One of his basic points — which the blog post at Jezebel also points out — is that working women need to juggle less, outsource more, and learn how to focus on the moment vs always having several tracks running in their heads. (As in, making a shopping list during a work meeting.) At first look, it makes a lot of sense. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that I have too many things I feel I need to do on a daily basis — from getting work done to buying my daughter’s winter coat, organizing my dad’s 60th birthday party, sending a birthday gift to a friend’s newly born son, cooking dinner for the week, and so on. If had less things to juggle I would absolutely positively be less stressed and probably happier.

But here’s the deal: While it would be great to have an assistant do a bunch of these things for me, how many of us can really afford that kind of help? When we lived in New York City and I worked at an insane finance job, we had an amazing full-time nanny. In addition to taking care of our kiddo, she also frequently cooked dinner and cleaned up around the house, although we never asked her to do it. It was an enormous help and a huge, huge stress reducer, but we paid a lot of money for that kind of help and we couldn’t do this for more than a few years. Even more so, I realize how lucky we are to have the jobs that we have and know that a significant percentage of families out there simply can’t afford this kind of help.

And that’s where the outsourcing argument breaks down for me. Sure, it would be nice to get people to do the endless chores and things that none of us think are fun, but very few people out there can use their money to buy more time.

There are, however, two points that I think the author is making that are worth thinking about. The first is about doing less stuff, period. When it was our turn to bring a snack to my daughter’s preschool class last year, I frequently baked something (banana bread or muffins). But would it have been so terrible to buy something instead and save myself the hour late at night baking? No, and those are the types of trade offs I think all of us working moms need to make more often.

The second point is about focusing on the moment, the now, not the later. I’ll be the first to admit that during long work meetings I do think about what I have to get done that day at home or, on the flip side, think about something I need to do for work while making cupcakes with my daughter. I hate when my mind wonders like this and I know that when I am able to focus entirely on the moment, I feel better, I get more done, and what I am doing is done with better quality.

So what are your thoughts? What tasks/chores do you outsource to juggle less? What things have you given up doing or focusing on to leave yourself time for the more important stuff in life? Is focusing on what you’re doing at a certain moment the answer to feeling less frazzled and less stressed as a working mom?

It used to be that I felt so much working mom guilt that I literally would not leave my daughter’s side if she was awake. I’ve since replaced my mommy guilt with some separation anxiety, but it’s still a pretty pathetic reason for why, say, I don’t spend more time with my friends or catch a movie on my own on those nights when we can’t get a sitter.

My next popular excuse for not taking time for myself is that I have too much to do. When my daughter is sleeping - as she is right now, during her nap (yes, we’re lucky, she still takes a weekend nap) - run to catch up on work or cook or clean something or organize something or write a blog post or do something else on my ever-long to-do list. Am I pretty sure that reading a few chapters from a book or checking out my latest copy of In Style while nibbling on some dark chocolate would be really really really good for me right about now? Yes, but the to-dos call my name louder than my “me” time.

My other excuse might sound odd and for the most part, I’m almost over it, but here goes: On those nights when we don’t have a sitter I often feel guilty going out and leaving my husband at home. This is completely stupid, I know, especially because he has told me that much a million times. But I can’t help it. Well, I used to not be able to help it but with the help of some friends (who have literally dragged me out of the house at night) and my own rationality, I’m now much better about going out with a friend at least once during the week, after the kiddo is in bed.

Even with all my excuses, I can say that with every year, I am getting a tiny bit better about taking time to do something I enjoy. My main driver for this is the realization that my entire family — not just me — is much better off when I do this: Less cranky mom who feels that she never has time for herself = happier mom and happier family. Here are some things I’ve done for myself recently that I am writing here with only one purposes — to inspire you to do the same:

Last weekend I called up a dear friend and we met for coffee in the middle of the day on Saturday. Two hours of talking and sipping a latte literally made me feel like a fresher person. Did I feel a little tinge of guilt about not spending those two hours with my kiddo? Sure, but I needed this and I felt really good about doing it.

When my husband was away on a recent business trip I couldn’t make it to my early morning spin class. So after my daughter woke up and got dressed, I asked her to play in her room while I did a quick exercise tape. She was happy to have some fun unscheduled play time and I felt awesome after a short workout.

I used to do a bit of Japanese Sumi-e panting and still have a few paintings that I did a while back that are hanging around unframed and uncared for. Yesterday I announced to my husband that we’re going to take them to the framer and make them look nice and pretty and then hang them up around the house. This definitely cost money and will definitely fall outside of any type of necessary expense, but it’s something that will make me feel awesome so I’m deciding that it’s worth it.

