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Are you a bad mom becuase . . . NO

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  • Do you feel like you are the only mom who isn't a soccer mom, does't work out, would never drive a mini-van and doesn't spend 20 hours a week doing cute crafts with your kids (or have the desire to)? Did you have a conversation with your child's Kindergarten teacher that "no my child does NOT have to be friends with everyone - I don't be friend everyone I meet, why should he?" Are you a bad parent becuase you let you child jump in the mud puddle or you teach them that 10 degree weather is 'boogie freezin cold'- of course not - you're just Outside the Box.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Pammy on 12th January 2008
  • You are not alone Pam. We don't all have to fit into a neat litlle Stepford pattern to be good moms.



    I do work out but I would not be caught dead-at-gun-point- on-a-Sunday driving a minivan. I am in no way crafty but I am the Treasurer of the PTA. unfortunatley some of the SAHMs on the PTA got annoyed with me for trying to implement standard rules / procedures for the Treasury. Surprisingly the working moms were in complete agreement about the need for such things...coincidence?



    And actually the "good" mom's don't work out because it would take time away from their children and housework.



    I don't bake cookies / cupcakes ( like all the other "good" moms) For pot lucks I always bring the juice and cups / plates-LOL!



    I say ignore the judgemental eyes and do your best for your family.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Uhura on 12th January 2008
  • AMEN Uhura! Actually I WANT to get myself motivated to work out - I need to get into shape, but I don't want to talk about it constantly - I feel there are more interesting topics to discuss over coffee or cocktails



    Each mom gives and does the best they can (most of them). We each have a different parenting style - that is okay. I DO bake cookies when I can and am the first one to dress up on halloween (I am basically silly but strict)- last year my husband was a Red Hat Drag Queen complete with boobs & beard but I am not a mom that loves being surrounded by little brats just becuase they are children. I have one child by choice - my tolerance level is limited. I love my son but although he is a very typical boy - loves cars - anything with a motor and loves the mud pile and legos he is very adept at carrying on a human conversation - in part probably becuase I was 31 and hubby 43 when we had him and he is an only child. He is exposed to adults a lot.



    confession: I DID own a minivan, I tried it but it just wasn't my thing I am much happier being back in my Jeep - it is just who I am and I am okay with that. I will admit I loved the room - we could take another couple or family of 4 with for minature golf & dinner - THAT I liked, but it did not outweigh my need for 4WD and ground clearance; I claim it as a testosterone thing - I worked construction for 10 years - must be some of it wore off on me LOL!
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Pammy on 12th January 2008
  • Since I'm new to this site, I found this thread and I just HAD to say something. I've worked most of my life, including going back shortly after I had my daughter, 17 years ago. When we enrolled her into our parish school for pre-K and then elementary and middle school, I was absolutely amazed at the attitude I received because I couldn't attend the "mothers teas" or volunteer to do things at school during the day (because I work for a living, thank you). I was looked down on by the moms cause I didn't do crafty things or did a lot of baking for the class or teachers. Then I get this "but so and so's mom had time to bake cookies for the class?" Well, so and so's mom doesn't earn the $$$ to put the food in your tummy or pay the mortgage...



    So, I'm considered to be a bad mother cause I didn't make her "unique" costume for Halloween. Big deal. Party City was quicker and cheaper and after 1 wearing, who cares!



    Oh, and I do have a mini-van, but more out of necessity than anything else. I needed something that was functional to haul 4x8 sheets of plywood and then still carry the family. When she goes to college next year, the van is getting traded in for a small and gas efficient SUV.



    Ok, enough venting and I'll get off my soap box. Thanks for listening.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by JKLD on 12th January 2008
  • I'm a mom that doesn't fit the mold...especially the mold where we live now! I struggle to be good and to please everyone...but that's just not the reality. I posted about "quitting" recently. I think why I am wanting to quit the most is the stress that comes with trying to be what I'm not. It just saps the life out of me and tears at my creativity.



    I also find that if you are a mom that does make cookies, create original Halloween costumes, plan birthday parties that are unique and fun, or expect that a PTA actually runs with rules and organization then you are treated just like the mom you described Pammy!



