Member Questions

My huband is very involved. We are more like "partners" than traditional "husband" and "wife". We don't look at tasks as gender-based. Of course, I did have to do the breastfeeding, but he was right in there with diapers. He doesn't "help" around the house, he just does stuff. Our situation is a little different, in that we live in Turkey and he is Turkish. Most Turkish men do not lift a finger in the home-- they will even tell their wives to go get them a glass of water. When I met my husband he was thirty and had pretty much given up on finding a women who would not serve him. "I do not want to be dependent," he said. He especially likes to serve guests when they come to tea. I think he likes to shock them. I have no idea what it would be like if we moved to the States and didn't have someone in to clean twice a week (she also irons). That would be the real test. In his own culture he is incomprehensibly liberated. We make all decisions together. Except for decorating. He is an architect and I love his work, so I let him buy the furniture and choose wall color. I buy most of his clothes, however, because I am out and about with our daughter and we like to buy him stuff. We make the big financial decisions together, but I am in charge of the daily stuff involving our daughter and our horse. He knows nothing about nail polish, hair, or horses. But he is supportive. We are fortunate to be on the same wavelength. I would not live on the other side of the earth for less.

My husband is getting there (I wrote about it on my blog -- see "Divide and Conquer" posting). He's willing to divide up the work and take on alot more than he used to. My frustration is that he will only take on what he's "assigned." That puts me squarely in charge of everything, and casts him as my "helper." I do wish he was a bit more proactive.

Well, they're actually HIS kids, so the answer to that one is "very involved." :-) (My kid has his own apartment now, so he doesn't need too much from us.) Housework is divided but not specifically assigned, mostly. Key decisions are discussed, but if they concern the kids it's up to the biological parent (the other can consult, though).

My gosh, I read this over and we sound so -- functional! But it's a second marriage for us both, and maybe we learned from the first one.