Today, everyday, compassionate heart.
Posted 25th December 2009 by Kay
Christmas, 2009.
My daughter is the reason I live.
I used to live for myself, or for a goal I was acheiveing, or to make my family proud, or pick an exterior reason of chioce. Then I found out I'm not a natural "breeder". I found out I'm one of those many woman who would never have survived childbirth, I would have expired in screaming agony begging the almighty power to let my child live. I will always have trouble conceiving (not from an s.t.d., or from malnutrition, or from bad bones, but I'm just genetically not so great at the creation of life. So my womb is not as inviting as my hips might imply, but they imply it with such "traditional" dexterity and ostentatious healthy display! So well do my hips display fertility I've had friends comment I'll give forth multiple children without breaking a sweat and should manage to people a continent should I end up stranded on an uninhabited one! I've had lovers say my hips told them I was a goddess of gentle and awe inspireing proportions. Needless to say, my hips lie with the ease of political dictators/tyrants.) and should I manage a second or third successful childbirth I will suffer severely as will my possible progeny, all of modern medcines marvels will be mightlily employed all thier lives as a result. I always wanted many children, a house of children laughing or yelling. A house with a kitchen the size of a small banquet hall like they carry in home design magazines, with many small people all clamouring for something to be cleaned, fixed, made, eaten. The knowledge that I'd be barren save for medical or spiritual intervention (both of which are only so successful and involve as much shatteringly painful heartbreak as well...divisions or nation or faith!) was such a blow to my heart that my generally sweet talking silly playful nature and my happy go lucky whatever attitude suffered severely. My one child was born incredible, God was so amazeing in his singluar gift, apgar scores were through the roof, healthy, finely made, beautiful like a hummel doll, angelic in patterns, natually gifted like those princess stories. I made a deicision in that momentof birth (well it was not the first time I'd thought it but that moment was deicisive) She was going to benefit from my life, with all the gifts of every fairy story and disney moral at the end of it.
I'm nothing if not committed. I'am like a frieght train, I hold nothing back, I never let go, I push through solid rock, I cannot be derailed easily, and I destroy anything that gets in my way period. So this christmas is painful, I'm a soon to be divorcee, my family disagrees with daycare, single motherhood, divorces, being poor, and being apart for long hours while the child is small. When you can afford such opinions thats lovely. I cannot & I will not feel guilty that my daughter will grow up healthy and loved and with a committed mother who decided that being married was not at the cost of her own personality and morals. I will not feel guilty about the clashes in chioces that are seperate from family that has money. I refuse to repeat unhealthy habits or negitive patterns in my life for the sake of the person who will act more like me then will do as I say. My chioces are a springboard for her future. I'm in a nation that supports and invigorates individuality and womans rights. My heart is a little bit sad today, my daughter is with family, they unloaded nearly 800$ on things I cannot afford for her amusement (to show off, not just to give, it would be differnt if it was done with my knowledge or my approval, but it's always without my consent to show me I'm poor, with tiny manipulations to make me feel inferior.) and I'm counting on the holiday pay for the extra expenses of ballet classes and enrollment in one of the areas schools and on the holiday gifts I did afford (I did a not to shabby job all on my own, but it was a simple display, not an exaggerated polyglot of materialism) and I'm unable to enjoy her company during family time because they laugh at my ideals.
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