0000

From Mom/Kid to Me.

That’s how it went, and pretty quickly, too.

I was dumb to think that I could pound 5,000 mg of Vitamin C every day and avoid it, and now here I sit, sniffling on the couch, sucking a Cold-eeze, coughing up small insects, and counting the minutes until I will pop my two nightly Nyquil (oh greenies, how I love thee!).

At least I have Monday Night Football in HD.

So normally, this particular bout of family sickness would not have been an issue: we would juggle the mornings, afternoons, or whatever, while sick kid slowly recovered (thankfully, this was just a chest cold), and played the “work from home” card.

Of course, last week I was on a business trip, wife and kid were both sick, and then wife had crazy work stuff to do so I stayed home for 2 days, and (drumroll please) this would be the first test as to whether my new job (which is now 6 weeks old) would live up to its promise as “family-friendly.”

The verdict?

I am still employed. (thank you, thank you, I’m here all week).

In all seriousness, the billing stayed true: I emailed my team, told them I would be home, and not a peep, all good. (by the way, I should own Leap Frog stock, and whoever invented wi-fi should win a Nobel).

Uh-oh, coughing child…time for Benadryl?

How do you cope now that the Northeast’s cold/flu season is officially hitting us HARD?

Working fathers want more time with their kids (um, duh)

Avi Spivack — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:53:03 +0000

And you wonder why we get a bad rap?

Men are workaholics. Men/Dads would rather run off to work than spend time with their children. Fathers aren’t *real* parents.

Check out this article from The Guardian, whose first line is: “Working fathers are struggling to juggle the competing demands of family and career, according to a report that shows that they are just as uneasy with their work-life balance as mothers.”

Is that really a surprise to anyone?

“The report…suggests that the long-running debate over the pressures experienced by working mothers, who strive to “have it all” – children and careers – is just as relevant to working fathers.”

My response? Duh.

Plain and simple: if you have two working parents in a household, it will - bar none - be a struggle for both parents to make life work. For it to be *news* that fathers want to see their kids and have to deal with work stigmas and all the other crap is - frankly - a bunch of crap. This is non-news.

Will there ever be “balance” between work and family? No way. Will there ever be true parity in responsibilities? I say hells no.

Perhaps I am a primitive being, but tell me you have true equality and I will drop to my knees and bow.

You divide the work. You do the best you can to balance. But if both parents work, there will inevitably be a constantly shifting scale. If you have the option for one spouse to not work, the division of labor is very clear, and in the majority of cases, that is the mother (though the number of stay-at-home dads is growing, slowly).

But I think this “study” - while somewhat admirable for pointing out that us men actually deal with the work-home balance thing too - shows that we still view us dads as secondary; and perhaps we are, but please, don’t tell me that these are somehow shocking results.

What I would like to see is a study that polls employees across a broad range of industries and that honestly elicits the truth about how “flexible” or “parent-friendly” each company is. Many firms sell themselves to employees as flexible, but once you’re in the door, it becomes a different story.

This whole issue is less about who has more guilt or deals with more bull, and it’s really about whether our employers are enabling the possibility of a closer balance between work and achieving a fulfilling home life (or maybe just a “sane” one).

Would love your thoughts on this issue - has anyone figured it out yet?

The grandparent dilemma

Avi Spivack — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 01:07:22 +0000

So when we decided to leave New York City and move to Boston (where I grew up), it was a decision that we had discussed for quite awhile, but it finally made sense…we thought.

We LOVED New York, but once our daughter arrived, all of the city’s allure was diminished. And basically every other week, one of the two sets of Boston-based grandparents drove down and lived in our 800 square feet for the whole weekend so they could ooh and aah over their new grand-daughter.

Or we had to rent a car and drive up to Boston for some family function - you probably know the drill.

So, when we decided that staying in NYC was not really a financially sustainable location for the long term, we actually thought moving to Chapel Hill, North Carolina, was the answer: we knew a bunch of ex-NYCers there, good job community, affordable housing, good schools, and very nice weather year-round…perfect, right?

Well, when we told the grandparents that we were thinking about moving to a city where they would likely have to get on a plane to see their grand-daughter…let’s just say it didn’t go over so well. And we then decided that moving to Boston - where both sets of grandparents and one set of great-grandparents all live - was the right move.