    I've had long talks with my husband and some friends about it...what I think it comes down to is insecurity. Not mine, but the other moms. The ones that don't know themselves, like themselves and feel that they need to measure themselves to others.



    Doesn't it all sound like high school all over again? Man, I thought those years would be behind me. I never fit the mold then either!! I guess I just continue to be me...and try to find others who are doing the same. It's just hard when you move...because you have to start all over again.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by SpokaneMama on 12th January 2008
  • SpokaneMama,

    I'd like to add something to what you wrote.



    You're right when you talk about insecurity, particularly concerning those who look down on you because you're not doing what they're doing. I used to feel that way years ago, thinking "Oh, my God, what have I done wrong." But ya know, the older you get, the more you realize that some things simply aren't as important as you/they think and you have to realize what really is.



    I'm almost 53 now. Had my only child at 35 and I've never regreted it (well, almost never. There are days when she gets on my ever loving last nerve...). However, ladies, turning 50 was almost an epithany for me. You begin to really realize how trivial some of this stuff really is and how trivial some people (i.e. the "perfect" moms) really are. Not only that, but how much, in reality, THEY are jealous of you because you (and they) realized you no longer give a flyin' rat's behind about what they think.



    I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't LOVE to be able to quit work. I took 3 1/2 years off after my parents died, just to be able to recuperate from the stress that their illnesses and deaths dealt me and my family. Initially, I figured only to be out about 6 months, but I realized that that wasn't long enough. I was fortunate enough to be able to do this (they left me some money), but when I did go back to work, I realized how much I missed the adult stimulation and interaction, not only for my soul, BUT in order to keep my mind from going to mush.



    Yeah, home, family, work is all stressful. Soon, my daughter will be going away to college and then hubby and I will be alone again (well, sort of...she's going to college in town). I think the hardest balance comes from trying very hard NOT to lose yourself and your own identity. It's remembering to remember YOU and that YOU are just as important as anyone or anything else.



    As the old saying goes....if Mom ain't happy....ain't nobody happy!
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by JKLD on 12th January 2008
  • Wow - I'm not alone in the world! The one I love is that people think because we have our own business I have all this free time - okay who here works for themself and doesn't work????(gremlins run our business - yea ,yea thats it!)

    Don't get me wrong, I say bravo to the MSMs (martha stewart moms)for doing their thing, but don't condemn me because I happen to ride a motorcycle, love old cars and I allow my son to simply play rather than schedule every moment of his life. HE chose not to join soccer, little league and boy scouts. I'm not a druggie, drunk or abuser!

    Yes, he gets on & off the school bus at our business, but that is our life - I don't think seeing that his parents work hard is a bad thing. He has just started "working too" He wanted a Nintendo DS - we have some things that need to be sorted, nuts, bolts, etc. I'd been paying an 18 year old $6/hour to do it and she wasn't capable - didn't wanna be there! So when he told me about the DS I said well , we just let Ash go - you can do her job, $5/hour and you can buy the DS when you earn enough. He already got $35 toward the $200+/- purchase. Maybe I am bad in some peopels eyes because I am expecting too much, but I don't think so and he is MY son.



    I think you hit the insecurity thing right on the head. One of the greatest things my parents gave me was self worth and confidence (sometimes a bit too much) growing up I was a tom boy and from 3rd grade up I was in and out of the "click" depending on the mood of the "lead girl" It made for a tough adolesence but it made me very independent. I remember the teasing I took becuase althought he girls might hate me this week, I always had boys for friends - even in high school I had boy friends, not a lot of boyfriends . I gree up with a brother & his friends (my sisters were a lot older) I am comfortable in the male world - probably why I worked constrution for 10 years. Even now I am surrounded by men, it is my comfort zone. In that same respect - this is porbably also why I do liek this site. I do miss coffee or cocktails with the girls, but the reality is most of the women y age, in my area are either MSMs or stillinto the bar scence. I have a few girsl that after a meeting we stop for a drink or two that is the type of girlfirends I need and they are few and far between - we all have busy lives. So I was thrilled to find the WIM site. bottoms up GF



