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Why do I resent my kids so much? Huh...loaded question--I know, but my twins are 4 years old now, and everyone told me how bad 3 would be. Truth is, every age so far has really been more challenging than enjoyable. While many things are easier and-yes, more joyful at this age with them--I still find that I feel like my worst 'self' when in the midst of the nitty gritty parenting--especially during times of discipline. Help--advice, mottos, calming techniques--all ideas welcome--PLEASE.”

Asked by Meredith on 18th March 2012 | 6 replies

6 replies so far...

Our kids are the ultimate test aren't they???!!! I love mine more than I ever knew I was capable of loving, but not a day goes by when I'm not ready to pull my hair out. I try to remember that they are little people with distinct personalities and just like me, don't like to be told what to do :) that doesn't change me telling them what to do, of course, but it helps put things in perspective. My oldest one is 10, as he was growing up I think I struggled with being the 'adult' as strange as it sounds. I had less tolerance for his tantrums and was looking back, less patient with him as he went through the many phases of being a toddler... Preschooler... Little boy... And now preteen. But I think I changed with each of my kids. I realized that they often can't help themselves and have this belief in place that the security that surrounds them is their outlet to explore and push boundaries as they please. Because they feel they have a indefinite right over their caregivers and their needs are top priority. It's the belief of the innocent child that life is all about them :-)

Your children push their limits with you because they feel safe knowing that Mommy loves them no matter what. You are perfect in their eyes. Do you remember growing up and ever thinking your mother was anything but beautiful? Your children look at you and see the most beautiful person in the world. No one can hug them like you. No one can yell at them like you ;)

Flag as inappropriate Posted by NJMom on 8th March 2013
Valerie--I like your belief that we are matched with our children, and that we should embrace the opportunities to learn as much from them as they do from us. I remember thinking during my pregnancy that I wanted to be the parent that recognized my children as people, not 'kids.' I wanted to be ever understanding and respectful of them--stubborn, strong-willed, quiet, shy--no matter their personalities. I often have to take a step back and realize, I'm not really 'always' able to do anything. Your post really was very helpful, and I appreciate your encouraging words. Thank you Valerie!

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Meredith on 18th May 2012
PS Never feel that you are not a good enough parent for your children, regardless of whatever mistakes you may make. You will never be a perfect parent, but you are the parent they need and that is why YOU were specially chosen for the job!

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Valerie on 15th May 2012
I can also relate to the challenges of parenting a strong-willed child. Mine happens to be on the Autism Spectrum (though very high-functioning) so I end up feeling really super guilty when I lose my patience (which is just about every day) because it isn't always her fault. One thing that helps me through it is that I truly believe we are "matched up" with our children for a reason and have as much to learn from them as they do from us. Regardless of what you believe, you do have an opportunity to learn from your relationship with your child...and the lessons are different for each of your children, just as your relationships are different with each of them. In my case, I am learning patience. I may not be a straight a student, but I've come a long way in the past 9+ years. When I view it as an opportunity to learn instead of as a trial, I find I am more relaxed and able to be the loving mom she deserves.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Valerie on 15th May 2012
Thank you for your candid and thoughtful response ne. I really do appreciate it, and more than anything, I think I was just starting to feel that isolated "I'm not good enough for my children" feeling. Really helps me to hear honest confessions from other mothers that feel similar to me at times. My husband is a huge help and sympathizes/empathizes during times that I struggle--I think it's a matter of just wearing too thin some days, expecting too much (from everyone), and then folding when I feel so disappointed and depleted that I just can't try anymore. I would say my week is 85% good, 7% great, then 5%tepid, and 3% unbearable. My post above was definitely in the 'unbearable' stage. Thank you thank you thank you for estranging your judgement of me and my emotional post, and for, again, sharing your similar challenges. Would you mind telling me the name of the better (of all of them) book that you read. Did it really help?? Have a lovely night.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Meredith on 17th April 2012
I understand where you are coming from. I have had times with my older child that I just felt like the worst parent ever. She is a very strong willed child and demands alot of attention. She is such a bright wonderful child, but also can be draining and challenges me alot. I also find that when I am worn out from work I tend to do worse as far as patience and keeping perspective with my kids. My younger child is so much easier and is really such a joy to parent. I truly love both children, but I understand where you are coming from as far as the "challenge" of being a parent. No real advice per se, but I have read some books on strong willed children that have been encouraging and helpful. I have also tried to stop taking all of my kid's behavior so personally and really try to just lay out consequenses for poor behavior and then follow through. That is easier said than done, but I am trying to take my emotional response out of the equation.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by ne on 25th March 2012