Group Discussions

Deciding to Have Another

  • (I also posted this elsewhere!)

    My husband and I are currently in the throes of the decision to have another child. He's against it, and for very practical (yet surmountable) reasons, while I'm gung-ho for it (also for practical reasons, I think). We are all very healthy, we have good jobs, our son is 2 and doing great, and we'll be able to afford the extra daycare easily by this time next year (we're close now and expecting well-deserved raises shortly!).

    For those of you who have ventured into the land beyond the only child, what helped you make the decision? Did you and your spouse have very different opinions? How did you get past that?
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by heels on 28th December 2007
  • Okay, okay. I'm not qualified to answer this fantastic question because I only have one child so far. But I will be super-interested in what others have to say because I think we'll be grappling with the same issue when our one-year-old reaches your son's age. Yikes. I think I will be the one holding back, while my husband will be the gung-ho one. I guess I feel like we will eventually have another so our daughter can grow up with a sibling.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Diane on 29th December 2007
  • We just did it. If you wait for the right time, there will always be something else that comes up. If you feel that you are ready and have confidence that you can manage... do it. Having a plan B is always a great option as well... what if those raises don't come through... do we have enough savings to get through maternity/paternity leaves, etc... Having a child is seldom about practicability and often about the love you and hubby share and want to expand to yet another child. Good luck!
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Yes, Mommy has to work today on 29th December 2007
  • Like Diane, I have only one child. But, believe it or not, my husband broached the subject of another little one ON THE DAY I CAME HOME WITH THE FIRST ONE (?!) Still feeling (physically) quite miserable, my first response was "never." We still have that discussion periodically and my husband (product of China's one-child-hope-it's-a-boy policy) is adamant that he doesn't want his own son to grow up without a sibling like he did. I am slowly moving towards his point-of-view, but insist that a second baby will come when either a) one of us can stay home and be with the kiddos or b) we can hire a nanny AND housekeeper. It's just way too chaotic for both of us to work full-time medical and then try to spend quality time with our child(ren) AND take care of the house responsibilities.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by KC on 29th December 2007
  • We were on the fence about having another baby (my oldest three kids are my stepkids, so my first baby -- L. -- was actually our family's fourth child). I wanted to but was scared -- L.'s birth was complicated and traumatic. My husband was hesitant -- four is a lot of kids already, and he had just turned 40. And neither of us were sure how we'd manage, raising five kids, with two tiny ones, and my husband and I both working full time. We figured we'd wait and see.

    But then, in 2005, my husband's brother died suddenly, at age 35, leaving behind his wife and their 6-year-old daughter. Our whole perspective shifted. "How will we manage?" quickly became "We will find a way to manage." O. was born in Nov. 2006.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Lylah M. Alphonse on 30th December 2007
  • My husband and I started our family a bit later in life. I was 37 when we had our first. Initially we weren't sure if we would have another but decided that having a sibling/family would be important to our daughter in the future. So, at age 39 (almost 40) we had our second. When I was pregnant with our second I had a friend tell me one is one but two is ten - she was right. Things get pretty hectic with a 2 and 4 year old in the house but the rewards are uncountable. My oldest helping her little sister get undressed, the youngest hugging her big sister when she gets hurt, listening to the two of them engaged in very creative imagination play... I am very happy we decided to have our second child!
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by MTmomof2 on 31st December 2007
  • and my husband have 5 kids. we had our first when we were 20 and 21. yeah we were young. we have had another about every 2 years after that. it's like you get addicted. once you have your first it's hard not to want another,. just as when they are driving you insane, it's the perfect birth control.ha he he..... it's the greatest thing watching their relationships develop over dayy, weeks, years. i think it's important to have family. when you can't depend on "friends" to be there when you need someone, you always have your family. i think large families are awesome.!!!
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by bounette on 2nd January 2008
  • We decided to have a second one when my oldest was 3.5 yrs. My husband and I both always agreed to two kids. It took a year to clear the Depo out of my system and get pregnant, only to have a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Then, it took another1.5 years to get pregnant again even though I was still in my mid-twenties & it should have still been very easy to conceive. . .my first one was conceived when I was 18 & we were definitely not trying.

    We had actually mutually decided the month before I got pregnant that we were no longer going to try because the stress of trying sucks and my oldest one was 6 at that time. We didn't want to have kids that were extremely far apart, and it was reaching our limit. (I am 8 years older than my sister, and it was like not even having a sibling). Fate intervened and I got pregnant the next month.

    I wish I had good advice on how to convince your husband to have a second. Is he dead-set against it, or just doesn't want to yet?

    Besides the normal reasons to have more kids, I'm glad to have the second one so if the first one doesn't meet all my expectations, I have a back-up. : ) I am half-joking. My oldest son is not much like me at all, so it's nice to have the second one who is a little more like me. They don't have the pressure of being all things to both parents. . .
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 2nd January 2008
  • I always appreciate the wisdom I find here.

    My biggest argument for having another child (besides BECAUSE I WANT ONE!) is so that our son can have a sibling. I may have had a hard time with my sister growing up, but I am so thankful that I have her in my life as an adult. I want my son's potential children to have an Aunt/Uncle and the chance for cousins. I want there to be family for him when we are gone. I also really like the idea that a sibling can help take the pressure off of a child from their parents. I think that's important.

    I sometimes feel silly or selfish saying that I want a sibling for Cole. It sort of sounds like I'm saying I want to get a puppy so our puppy won't be lonely... you know what I mean? But I've more-or-less gotten past that and realized that they will be siblings for each other, no matter who came first.

    My husband is pretty set against it. He doesn't feel the need that I do. He never felt the need to have our son, either. He would have been happy to live without children (or so he thinks). Now that Cole is here he loves him to pieces, as he would love another child if we let one come into our lives. He is selfishly fearful of another year (or so) of sleepless nights and difficulties in our relationship. He is afraid of the extra expense and responsibility. I understand his fears, but I also feel that a year of our life is nothing for the life of our child. I would gladly give it and more. I can't seem to make him understand. He's a good and loving person, and on most things we see totally eye-to-eye. Not here, apparently.

    I am sure that this is what I want. I have told him that it's not a matter of if, but when. I'd like to start trying this year. He's enjoying our relative stability, but I'd like to get the unstable years out of the way by taking advantage of our stability to have another child now.

    We have both of our families in this town. We have a good and reliable support network. If we stumble I know for sure they'd be there to help us back on our feet.

    I agree that there's no really good time to have a child. It wasn't a good time when we had Cole, but we made it work and it was fine. I agree that if we keep waiting for that ideal moment that we will never have another.

    I guess I'm just thinking out loud here. Thanks for all of your thoughts.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by heels on 2nd January 2008
  • Hi,

    My heart is breaking reading this! It took me 7 years and as many miscarriages to have our daughter in 2007. There were all kinds of medical complications, but I would love to have another child. My husband is an only child, not by his parents choice, but his mother lost several children in child birth (perhaps some survivors guilt).

    All I can do is pray about it, I guess, but I have a sister that is less than 2 yrs younger and a brother 2 years older. we are relatively close, though my sister and I are not as close as I would like us to be (as children as adults)

    Sometimes I'm annoyed at the cultures guilt trip they place on families who decide just can't have more than one child.

    But I also think about my child's future. I don't know if I have the answers for anyone else, just sharing my frustration.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by zamba4u on 26th December 2008

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