    PS JDaffron - you might want to hang on the MV until your daughter is done with college - my sister said that as much as she is looking forward to a 'big girl car' as she cals it - there is nothing better for moving a kid to college thant he space in her MV.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Pammy on 13th January 2008
  • Pammy,

    Fortunately, she's planning on going to VCU right here in town (Richmond), so moving stuff won't be that much of a problem. Tho I do remember back in the "old days" when I went to Va Tech that my parents moved me with the old station wagon LOL. To tell you the truth, I'm just waiting to get her into the dorm so I can actually clean out the biohazard room she lives in. <VBG>



    You touched on teaching kids self-worth and confidence and I fully agree. I cannot believe the number of parents (most of them younger than me, but with kids the same age) who have NEVER allowed their kids to go to camp of been away from the kids for periods of time. There have been some articles recently in the papers and magazines about "helicopter parents" and I simply shake my head in amazement at the numbers of parents who do this. I even discussed it with my own daughter and she told me that she'd be absolutely mortified if I EVER did it to her. Yes, I speak with her teachers and try to keep up with what's going on at school, BUT I don't cross the line in doing her work or getting into it with teachers over her grades. The articles have even told of parents who went WITH the kids to interviews and sat in on them. I couldn't believe the stupidity of these people. And the sad thing is....most of these parents who do this are the same ones who look down on ME cause I work or because I take time away from my child for myself. IOW, they have NO LIFE for themselves but their kids. I swear... I simply want to smack'em when I hear them talking about how they're going to be devestated with "Johnnie/Suisie" moves away to college or to work. No wonder some of these kids don't know what to do with themselves....they've NEVER been taught self reliance.



    Ok,.....off my soap box.



    This thread is entitled "Are you a bad mom because..."



    Am I a bad mom because I insist on some private time for myself in order that I don't lose my identiy and/or sanity? NO. I earned it. (I'm also in menopause here, ladies, so my family has been learning NOT to mess with me on this.)



    Am I a bad mom because I insist that my child learn to do her own laundry (as early as 3rd grade) and learn to cook her own meal if she doesn't like what I'm cooking? NO. (I absolutely REFUSE to cater to pickiness. "Eat what I fix or starve or fix it yourself" is my motto. I fix one meal...not 2 or 3 or 4 simply because somebody snarls their nose up at my dinner.



    Am I a bad mom because I check up on her schoolwork BUT I won't get involved if she doesn't turn in work and then gets a bad grade? No....it's called learning RESPONSIBILITY for your actions. (oh, and btw....my mom taught high school for 43 years, so I have NO patience for parents who try to con a teacher into changing a grade tho the child didn't bother to do the work).



    Am I a bad mom because I refuse to accept medocity or that "everybody else is doing it" attitude from my daughter? Nope...it's called responsibility. Get over it and move on. This world doesn't owe you a thing. You owe it!



    <VBG>



    Bad mom? Ok, then...I guess I am and I'm proud of it. <VBG>
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by JKLD on 13th January 2008
  • Hello, to all! I am new here, too and just have to add my 2 cents....I have spent the last 18 years being a mom, being a wife, being an ex-wife, a working mom, and everything else that goes along with that. Life is stressful enough without having to be labeled by other people who can afford nannies, have a partner who is actually helpful, and don't have to work just to keep food on the table. Who are they to judge? As far as I am concerned, most days I know that I am a good mom, and given that I still have a 2 and a 3 year old in the house I prove that to myself everyday. I figure that if they are still breathing....then i must be doing something right...

    Don't stress on other people's ideas of what makes you a good mom...rely on your own and know that you are the best mom that you were trained to be. That's all that any of us can do.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Charlie Wolfe on 20th February 2008
  • i think i finally found the group that knows what i;m going through.

    i think i am still at the beginning of the trail... maybe your wisdom will help me wise up. married 7 yrs. got 2 kids - 4 and 1 yr old. really really trying to juggle it all with work, the house, dog, kids, shopping, activities, hubby, parents... and i just don't feel like i have a handle on things.



    i feel like i am alone most of the time. that i don't do it well enough. that i should be doing more. and in truth - i'm already wasted. gone. tired. i've given up.



    although this is the life i chose for myself. it's not going the way i planned. stop the bus please.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by mikiweiser on 2nd April 2008

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