So, your turn: What have you done for yourself lately? And when you don’t, what are your most frequently used excuses for not taking some time for yourself?

But I have a discovery to share, after now commuting to work for the past six months: A commute can be a very good thing. In fact, I am going to go ahead and say that I love my commute. And here’s why:

Probably the biggest commute benefit is literally having a buffer between work and home. One of the toughest work-life juggling acts for me is separating my home emotions from work and vice versa. I was just reading the blog post over at The Juggle about the emotional spillover that takes place when you get home from a bad day at work. I can confess that I am completely horrible at keeping these at bay — if I have a bad day at work, you bet that it follows me home and spills out as soon as I get there. But I’ve found that a commute does wonders for helping me digest some work emotions before I let them roam free at home. Are they all gone? Absolutely not. But much more so than when I worked from home.

My other reason for loving my commute is that it’s a chance for some “me” time. I know how sad this might sound, but trust me, I’ve heard many working mom friends say the same. Me, my car, my music, no other to-dos or conversations…. ahh, I’ll take it.

Not all commutes are created equal and I’m fully aware that mine is on the more pleasant side: 20-35 minutes (depending on traffic), and most of it on a very beautiful road along the river. I know of a few people who commute more than an hour each way and I can imagine that it can get tiring (not to mention that it takes a huge chunk of time out of their day). So I am curious: Do you enjoy your commute or is it a major hassle in your life?

Since those days we moved to Boston — a much more casual city, I find — and I now work for a software company where the office uniform is jeans with a t-shirt. (For some reason our group, myself included, are also into funky sneakers, which make our workplace uniform even more relaxed andunformal ). For the first few months after I started this job I was happy to work in such a casual environment. Getting dressed for work required a lot less planning and effort than what I was used to and I was really comfortable during the day.

But then something odd happened: I started to miss getting dressed nicer for work. I have absolutely no idea why and it wasn’t like there was a specific incident that brought this on. One day I just woke up and felt like getting dressed up for work. Nothing fancy or too formal, but something other than jeans and a t-shirt. And I’ve kept this up ever since. Don’t get me wrong — on many days, I’ll still wear jeans. But I’ll often pair them with a fun blazer or tailored sweater. If I’m wearing a crazy funky t-shirt, I’ll layer it with a cardigan for a less just-grabbed-this-and-went look. And as much as I still love my growing collection of crazy-colored sneakers (purple and yellow, anyone?) I’ve taken my heels out of their boxes and put them into rotation. I’ve even started wearing skirts to work, which, let me tell you, is not a common practice.

I think getting a bit more dressed up for work helps me feel more put together and ready to deal better with whatever happens in the office. I don’t see it as a chore, more as a fun thing to do every day. C’mon, I might be a tired, under-slept working mom, but inside I’m still a girl who definitely likes clothes. (Obviously I think it is the worst idea ever whenever I have one of those nothing-to-wear days.)

How do you dress for work? Do you work in a very casual or more formal environment?

I was away for most of this week on a business trip. Since I am horrible at sleeping on planes and in hotel rooms and since this trip involved a three-hour time difference, I got very little sleep, even less than my usual miserable amount. On top of this, the trip involved some extra celebrating sessions with my team, which — as you might guess — brought with them some alcoholic beverages. When I landed on Thursday after a sleepless five-hour red-eye flight, I felt like I’d been punched all over. I went home, slept for three hours, and got right back up to take my daughter to our work Halloween party.

That night I slept like a baby but I woke up on Friday feeling not much better than before. I went to bed later than I should have — c’mon, I had to have at least one real conversation with my husband after a week of short text messages and “gotta run!” calls. On Saturday morning, I was still exhausted. But… (and now we get to the point of this longish story)

 … I still went with my husband to our weekly grueling one-hour super-spin class. (My parents are kind enough to take our daughter for a few hours every Saturday morning and our usual routine involves taking a walk, going to spin, and then out for brunch.) I’m a long-time spinner and my body just gets into a groove in class, so I got through it fine. But as soon as I stepped off the bike, I knew it: I was getting sick.

I’ll save you any suspense: It’s Sunday afternoon, and I feel terrible. After a hopeful morning of having escaped this one, I can tell you for certain that the study recently written about in the New York Times Well blog, which found that intense exercise weakens your immune system significantly, is absolutely right on. Whether I had the bug in my system before I went to spinning or caught it after during the night out trick or treating, strenuous exercise made it much easier for it to take over.