And now, you ask?

Now we are both thrilled to have them all so close, that our daughter has relationships with all of them, that we celebrate together, and they do provide free babysitting…waiting for the “but”?

The “but” is that we now have to juggle them, make sure there’s some level of equanimity between them for how much/often they see our daughter…and the balancing act is on!

So I’m not complaining here because I know we are lucky to have everyone around, but sometimes it does have its downfalls…

What’s your grandparent situation and does it work out for you?

The pressures of conformity

Avi Spivack — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:44:53 +0000

I used to think - ignorantly - that the horrendous social pressures that plagued me through (some of) middle school, (most of) high school, and (part of) college would somehow ease up when I became a (pseudo) adult and entered the world of office-spaces, schools, and general parenthood.

But I think it might be worse.

I started a new job recently and I have found myself wearing button-down shirts because that’s what most of my male colleagues wear. (Though I do leave mine untucked, purposefully).

Our daughter is the only only-child in her Kindergarten class and I keep on wondering if we’re doing something wrong…

And then there’s just all kinds of crap around being the right/wrong/middling type of parent, and the car you drive, and whether mom works, and all of this suburban BS that I would much rather not even THINK about.

But here I am, 10:38 PM, EST, pondering our family’s suburban station in the community, and I can only guess that it might be getting worse…

How do you deal with the conformities of your community?

Cleaning up vomit and other fun activities

Avi Spivack — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 18:05:15 +0000

Ah, all of those enjoyable and delightful tasks that no one ever really warned you about when telling you just how much more love would permeate our home once we brought our beautiful child into this beautiful world.

Granted, our daughter has brought forth an unending stream of love and silliness and joy and laughter and now seems completely prepared for teenagehood, as a kindergartner.

But I don’t recall the warnings about vomit cleanup (or any other excreted substances, for that matter).

I mean, folks were quick to point out that I would be tired all the time and feel sick a lot; true, true. But this vomit-cleanup thing, don’t recall it.

And I’m talking about that chunky, healthy, too-big-for-the-drain puke. The real stuff. I’m talking about needing to double-wash the clothes and the sheets and the stuffed animal and blankie she won’t sleep without (that has retained that vomit odor a full 48 hours after the fact). Please do excuse my slightly graphic writings, but I really wanted you to get some “local color” as they say in comparative literature courses.

So at what point do we - the parents - get the deserved appreciation or payback; ever?

Not that I want a ticker tape parade, but will we ever feel that the endless nights we stay awake, and the butt-wiping and cooking and cleaning and overall devotion to their well-being; is the sheer joy of parenthood just so darn immense that we do all of this because our little ones are just so precious that it’s *worth* it?

Yeah, it probably is.

Back to Work

Avi Spivack — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 15:20:56 +0000

What is worse than the day you go back to the office after an 8-day vacation?

Seriously, can you come up with anything?

The overloaded inbox, the caffeine rush (from the six pre-office coffees that I downed), the “how was your trip” conversations, the catch-up on office gossip, the missed meetings, the missed calls, the eighteen voicemails to delete (who talks on the phone anymore anyway?), and the disapproving looks from co-workers to whom you did not return with a gift (I brought a few “close” colleagues some dark chocolate and had to hide the fact from others).

Not to mention the return to the ghastly food court, the “gray” (literal and metaphorical) cubicle, the need to not eat because I just spent 8 days eating and not exercising, the recurring thoughts that your colleagues have rummaged through the personal effects on your desk, and the return to the desk where you forgot to get rid of endless papers that now crowd your computer and your mental productivity space.

Sigh.

Time for a lunch break; maybe I’ll go get some $6 Chinese in one of those non-eco-friendly styrofoam containers that always has sauce sneaking out of the cracks and inevitably gets all over your hand.

Did I mention that I need a post-vacation vacation?

How I earned a PhD in Dishwashing

Avi Spivack — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 01:01:20 +0000

I hate to brag (really), but I just loaded the dishwasher with more dishes than I could count.

And not just the regular dishes, I’m talkin about mixing bowls, spatulas, tongs, different-sized plates, and all kinds of glassware. It was a work of art.

Guess what else?

I can sort the recycling into metal/glass and paper, bagged and into the green box in under 7 minutes.

You want an onion diced? A knife sharpened? A can of corn opened (but without the top actually detached from the base)?

