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I'm sure this is a repeat topic . . . but . . .

  • What do you guys do with your husbands/significant others . . .

    I'm at my wits end . . .

    He's "on board" with me starting my own business . . . but yet at the end of the day, he wants to nitpick the things I have or haven't done (namely, 'why are you on the laptop AGAIN' and 'why don't I have clean socks' or 'are the kids in bed just cuz you needed work done' . . . and on and on and on.

    It's getting to the point where I try and "clean up" and "wrap up" before he gets home JUST so I don't have to hear it . .. but then I'm not at all representing a truthful picture of what life is like for me with this new business venture.

    Is this something typical? Maybe I'm hoping for TOO much support . . the kind where I get to catch a break now and then that everything under the sun isn't done and completed and caught up?
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Naomi on 28th November 2007
  • Oh, Naomi - here's a virtual hug for you. Playing devil's advocate for a minute, he may be very afraid of your independent venture for many reasons. Can you talk to him about this? Specifically in a calm and honest way? Write down your thoughts on his actions. Then you can present it to him by saying that you need to understand why he's treating you and the situation this way. Then also write down your goals, desires, etc.

    I'll be honest and say I'm not in this situation. I gave up on the 5 o'clock shuffle to get the house in order long ago and hubby doesn't mind if he has to pick up toys or fold a load of laundry when he gets home (thank you, thank you MIL, for raising him so well!!). It doesn't mean that I don't feel guilty about not getting it all done b/c often I do but I have to remember that I can't always do it all and I need to accept my limitations.

    I work from home with my two toddlers underfoot. They come first which means I have to be ready to make food and put down the laptop and give a bath and put them to bed (tee hee, at 7 no less so I can work and b/c they need the sleep). Work often comes second with the house and chores having to come last (hubby's place varies on the list depending on if he's home or what his needs are but that's the nature of our relationship - flexibility).

    I didn't mean to go on and on! My point is that, and I say this with a big smile, you need to give yourself the break first when things don't get caught up. Your being negative on yourself will only open the door for him to be, too. At the same time, you shouldn't have to make a daily list of your accomplishments in the house unless it boosts your spirits. Starting your own business is a huge undertaking and a great new chapter in your life. I hope you are able to find a way to share it together!
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mandy Nelson - Dandysound on 28th November 2007
  • Mandy . . . you are a dear.

    I wont go into ALL of the boring details, but hubby is gone ALOT. When he IS home, I think there are lots of variables coming into play - - he's feeling guilty, stressed, etc. - - and that gets taken out in ways that aren't actually reality.

    I think that you're right when you say that priorities have to come from me . .. and be directed by me. The kids come first . . . and however else the rest of it plays out, so be it.

    I think it doesn't help us much that we have the 2 littles (18 mos and 4 yrs) and then a pre-teen . . . 13 in January - - that homework is KILLING me!

    I've never been passionate about being a SAHM. I'll be honest. Now, don't get me wrong - my kiddos are the MOST important thing to me. But I've been struggling since staying at home (5+ years) to balance my 'work' at home (domesticated stuff) with loving on my kids, but still having something to feel passionate about.

    I guess, after reading your response . . . and doing some delving afterwards . . . it's making me realize that some of my issues are coming from trying to DO it all . . . and I just have to be ok with the fact that I can't possibly do it all. Shoot, I failed miserably to get it all done BEFORE going on this venture, so . . .

    Oh, I hate to ramble, so I'll stop soon - thanks for your words and your heart, Mandy . . .
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Naomi on 28th November 2007
  • It's fine to not be passionate about the SAHM deal. It's not easy and it's great that you're honest. I have issues with wanting to do it all. We had a discussion around here at one point about "needing" and I often say I need to do xyz when really I don't. I may want to get the kitchen floor washed but I don't need to. It comes in waves for sure and you just happened to catch me at a cheery happy time in all of it when I finally feel some sense of balance. Talk to me again in Feb when work picks up again and the babysitters go on vacation and I have to shovel all of the snow we get out here. Or May when the white bathtub has footprints in it every day b/c we're all barefoot outside. Hehehe, it's all about the cycles!
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mandy Nelson - Dandysound on 29th November 2007
  • I have found that with my hubby, talking about what is expected and setting expectations goes a long way. When I first started working from home, he assumed I would do everything. I then let him try working from home with only ONE kid and he found it extremely challenging to say the least. He said he couldn't get any work done, let alone feed the baby, and keep the house clean. I think it is important that your SO appreciates what you do and SUPPORTs your endevour. If he is jealous or doesn't think you should work, then you have a problem. My hubby is also gone a lot and works very long hours as he is in a medical residency program. He is awesome though at helping me out with laundry, and other household chores. He knows that I need to work and definitely cannot "do it all". Good luck to you....
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Sofiaone on 11th December 2007
  • In my case I am the one that puts the pressure on to get it all done. My husband was home this summer (he's a teacher) and saw all that went into caring for our daughter, cooking meals, and keeping the house livable. He doesn't understand how a person can take a shower with a baby at home, let alone get all the other things done. Sometimes I get down on myself for not getting more done in a day. Last week I was upset because I didn't get all the laundry done, or finish cleaning the bathroom in addition to the other stuff that I do...When my husband got home I was really snippy with him, and we finally had a talk about what was really going on. When I explained all that I had tried to do that day, he gave me this look (saying "don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself?";)...after all that rambling what I'm trying to say is that if it's possible to experience a day or two or a week in your shoes, he may have more understanding for all that you do. A friend of mine has two kiddos the same age as yours Naomi. Her husband is a farmer, and she tries to put things in perspective for him. When he isn't understanding about her need for me time she asks "Does your tractor come find you when you are taking a break for lunch?" I don't know how effective that is, but the idea always puts a smile on my face. Hope it gets better. I can't think of much that is more stressful than starting a business. Good luck!
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by mamajama on 12th December 2007
  • You guys are all great! (I LOVE the thought of the tractor!)

    Things have been better as of late, and it's more about him seeing that in a day's time, I am successful at doing SOME of the stuff . . . and the rest of it just has to wait until tomorrow.

    I've also just decided to get the stuff that he DOES notice, DONE . . . and leave the rest of it (that bothers just me) for another time.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Naomi on 12th December 2007
  • My husband is wonderful -- supportive, a hands-on parent, a great cook, does all the maintenance and fixing of stuff, the works. His Mama did an excellent job. That said, it took us switching schedules for a while in order for him to really undestand what I do in addition to my paid work. It doesn't sound like a big deal, right? But in addition to my WAHM freelance work, I also work outside the home -- for the same company that he does, and I have for the past 13 years! So we have the same commute, many of the same coworkers, a similar workload -- he knows exactly what I'm up against at work (we're both journalists, but in different departments), but honestly didn't really undestand what I was up against at home. And I'm not sure he really gets how much freelance work I have on my plate, either.

    But he understands that it's a juggle. Some days, I can't get it all done, and if he hasn't noticed and pitched in (or if I haven't thought to ask him to, which, honestly, is much more likely), it just doesn't get done. He takes care of all of the house and car and outside maintenance, and it's the same thing -- a juggle. Some days, he has to choose between changing the oil and mowing the lawn and patching a clapboard -- there's not enough daylight to get it all done at one time.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Lylah M. Alphonse on 13th December 2007

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