And here’s the part where you call me stupid: This is definitely not the first time this has happened. I.e. this is definitely not the first time when I went to exercise when I felt less than 100% and the rational part of my mind should have spoken up much louder. Why, you ask? Well, for one, exercise is a big part of my life and while I grunt and complain through many a spin class, I love the way I feel afterwards. But it’s more than that — as another study mentioned in the article also found, moderate exercise actually strengthens your immune system and helps you get sick less often and less severely. There have been multiple times when I went to the gym while recovering from a cold and felt that my recovery was much faster.

Still, right now, I am feeling really stupid. I am clearly sucking at juggling sleep, health and exercise and it’s a trio I need to figure out. The way I feel now, I am out of exercise commission for at least a few days — perhaps if I’d just skipped the spin class I would be feeling much better now.

How do you deal with exercise and health? Do you exercise at all when you’re not 100%? Do you feel that moderate (e.g. fast walking) exercise helps you stay healthier? In the season of various kinds of the flu, this is an important topic - share your thoughts in the comments.

(P.S. Yes, I always wipe my equipment at the gym and give dirty looks to those who don’t. It’s the least we can do for each other.)

Has the workplace become so pro-family that if you don’t have a child, you have to make one up in order to get fair treatment?

I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot recently. At my job, there are many parents, but I also have many colleagues who don’t have kids. I’ve found that I’m often conscious about how I might be perceived as a working parent and careful to not expect or demand any special treatment from my boss or colleagues. For example, when we had a product release coming up, I knew that it would mean several very late nights in the office. So I lined up some extra babysitting (from my dad, thank you!) and asked my husband to please be home on time — I wanted to make sure that I was there, with my colleagues, as a team during that important and stressful time. I thought it was important that if I could swing it, that I not use the “I’ve got a kid at home” excuse to leave the office early.

Obviously, I am a working MOM and this means that there are days when I come in late or have to leave early. During another product release my husband happened to be out of town on a business trip and I had to get home on time one of the days. This meant leaving my team to cover for me at the office during a very late night, for which I was very appreciative. But that’s life and in my opinion, totally fine as long as it doesn’t happen as a rule. My non-parent colleagues need to come in late some days (doctor’s appointment, for example) or leave early (to meet up with an old friend visiting from out of town). The way I think about it, as long as I don’t expect anything above and beyond what the rest of my colleagues expect in terms of flexibility at work, I’m not crossing a line.

When I was starting out in my career I was on the opposite side of this, as one of two non-parents on a team in a very demanding job. More than once I remember being told that I should stay late to finish something because I didn’t have kids at home to run to. I absolutely hated this and would never, ever want my current non-parent colleagues to feel this way.

What do you think — should working parents get a bit more slack/flexibility at work? Are you conscious of not asking for or expecting special treatment because you’re a parent?

I

I feel like I rocked this day, as a mom, as a professional, as a daughter, and even as a wife.

Feeling like this is rare for me because I get through most days with this nagging feeling of not being adequate in any of the many roles that I play. You know the drill, I am sure: Not feeling like you did enough at work, or spent enough time with your kids, or managed to have a real conversation with your husband. Read any member article or blog or comment on Work It, Mom! and it seems many of us feel this way. And that’s why I wanted to share my small little victory of having one day when I don’t feel like that. It’s totally cheesy, but life is so full of difficult stuff that I feel we need to play up the good parts more.

So, about my day. I am sure you don’t want to hear all of the details, but here’s the gist:

In the morning I had breakfast with a friend whom I’d not seen in a while and with whom it’s important for me to stay in touch, personally and professionally. I then ran to my daughter’s school where I was the parent helper in her kindergarten art class. (If you ever need a serious pick me up, do something like this. No, seriously.)

I then drove to work, where I showed up with 10 minutes to spare for an important meeting which turned out to be extremely productive and positive, on many fronts. I managed to get a ton done at work, including some difficult stuff that I wasn’t sure I could tackle, and when I got in the car to drive home, I realized that I was going to be on time without breaking speed limits (well, seriously breaking). But there was less traffic than usual so I got home early, to my kiddo’s excitement, and we used the extra time to take silly photos of each other.

It’s my parents’ anniversary today and I managed to (a) not forget to call them and (b) have their present ready to go, with the much appreciated help from my husband. Phew.

And speaking of the husband, as soon a I finish this post and take care of a few other work-related things, we’re digging into some Mexican takeout and a movie. Well, not sure we can stay awake for the entire movie, but that’s not the point. We’re actually going to talk to each other without computer screens between us. A BIG accomplishment.

