A Decision Made
To all the beautiful WIM's, I have to first apologize for being away for so long. It's been a trying time in my life (to say the least). Yet I am finally in a place of peace, because I have decided to put myself first, something most of us as women fail to do. We think it's selfish, but really it's about self-preservation. I've been wasting away for the last three years, emotionally and physically. I've been giving my whole self away leaving nothing behind. A wise girlfriend told me that I cannot want this marriage for my husband. He has to want it himself. I truly believe that he is sick. Stuck in a place where only anger has space. I will love this man for the rest of my life, but it's time to love myself too.
A couple of days ago, I decided to begin what I think will be a long healthy road to recovery with the glorious gift of life at the end. I've finally said what needs to be said. I've made a plan and I'm sticking to it this time. That decision is to file for divorce in Feb '09. I've laid out what I need and I've given him six months to get it together. Really he's had three years to get it together, but this extra time will be of benefit to both of us. For him, time to get counseling and work through his issues. For me, time to come to terms with the fact that this may very well be over in six months.
As a Christian woman, this has been the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. The bible says to stay (at least that's my interpretation), however, I believe that God is allowing me to do this. I am moving; I'm actually taking action for once instead of planning my every move around my husband or my children. That is not to say that I still don't love them with every inch of my soul. What it does say is I realize I am just as important as they are. That I am God's child and should be treasured as such. That I have to be well to be here and do the things I want to do for them. To fulfill God's purpose for me in their lives.
This peace I'm feeling is a painful peace. I've had nightmares every night since I made the decision. I think about my husband even more now than I was before (which is to say, he's really consuming my thoughts right now). I am scared knowing it's highly likely I will be a single mom of three boys. But I know, if it is God's will for me to stay with my husband, or for him to return if we get to D-Day, it will be. And if I am wrong, then I will have begun a path to healing. And let me tell you ladies, knowing that one way or another I'm moving towards my happy, passionate self again, makes me clear about one thing... I'm doing the right thing for me this time. And it's okay. In fact it's more than okay, it's the right thing to do.