Done, done, and done.

Basically, I can look at a sink full of dirty dishes, food scraps, All-Clad pots, and silverware, and know exactly the most optimal order in which to wash them/load the dishwasher. Can you?

Unfortunately, I don’t have a secret to offer you, or to share with your husbands. It’s a skill that I have developed over the years.

Of course, back in our first New York apartments we didn’t even have a dishwasher, so it was all about speed-washing. Now I guess I’m spoiled. (Hint: always use powder-based detergent, not the liquid - I prefer Cascade Complete). I also recommend Method’s Granite cleaner, and Swiffer Wet for the kitchen floor.

All of this to say: since my cooking skills only extend to following recipes, I have been forced to perfect my kitchen-cleaning skillset.

Who cleans your kitchen?

When was your last real vacation?

Avi Spivack — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 00:53:26 +0000

So we’re up in the White Mountain area of New Hampshire, fulfilling the year-long desire of our daughter to visit Storyland (for those of you who don’t live in New England, it’s basically a small-fry amusement park replete with a variety of scenes from classic fairy tales - Humpty Dumpty, The Old Lady in the Shoe, etc.).

Basically, if you have a child above 36 inches tall, you must visit.

We spent the day in the park with our friends, seeking out the thrills (my favorite was the “Polar Coaster“) and trying to stay in the shade; we came home, hit the pool in the July sun, and I was thinking that this was a nice little summer weekend “kid vaca.”

As we had dinner at a local restaurant, we ended up talking about vacations and how frequently we’ve been able to go - with/without, pre/post kids.

Morale: Boy, travel was so much easier pre-offspring.

So, tell me: what are your summer plans and when was your last REAL vaca?

Work or Family?

Avi Spivack — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:30:00 +0000

So it’s probably bad luck to talk about something until it happens, but it’s on my mind so I’ll share it anyway.

Right now I have a well-paying job with a flexible schedule and boss and I can leave around 5 and can subsequently enjoy some pre-bedtime family-fun-time (as well as mostly work-free weekends and occasional - but not burdensome - travel).

I have an opportunity with another firm that would likely entail many more hours and more money (but not a huge amount more). I don’t have this other job yet, but as I ruminate the possibility of this new job, I begin to wonder if a slightly increased salary is worth probably missing out on time with my family, especially my daughter, who hits the hay around 7 on schoolnights.

My initial reaction is absolutely not. Our daughter is still at that magical age where she thinks I’m funny all the time and having a nighttime dance party with her and my wife beats out anything else I could ever be doing.

It’s the new-age question: work or family? (And some studies point to a shift in priorities…but money is still important, right? And so is my longer-term career…)

So, I will head off to my interviews with these conflicting thoughts swirling around, unsure what to do IF I actually get the job.

I’ll keep y’all posted.

Any advice?

Am I smarter as a Father?

Avi Spivack — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:16:35 +0000

Holy cannolis!

Call off the dogs. The gig is up. The show is over.

It is now scientifically proven that fathers are smarter than non-fathers - go forth and procreate!

Well, maybe…take a look at this and tell me what you think.

“Loving a woman and fathering her children changes a man’s body and brain in ways that make him more canny and resourceful,” Kuchinskas writes, “while improving his ability to handle stress…”

Very interesting indeed.

Okay, so the successful union of sperm and egg did not actually make me a smarter homo sapiens, but my brain has now been supposedly altered so that I am now more “canny and resourceful.”

Really, how so?

“In humans, studies have found that married men have lower levels of the hormone testosterone, while new fathers exhibit higher levels of prolactin. Both of these conditions positively influence a father’s parenting skills by increasing his sympathy and motivation to help his offspring.”

So I am supposed to be more sympathetic and be motivated to “help” my offspring. Gotta say I’m not really buyin’ this whole science/brain/hormone thing. I have been pretty darn motivated ever since her little head popped out, not sure I’ve become more sympathetic or inclined to help, but hormones are indeed a powerful force.

The coolest part is that “…a study by the Wisconsin National Primate Research Center suggests that lower testosterone could actually be triggered by a newborn baby’s smell.”

And that I believe: the moment I smelled her for the first time, I knew that life would never be the same.

What do you think - has your man become more sympathetic since the birth of your offspring?