Maybe none of this super-womanish to you, and it probably isn’t, by most standards, but I don’t have many days when the stars align and I juggle all of the balls successfully, without dropping one. So here’s to more of them, for all of us!

When was your last super working mom day?

It turns out it was a very good thing. According to the many, many blog posts about it — most filled with the kind of sharp emotion only the mommy wars can bring on — the show would have made my blood boil. One of the guests was Jessica Gottlieb, who is a stay-at-home mom and who often blogs about the wonderfullness of moms who stay at home and the terribleness of moms who choose to work. Apparently she said things like working moms who choose to work (vs those who have to work) are selfish and “I wouldn’t outsource loving my husband, why would I outsource loving my kids?”

You know what’s funny? Stuff like this used to set me off for hours, maybe days. I’d go into a whole defensive tirade about how working keeps me happy and smart and my daughter benefits, and how her having exposure to different caregivers and being in a social daycare situation has been amazing for her, and so on. But no more. It does make my blood boil for a few seconds but I’ve grown to a point where I just move on. It’s sad, it’s stupid, it’s offensive and as moms, we should be way, way better than that to each other.

The show was apparently a huge ratings hit and I get why Dr. Phil and his producers chose to cover this topic, but c’mon, aren’t we done with this? Don’t we have enough studies that show working and stay-at-home moms give their kids the same amount of hugs (which I think is a ridiculous thing to study but so relevant to mention in this context), that they spend as time time with their kids as stay-at-home moms, that kids who go to daycare benefit from it, that neither working or staying-at-home is empirically better for the mom or the kids. We all make our personal choices. Period.

All this talk about the Dr. Phil show really makes me wonder about one thing: Will we ever get over the mommy wars and just accept each other’s choices OR is this an undying debate, with us for eternity of motherhood? Sound off with your thoughts in the comments!

I’ve definitely had friends from work before. (One of my great life friends is a woman I worked with for five years at a small firm — even though we now live in different cities and don’t see each other often, we’re still good friends.) But what I’ve missed during the latter parts of my career is working in an environment where I have a lot in common with many people — vs. just a few — and where people do spend time together outside of work. I’m now realizing just how important it is for me to be in a social work environment and how much I missed this energy during the last few years when I worked from home.

Because I work with a bunch of people I like, I’ve been doing something lately that I haven’t done since… well, since my daughter was born five years ago: I’ve been going out with my colleagues after work. Socializing after work was one of the first things I cut out after I became a mom. There was no way that I was going to spend a few hours hanging out with my colleagues instead of seeing my daughter. But now that she is older and I’ve realized that not being there for bedtime a few nights a month is not going to ruin her or me and will actually be good for both of us, I’m done with my iron clad rule of running home from work every single day.

So I’m curious, do you socialize with your colleagues outside of work? Of is this something you just can’t find the time to do?

Early in the week most of us realized that something BIG was on the horizon. Mid-week, some of the management changes were evident and we’d gotten an invite to an all-hands meeting for our group, to be attended by a super-senior manager. By Thursday morning, we were part of a significant corporate re-org and trying to figure out what it all meant for the group and for each of us individually. The usual office politics picked up steam and I think I literally spent 48 hours in a row talking to dozens of my colleagues.

Wow.

Here are the good news: The corporate re-org is great, our new senior manager is completely awesome, and I still have a job (as do most of my colleagues.)

The bad news: I am so completely wiped out and exhausted and what I really need is to sleep for the next few days. But not being around for almost a week is causing me major separation anxiety from my daughter, which means two days of sleep are just a nice idea.

I mentioned to a colleague of mine, also a working mom, that I was feeling like a total absentee mom this week and she told me that it’s a good idea to completely shift the balance towards either work or being a mom from time to time. I think it’s a totally healthy and realistic way of thinking, but I’m having a hard time actually believing it. When I rolled in at midnight last night — after the festivities and various celebrations of our changes, including a great dinner with my new boss — my daughter started to cry. I went to her room and quieted her down. This morning I asked her why she was crying and she told me that the garage door woke her up, she knew I came home and cried when I didn’t come to wake her and kiss her.

Hello heartbreak and working mom guilt. However much I know she is totally fine and my husband was great as the primary parent this week, this was probably the last thing I wanted to hear and I still feel sad thinking about it. My hope is that our living room Abba dance party and cookie making planned for this afternoon will help me feel less guilty.

Do you feel a lot of guilt when work sucks you in?