Group Discussions

How does working affect your marriage?

  • A new member, Amber, posted this as part of another discussion, and I thought I'd ask it again here so people could weigh in more easily...

    If you have to work, what kind of effect has that had on your relationship/marriage?

    In my case, I've always worked, so it was part of the equation from the very beginning (and, we've always had kids, as my husband was married before). Some times, though, the fact that we both bring work home with us means that even though we're in the same space at the same time, we're not really spending time together... we need to find a way to deal with that and still meet our deadlines and work-related commitments...
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Lylah M. Alphonse on 13th February 2008
  • i am also a bit of a work-a-holic but hubby isnt so much... but does love his web surfing time! if we arent careful all of our 'alone time' turns into sitting next to one another on the couch on our laptops with the TV on. hardly quality time! so we try to make an effort to spend actual fun time together and interact.

    that said - we both enjoy work and find it fulfilling and i think if one of us DIDNT work we would have a rockier marriage...
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Kate on 13th February 2008
  • From my understanding-everyone works...even if it isn't paid work.

    That being said-me working outside the home was never a negotiable, so I am not even sure how to answer that question....but I am very interested to see other people's answers...
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Uhura on 13th February 2008
  • I learned on my maternity leave that it is absolutely critical for me to work. So, my working improves our marriage. We are in the same line of work, and so we discuss interesting and perplexing parts of it. We give each other advice ... and I sometimes tell him that he's wrong. (ha ha)

    When I was on maternity leave, I definitely felt like the inferior half. My husband would come home and fuss about the incompleteness of the house cleaning, dinner, etc. I was also internally a bit frustrated because instead of being stimulated by academic discussions, I was dealing with a (very) fussy newborn and reflex whipping out the breast.

    Don't get me wrong: motherhood is definitely important work, and I DID feel a sense of accomplishment when we'd have successful visits to the Pediatrician ("baby doing well," "wow ... high octane breast milk,";) but it's not like having professional accomplishment FOR ME. I've learned that I need both, and my marriage is better this way. (So, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I am working AND still breastfeeding/pumping at the six month mark) I don't know if this even makes sense. ha ha ...
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by KC on 13th February 2008
  • I work at home and find that it is definitely something I need to do. Like KC, I just don´t get the feeling of accomplishment from feeding two little kids and changing diapers. I love my kids to bits, but need to feel useful in other areas, too.

    As for our marriage, my husband and I could really stand to spend more time together, but it´s tough. He is a musician, so he is gone most days from 2 or 3 pm until 3-6 am. Which means he sleeps in the morning and is only around us for a few hours. During that time, the kids are up and he looks after them so I can actually get some writing done. As a result, we very rarely just hang out together. The other night, we borrowed his dad´s motorcycle and went to town, leaving my sister-in-law to babysit . . . it was GREAT! We just had burgers and came home again, but still. Not having to open ketchup packets for my ketchup fiend toddler and find ways to distract the baby from his fixation on the fries . . . it was heaven. We definitely need to make it happen more often.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Genesis on 14th February 2008
  • Ok, maybe it's me, but I'm going to ask this question in return and I don't mean to offend anyone, but.............why should it even matter to begin with?

    Would this question EVEN be asked of your SO/husband? No.

    Then why is it even being asked of us as women.

    To even ask it implies that it's wrong or unequal. And I don't know about anybody else, but I was under the impression that we left the dark ages a LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG TIME ago.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by JKLD on 21st February 2008
  • i want to approach this from a different angle

    i want to work - for the pleasure of work and the challenge and all

    i work for the salary for the money it brings in

    with all the other responsibilities - work is actually a negative in my life, because of work everything else i have on my shoulders is a burden

    and regarding hubby - i make the larger salary - for him the idea of me not working is not an option - he likes the money i bring in (he works too A LOT - i just happen to be evaluated better in this country - israel - he has a higher education, a more challenging position - but the pay sucks)... so i can't not work

    and work is what keeps us apart too

    wish i could make a fortune and work differently
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by mikiweiser on 2nd April 2008
  • JDaffron, I think this question is for both sides of the equation, not just women. And it also brings up a very interesting discussion - one for us to have together as well as one for us to have with ourselves. When Lylah posted this, I gave it a lot of thought (then forgot about it until it showed up again this morning!). And I discussed it with my husband by asking it of him.

    The question is 'if you HAVE to work' for which we can presume that means outside of taking care of your family and those realated obligations. I don't HAVE to, I NEED to, for my sanity and to maintain the work relationships I've cultivated. That still doesn't change the premise of the question since my outside work effects our family.

    'What kind of effect has that had on your relationship/marriage?' It completely depends on the amount of work I have and how much time we get to spend together. Sometimes stolen phone calls in the day are worse than waiting to see each other late in the evening because one of us might be rushed or read the other wrong. It's another factor in our lives that shifts everyday. When we go long periods of time without dedicated time together (almost always because of work) then we both feel the negative effects.

    And in those times when our work and home life cross over, which happens several times a week, we have to work hard to separate them.

    If one of us didn't work would it be any different?
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mandy Nelson - Dandysound on 2nd April 2008
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by kukugirl on 30th January 2012

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