Admitting it all
Posted 26th August 2009 by el-e-e, tagged working full time, freelance, daily juggle
I am taking a deep breath and saying it: I'm having a hard time.
Nothing dire, of course, nothing making me feel like I can't manage or need professional help. But I'm having a hard time with everything. My job, home life, friends, myself... and I feel sometimes like I can't talk about it because I'm supposed to be keeping it together all the time, so that everyone else can keep it together. Again, nothing dire, just little frustrations that have started to pile up and weigh on me.
I've worked full-time now, well, my whole life, and also my kids' whole lives. And I never wanted that. I accepted it, I've had periods where I've relished it, and I actually am grateful for work in this economy, as well as the time away from the kids. I've learned that I NEED some work in my life in order to remain calm and sane. Home with the kids all day long would be very hard for me. I know that now, 5 years later. Still, I never wanted it to be full-time, all the time, all this time. Even with a much improved commute now, and 1 work-from-home day each week (if my company ever comes through with that), it's not enough. It's not what I want.
I realized Monday that my GOSH, it takes a lot to run a household. My Grandmother always told me that, and she was so right. It's a full-time job. With my oldest now in Kindergarten, I'm starting to feel the pinch. I want to be there for them during this time, more than I have been. And it sounds cliche to say, "homework, t-ball practice, making dinners..." like everyone does, but... wow. On top of the routines of those, I have so many home projects I'd like to do -- simply rearranging knick-knacks in my living room, or (gasp) going shopping for some NEW knick-knacks -- WHEN can I do those things? WHEN will we ever dry-wall the basement? We planned to do it 8 years ago! Still haven't, and now we have two kids to do it around. Why didn't we do it before kids??!
I keep pushing errands back on my weekday-lunchtime-errands list. Other things come up. I need to get the oil changed (and the tires replaced... and another thing fixed) on my car, and can't seem to work that (those) in. One recent "last straw" moment was painting my nails. My feet have just been in bad shape and I've wanted a pedicure for a while... but there is NEVER time. Last night I finally sighed and painted them myself, and I felt a little better, but still. Why isn't there time for that one thing? Why don't I ask for it?
7 comments so far...
Flag as inappropriate Posted by B'sMommy on 24th June 2010
Thanks for your comment and let me know if you get it figured out. (And, are you me??? I used to also commute long distances each way! Finally got THAT fixed this year. It's better, but still...)
Flag as inappropriate Posted by el-e-e on 16th September 2009
Like yours, my oldest started kindergarten this fall and I am having a hard time with it in ways that I did not expect. It is so strange that kindergarten and afterschool are tearing me up in ways daycare never did. So many questions about what I want her life and our family life to be like from this point forward.
Similar to you, I am torn between a FT job which is reasonably flexible with a short commute and the desire to open a freelance business. Things are better now than when I commuted 20 miles each way every day, but are they good enough?
I also have trouble talking about it to anyone because it will make my husband feel bad and he is the one I usually confide in.
I have faith that since you had the courage to voice this, you will find the courage to make the changes you need to be happy. You will work it out. I will work it out. But thank you for giving me the knowledge that I am not alone in having these feelings.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Lindsey W. on 15th September 2009
I can tell you emphatically that NO, it is not too late now. If you want to pursue a different career path, it's really never too late. Is now the time? Well, you're the only one who knows that. Financially, you may not be in a position to just up and quit and hope the work starts rolling in (let's face it; few people are ever in a position to do that), but maybe it's time for you and your husband to sit down and brainstorm how you can work together to get you where you want to be. It may start with something as small as two hours set aside each week for your "creative time" or whatever makes sense.
I truly believe the greatest gift we can give our children is being healthy and happy, ourselves. You have the itch; it's not an either/or proposition, stay where you are or throw it all away for the unknown. Toss the guilt and spend some time figuring out how to get to where you want to be. You CAN do it.
I can't wait to hear all about it. :)
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mir Kamin on 31st August 2009
I somehow manage to pull it off, but yet, somedays I wish I could be with my little guy as he's still growing up.
There are other options out there, you just have to do your research and your homework first! Good luck.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Giazz on 27th August 2009
Flag as inappropriate Posted by el-e-e on 27th August 2009
I still have a long road ahead for getting better and making sure that the tumor is completely gone and never come back. I have many test left to do and more MRI's to do. I have to see many doctors and all the answers they give me aren't what I want to hear. I am going back to work part-time next Monday August 31st and I am very nervous about feeling like everyone is going to feel sorry for me an I won't be able to do all the things that I did before the surgery, but that's my pride talking and taking over. I have always been very strong and worked very hard (more than one job) and went to school at the same time while being a single mom. So I want to say from one mom to another mom-hang in there and pray for favor from god and I am sure that he will listen and you will see the change, but you have to have patience and I am one to talk about patience. It works and I am living witness everyday he wakes me up and I get to see my children and family. Everyday brings new challenges and new decisions to be made, but I've noticed with god;s favor I've got through each day.
So, I will be praying for favor for you and your family and take it easy on yourself, sokmeone said that to me recently and it will work itself out. Strongerthanever01.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by strongerthanever01 on 26th August 2009